Advice on suicide.

[tripperfunster]

No, not on how to do it.

A friend of mine is dealing with the suicide of one of his employees. This person had worked for him for many years, manning the phones and doing much of the paperwork and stuff.

This year my friend decided to take on that job himself, thinking he could save the company some money.

And yeah, that employee, who was not hired back this year killed himself. He had always been a bit of a loner, and my friend knew that ending the job would be hard on him, but he obviously never expected this person to commit suicide. He had actually talked to him about possibly working part time, but too little, too late, I suppose.

And now, understandibly, my friend is just gutted with guilt over this.

I spoke with him about how I understand his guilt, and of course ANYONE would feel guilty in this circumstance, but that he needed to realize that the only person responsible for this suicide was the person who did it. Anyone who knows/loves/is related to/married to/works with someone who dies this way questions themselves. What could they have done differently? What if they hadn't said A or B? etc.

It's a natural response, but in the end, they cannot be responsible for someone else's life.

I'm not sure if this helped or not, and uh ... being a DUDE, it's really hard to say what's going on with him emotionally.
he DID ask me what he should tell people who ask about what happened, and I told him that all he needs to say is that X took his own life.

Any advice from people with more experience? Obviously, it's a horrible thing, no matter how you slice it, but is there any way to ease the guilt that my friend is feeling?

Thanks in advance.

Comments

[schemingreader.livejournal.com]

Suicide counseling places like Samaritans sometimes have support groups for suicide survivors. It probably wouldn't hurt to set up like two or three meetings with a therapist or counselor, also.

I'm so sorry for your friend. I'm so sorry for the guy who died, too--he must have been very lonely and ill. It's good that your friend provided him with support without realizing how important it was. It shows that he's a good person.

[akatnamedeaster.livejournal.com]

This is pretty much it:

It's a natural response, but in the end, they cannot be responsible for someone else's life.

A friend committed suicide last year and as much as all of us who knew her questioned why she did it, in the end it comes down to what you posted above.

t's also wrong to think that one particular thing is what caused it. Without a doubt there are always more going on with the person who kills themselves and more often than not they don't let anyone know they're having those thoughts. There really was no one thing your friend could have done to change what happened.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

I agree! It might have stopped him for a month or year or whatever, but yeah.

No job is worth your life, although i think this job was his only social outlet. Although THAT isn't my friend's fault or responsibilty either.

I suppose he'll just have to process the guilt he's feeling, and accept that yeah, he might have done things differently had he known, but as you said, it quite possibly wouldn't have changed anything.

[sara-wolf.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid I don't have any real advice, but I am so sorry for your friend.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Did you miss the part about DUDE? :D

I highly doubt that he would consider therapy or a support group, although I'll mention it. Gently. ;)

My friend IS a good guy deep down. (he's a bit of a dawg with the ladies ...) I think this has shaken him more than he'd ever have guessed it could.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I never realized how much harder it is to give advice/comfort to a man. (at least, a man I'm not married to!)

I'm actually impressed that he's asked me for advice. Just two days ago he told me he avoids talking about it to anyone.

[tipitiwitchet.livejournal.com]

My mother committed suicide. It takes time to get perspective. I know that's not much help, but things will get clearer as time passes.

My condolences for your friend.

[forest-rose.livejournal.com]

Gaah, stupid LJ ate my long comment! I talked to my fiancé about this - he's a psychiatrist, so has experience of this horrible sort of situation - and he said it's important to remember that people make their own choices, and we can't ultimately change what they decide to do. There are (almost) always lots and lots of factors leading to a suicide, not just the one thing that an individual person feels guilty about. A good analogy is a game of Jenga - each individual block you pull out is like a factor that leads to a suicide, and the one that you pull out last isn't any more significant in itself than all the others.

Feel free to email me and A if you (or your friend) want to talk more about this. I worked on a suicide crisis line for 2 years, and now see lots of suicide survivors in A&E, so we both have some insight into this. xx

[droxy.livejournal.com]

Hugs. Just be there for him. Be proactive and call.

[theficklepickle.livejournal.com]

Not a lot I can add to what others have said, except that someone at BH's work committed suicide a few years ago ... literally at work; he threw himself off the roof in the middle of the day. People who do this are usually only thinking of themselves - by which I'm not saying that they're being selfish, just overwhelmed by their own pain - and not considering the effect it can have on those around them. I suspect we all go down the 'I could have been more supportive' route, and maybe we could, but importantly that doesn't mean that we could ever have been supportive enough to prevent it happening. FWIW I think your advice to your friend was 100% right and so was coming here to talk about it; if you support him and we all support you (in our own way), then maybe he can gradually work through the aftermath and eventually emerge stronger. He's made a good first step, I feel, in asking for your opinion.

[Edited for typo.]

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

Everything you've said is simple truth. I might tell him that for anyone who asks what happened, it might be a) too much of a burden for your friend and b) unnecessary reveal of personal detail to say that "X took his own life." It might be simpler just to say, "He's gone and it's very hard on everyone who cared about him." But I don't know that there's any one thing one can say. Sigh.

[sra-danvers.livejournal.com]

OMG Such a hard experience.
But really, no one suicides ONLY for one bad step at life, being work, or love or death. I'm sure there was more problems and symptons below...

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thank you. My gosh, I can't even imagine how that would have been for you. I'm so sorry.

I think 'time' is about all that will work for him, but it's hard to watch somone that you know and like suffer and not be able to do anything about it.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much!

Everyone has pretty much given me the same advice that I'd given him, so ... that's good? I was kind of hoping for some miracle thing, but of course, that just doesn't exist.

I do like the jenga analogy, because it really does seem like my friend pulled out that last block.

Thank you for the offer. I highly doubt he'd talk to someone he didn't know. I think he talks to me partly because we've known each other for a long time, but also that I call him out on his bullshit quite a bit, and he respects that. ;)

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Yes. We've been texting, which I think is 'safer' and less 'feely' than actually speaking. ;)

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thanks hon. I'm very glad that my advice to him seems to be what others (with more experience) would have said.

I love my flist! And while I certainly don't wish this type of experience on anyone, it's helpful to to be able to talk to people who have.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I guess a simple "He passed away" might suffice, depending on who's asking. I assume it's many of his customers.

Thanks.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thank you dear!

I agree, there are usually may factors happening.

[chocolate-frapp.livejournal.com]

i wish there were some advice i could offer for your friend and myself. A very good friend of mine committed suicide about a year ago and I miss him every day. I hadn't even known he was depressed.

[mab.livejournal.com]

so very sad. :(

I lost a husband to suicide and have personal experience with survivor's guilt. Ultimately though, you hit the nail on the head. It's nobody's fault. Suicide is hard and it's easy with any untimely death to seek a reason to blame it on, to try to make sense out of something outside our control.

Having somebody available to talk to about his feelings is the best thing for your friend right now. He needs to process it, and get it out so it doesn't eat him up inside. People who commit suicide seldom do it based on a single experience, most likely he had a slew of other stuff going on that your friend can in no way be responsible for. He didn't do it, he's not at fault.

*hugs and support*

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. I've been lucky to not have been personally touched by suicide, but I see the damage it does on people all the time.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Oh my, that must have been so difficult for you. I'm so sorry to hear that.

My brother suffers from Bi-polar disorder and has tried to kill himself a few times, but never with any success. (thank god).

Oddly enough, it just makes me want to punch him. ;) I know that people who want to end their lives are in a terrible place and don't know how to get out of it, but it just cuts a path of pain and sorrow on the people left behind, and it makes me angry.

Thanks for the advice. I will keep reminding my friend that I have an open ear for him.