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In Transition
Sep. 24th, 2015 10:25 pmMy brother came out recently as transgendered, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
Of course, I support him(now her) and for the most part respect her decision to do this, I just can't help feeling that it's just not right.
And I don't mean that being transgendered isn't right, just that MY brother being transgendered isn't right. (and looking backwards, I will use 'he' because he was a he back then, and going forward I will use 'she' just fyi).
While growing up, I never pegged him as trans, or gay or anything that wasn't cis hetero. He is 3.5 years older than me and while we weren't close, we certainly spent a fair amount of time together, watching tv, playing in the back yard and fighting like cats and dogs on family car trips. He was a pretty typical boy in every way. He played with army figures, made military models, was a boy scout, played with toy cars and was generally the bane of my existence as brothers can be.
He showed little to no interest in my friends or my toys or dolls. Granted, I didn't play much with dolls, but I had barbies and toy horses and other more typically 'girly' things, and I never saw him even glance their way. He was more interested in G.I. Joes and slinkys and blowing things up with fire crackers.
He loved epic fantasy war stories like Shogun and Lord of the Rings and as a teenager played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons with his friends. He watched shows like Dr. Who (the old ones) and Gunsmoke and TOS Star Trek and listened to The Who and Genesis and Pink Floyd.
When I was 14 and became obsessed with The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and my friends and I would dress up and go to the midnight showings he never wanted to join us and seemed to have no interested whatsoever in a film about a transexual transvestite from Transalvania. And although he did mostly 'man' things his whole life, it didn't seem over the top. He wasn't Gaston, decorating with antlers and bedding women to compensate for his lack of mannishness.
Even though he was older than me, he was a bit socially awkward (see Dungeons and Dragons above), and I tended to be the trendsetter when it came to dating, drinking, sex and drugs. Not that he didn't have friends, he certainly did, but he was always a bit of a loveable loser. He was the guy that would drink too much and profess his love to everyone, then maybe get angry and start a fight, and then regret it and have a good drunken cry. He was different, and a bit of a dork, but people kept him around because he was generally a good person.
He was different though. I did't realize it at the time, because my family doesn't talk about this shit, but he was bipolar. (or manic depressive, as they called it then.) He attempted suicide a few times before the age of 20. I have quite a few memories of him setting completely unrealistic goals for himself (I'm going to get all A's in school! I'm going to be the best _______ (scout/employee/son/boyfriend) ever!) And, of course, when these lofty goals could not be met, he would spiral into a depression and would berate himself for even trying in the first place.
He also makes mind bogglingly stupid decisions that clearly will NOT work out for him, but seems helpless to stop himself.
a) He has the same legal name as our father, and got a credit card (and they clearly thought he was my dad) and then used the card to take out $10K in cash advances which he wasted on drugs and god only knows what else. He eventually had to call my parents to help him out, because not only was Visa going to prosecute him for non-payment, but he also owed his drug dealer/landlord another $10K.
b)His wife left him for her ex-husband and he went and got her name tattooed on his arm. *heddesk*
c)Once, not long after he moved back home after the Visa card/drug dealer scenario, he decided he wanted to go back to school to learn a trade. (I"m not sure for what.) Anyhoo, after setting himself unrealistic goals for grades, he decided to drop out, but NOT TELL MY PARENTS. So he continued to get up every day and PRETEND to go to school. For reals. He is the person, when you're watching character in a movie make stupid bone-headed decisions, and you say "Who the fuck is that stupid?" My brother is. He really is.
Which brings me to my dilemma. I want him to be happy. I want him to NOT want to kill himself. (he has probably had 6 episodes in the past 20 years.) I WANT him to be right about this, but I just don't feel it. I worry that he's latched onto this idea because he is desperate to figure out what is wrong with him, and when/if this ISN'T what is problem is, he's going to really crash and burn, and this would be a VERY difficult thing to say "whoops, I thought I was trans, but I'm really not."
Of course, he might be totally right about this. He says that he's felt this way for a very long time. I WANT it to be right for him, but I'm also terrified that the inevitable rejection and persecution that he's going to receive as a person who will probably never 'pass' for a woman will kill him. Literally. For someone who is so psychologically fragile, this seems like a sure-fire way to get hurt.
I just wish it rang more true for me. I mean, clearly, it doesn't really matter if I'm right or wrong, it only matters that ze is.
I'll keep you all updated, if you're interested.
Of course, I support him(now her) and for the most part respect her decision to do this, I just can't help feeling that it's just not right.
And I don't mean that being transgendered isn't right, just that MY brother being transgendered isn't right. (and looking backwards, I will use 'he' because he was a he back then, and going forward I will use 'she' just fyi).
While growing up, I never pegged him as trans, or gay or anything that wasn't cis hetero. He is 3.5 years older than me and while we weren't close, we certainly spent a fair amount of time together, watching tv, playing in the back yard and fighting like cats and dogs on family car trips. He was a pretty typical boy in every way. He played with army figures, made military models, was a boy scout, played with toy cars and was generally the bane of my existence as brothers can be.
He showed little to no interest in my friends or my toys or dolls. Granted, I didn't play much with dolls, but I had barbies and toy horses and other more typically 'girly' things, and I never saw him even glance their way. He was more interested in G.I. Joes and slinkys and blowing things up with fire crackers.
He loved epic fantasy war stories like Shogun and Lord of the Rings and as a teenager played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons with his friends. He watched shows like Dr. Who (the old ones) and Gunsmoke and TOS Star Trek and listened to The Who and Genesis and Pink Floyd.
When I was 14 and became obsessed with The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and my friends and I would dress up and go to the midnight showings he never wanted to join us and seemed to have no interested whatsoever in a film about a transexual transvestite from Transalvania. And although he did mostly 'man' things his whole life, it didn't seem over the top. He wasn't Gaston, decorating with antlers and bedding women to compensate for his lack of mannishness.
Even though he was older than me, he was a bit socially awkward (see Dungeons and Dragons above), and I tended to be the trendsetter when it came to dating, drinking, sex and drugs. Not that he didn't have friends, he certainly did, but he was always a bit of a loveable loser. He was the guy that would drink too much and profess his love to everyone, then maybe get angry and start a fight, and then regret it and have a good drunken cry. He was different, and a bit of a dork, but people kept him around because he was generally a good person.
He was different though. I did't realize it at the time, because my family doesn't talk about this shit, but he was bipolar. (or manic depressive, as they called it then.) He attempted suicide a few times before the age of 20. I have quite a few memories of him setting completely unrealistic goals for himself (I'm going to get all A's in school! I'm going to be the best _______ (scout/employee/son/boyfriend) ever!) And, of course, when these lofty goals could not be met, he would spiral into a depression and would berate himself for even trying in the first place.
He also makes mind bogglingly stupid decisions that clearly will NOT work out for him, but seems helpless to stop himself.
a) He has the same legal name as our father, and got a credit card (and they clearly thought he was my dad) and then used the card to take out $10K in cash advances which he wasted on drugs and god only knows what else. He eventually had to call my parents to help him out, because not only was Visa going to prosecute him for non-payment, but he also owed his drug dealer/landlord another $10K.
b)His wife left him for her ex-husband and he went and got her name tattooed on his arm. *heddesk*
c)Once, not long after he moved back home after the Visa card/drug dealer scenario, he decided he wanted to go back to school to learn a trade. (I"m not sure for what.) Anyhoo, after setting himself unrealistic goals for grades, he decided to drop out, but NOT TELL MY PARENTS. So he continued to get up every day and PRETEND to go to school. For reals. He is the person, when you're watching character in a movie make stupid bone-headed decisions, and you say "Who the fuck is that stupid?" My brother is. He really is.
Which brings me to my dilemma. I want him to be happy. I want him to NOT want to kill himself. (he has probably had 6 episodes in the past 20 years.) I WANT him to be right about this, but I just don't feel it. I worry that he's latched onto this idea because he is desperate to figure out what is wrong with him, and when/if this ISN'T what is problem is, he's going to really crash and burn, and this would be a VERY difficult thing to say "whoops, I thought I was trans, but I'm really not."
Of course, he might be totally right about this. He says that he's felt this way for a very long time. I WANT it to be right for him, but I'm also terrified that the inevitable rejection and persecution that he's going to receive as a person who will probably never 'pass' for a woman will kill him. Literally. For someone who is so psychologically fragile, this seems like a sure-fire way to get hurt.
I just wish it rang more true for me. I mean, clearly, it doesn't really matter if I'm right or wrong, it only matters that ze is.
I'll keep you all updated, if you're interested.
