The Day I Circumcised A Duck

[tripperfunster]

Yes. Yes I did.

A couple of days ago, hubby brought in a duck who had a big clump of poop stuck(frozen) to his butt. So we set him up in a cage, with a big dish of water to swim in and waited for it to melt off. Which it did. Except there was still a little somethin' somethin' hanging down. I gave it another day or two, but nope, not poop. I took a closer look, and yeah ... it was his little wang.

Most birds don't have a dick, they just rub their cloaca against the one of the female sex and through MAGIC, babies happen. But I guess that waterfowl have more challenges what with BEING IN THE WATER, so god gave them willies. <--- pure science!!!

Anyhoo, I googled PROLAPSED DUCK WANG, and lo and behold, there were tons of articles about it. It would seem to be a somewhat common problem, and the instructions were to CUT OFF THE DRIED END OF THE DUCK-DICK, then slather it with polysporin, then SHOVE IT BACK IN THE HOLE.

This is my life.

Hubby was kind enough to hold the duck while I performed the ... surgery, but he refused to look. :D

I used nail clippers for the Bris (nice sharp ones) and it came off just fine. No blood. (as the internet promised.) Shoving his wang back in his cloaca was ... disturbing, although the duck didn't seem to mind at all. He actually slipped me a piece of paper with his number on it!

There could be heard, at some point, someone screaming :"OMG I'M FINGERING A DUCK!!"

Duck seems to be just fine now.
I cannot wash my hands enough.

Comments

[jejo763]

Oh god! I wouldn't have had the stomach to do what you just described doing. In fact, I was reading this post between my fingers, cringing every so often. I am one of those people who, when they go fishing, force the others to take the fish off the hook, because I won't touch that fish. No, you can't make me!

"OMG I'M FINGERING A DUCK!!"

LOL!!! :D

[veridari.livejournal.com]

Eventually, there will be list of "100 Reasons I'm Glad I know Tripperfunster" and I swear to god we're close to 80 at least by now.

Reading that was a great way to start my day. *g*

[theficklepickle.livejournal.com]

You know how I know for certain this is true? Because nobody (in their right mind or out of it) would be capable of making it up, that's how!

Go you!

[chocolate-frapp.livejournal.com]

so he's a Jewish duck? maybe he's Ortho-dux!

[accioslash.livejournal.com]

I have printed this out to send along with my holiday cards. I want all my family and friends (possibly as many as 2 if I count Al's friends who speak to me) to know this is the kind of people I know from the internet. They will swoon with envy.

[foxestacado.livejournal.com]

Oh my god.

No words.

Things you have to do by yourself. I would have just dropped the duck off at a vet and pick him up later.

[oliversnape.livejournal.com]

I am laughing so hard right now. And cringing a little, because ow. :p

[sumsumlovesyou.livejournal.com]

Ômg. I laughed so hard over your account of the events that transpired. I read it to my husband. He didn't laugh but gave me a really odd look.

I cannot believe this is a THING. A thing that people actually have to do and that occurs regularly in nature. So weird. Well, nature is weird.

Use Lava soap. That'll strip that duck hole feeling right off your hands.

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

I got nothing other than I adore you like burning <333

[sra-danvers.livejournal.com]

"OMG I'M FINGERING A DUCK!!"

The life of a slasher XD OMG What an experience!!!

[bugeyedmonster.livejournal.com]

I should go ask a cousin of my dad's if she has any wild animal care stories. She's a sheepherder. I know she's good at performing emergency animal care, enough so that she can get them to the vet without their injury getting worse. I bet she's got some cool stories.

[bugeyedmonster.livejournal.com]

PS, maybe you should look at it from the duck's POV. What has he told other ducks about his experience of being fingered by a human, or does he just live in shame and hasn't talked about it any other ducks.

[alisanne.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahahaha!
Yeah, I got nothing. Although...are there no surgical gloves in Canada, bb? I can send you some. ;)

[gryffindorj.livejournal.com]

hi! Hope you don't mind but torino pointed me here and I HAD to comment.

I am cringing and dying laughing at the same time. My husband's best friend has a masters in ornithology and I'm going to ask him if he's ever fingered a bird. I bet he hasn't and what you did was certainly special ;)

He actually slipped me a piece of paper with his number on it!
ROFL!

So hilarious.

[duniazade.livejournal.com]

You're a goddess!

Erm... a stock of latex gloves? I use them for stuffing poultry. :)

[libby-drew.livejournal.com]

This post WINS.

[gmonkey42.livejournal.com]

LOL and D:

[perverse-idyll.livejournal.com]

I'm torn between feeling vaguely nauseated and laughing like a hyena. Trip, you are unique, and I say that with total love and respect. I've no doubt there will be occasions throughout the coming days when the words "FINGERING A DUCK" will pop into my head and I'll feel so glad to know you. :D

[joanwilder.livejournal.com]

I've had my guffaw for the day. I can just picture it... What were you and L. thinking? There should've been video!

[torino10154]

Best post I've read...possibly ever. I'm with theficklepickle up there--you CAN'T make this shit up. ROFL

[arcanetrivia]

...



I cannot words. How do words?

(edit: sorry, that was kind of big image for a comment thread. tumblr manners, down! *slaps them*)

[schemingreader.livejournal.com]

Hhahahhahahah

I was already laughing like a hyena (who have their own problems, as you know) before I even got to the part where you called it a bris--and then the duck gave you his number!

This is only one of the many times when I have wanted to marry you. ♥ and I mean that in the most leering and insincere way imaginable. *slips you a piece of paper with my number on it.*

[arcanetrivia]

http://instantrimshot.com

[verizonhorizon.livejournal.com]

ALL THE AWARDS

YOU WIN THEM

[whatthefuckbenj.livejournal.com]

LOL XD You rock!