In Transition

[tripperfunster]

My brother came out recently as transgendered, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
Of course, I support him(now her) and for the most part respect her decision to do this, I just can't help feeling that it's just not right.

And I don't mean that being transgendered isn't right, just that MY brother being transgendered isn't right. (and looking backwards, I will use 'he' because he was a he back then, and going forward I will use 'she' just fyi).

While growing up, I never pegged him as trans, or gay or anything that wasn't cis hetero. He is 3.5 years older than me and while we weren't close, we certainly spent a fair amount of time together, watching tv, playing in the back yard and fighting like cats and dogs on family car trips. He was a pretty typical boy in every way. He played with army figures, made military models, was a boy scout, played with toy cars and was generally the bane of my existence as brothers can be.

He showed little to no interest in my friends or my toys or dolls. Granted, I didn't play much with dolls, but I had barbies and toy horses and other more typically 'girly' things, and I never saw him even glance their way. He was more interested in G.I. Joes and slinkys and blowing things up with fire crackers.

He loved epic fantasy war stories like Shogun and Lord of the Rings and as a teenager played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons with his friends. He watched shows like Dr. Who (the old ones) and Gunsmoke and TOS Star Trek and listened to The Who and Genesis and Pink Floyd.

When I was 14 and became obsessed with The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and my friends and I would dress up and go to the midnight showings he never wanted to join us and seemed to have no interested whatsoever in a film about a transexual transvestite from Transalvania. And although he did mostly 'man' things his whole life, it didn't seem over the top. He wasn't Gaston, decorating with antlers and bedding women to compensate for his lack of mannishness.

Even though he was older than me, he was a bit socially awkward (see Dungeons and Dragons above), and I tended to be the trendsetter when it came to dating, drinking, sex and drugs. Not that he didn't have friends, he certainly did, but he was always a bit of a loveable loser. He was the guy that would drink too much and profess his love to everyone, then maybe get angry and start a fight, and then regret it and have a good drunken cry. He was different, and a bit of a dork, but people kept him around because he was generally a good person.

He was different though. I did't realize it at the time, because my family doesn't talk about this shit, but he was bipolar. (or manic depressive, as they called it then.) He attempted suicide a few times before the age of 20. I have quite a few memories of him setting completely unrealistic goals for himself (I'm going to get all A's in school! I'm going to be the best _______ (scout/employee/son/boyfriend) ever!) And, of course, when these lofty goals could not be met, he would spiral into a depression and would berate himself for even trying in the first place.

He also makes mind bogglingly stupid decisions that clearly will NOT work out for him, but seems helpless to stop himself.

a) He has the same legal name as our father, and got a credit card (and they clearly thought he was my dad) and then used the card to take out $10K in cash advances which he wasted on drugs and god only knows what else. He eventually had to call my parents to help him out, because not only was Visa going to prosecute him for non-payment, but he also owed his drug dealer/landlord another $10K.

b)His wife left him for her ex-husband and he went and got her name tattooed on his arm. *heddesk*

c)Once, not long after he moved back home after the Visa card/drug dealer scenario, he decided he wanted to go back to school to learn a trade. (I"m not sure for what.) Anyhoo, after setting himself unrealistic goals for grades, he decided to drop out, but NOT TELL MY PARENTS. So he continued to get up every day and PRETEND to go to school. For reals. He is the person, when you're watching character in a movie make stupid bone-headed decisions, and you say "Who the fuck is that stupid?" My brother is. He really is.

Which brings me to my dilemma. I want him to be happy. I want him to NOT want to kill himself. (he has probably had 6 episodes in the past 20 years.) I WANT him to be right about this, but I just don't feel it. I worry that he's latched onto this idea because he is desperate to figure out what is wrong with him, and when/if this ISN'T what is problem is, he's going to really crash and burn, and this would be a VERY difficult thing to say "whoops, I thought I was trans, but I'm really not."

Of course, he might be totally right about this. He says that he's felt this way for a very long time. I WANT it to be right for him, but I'm also terrified that the inevitable rejection and persecution that he's going to receive as a person who will probably never 'pass' for a woman will kill him. Literally. For someone who is so psychologically fragile, this seems like a sure-fire way to get hurt.

I just wish it rang more true for me. I mean, clearly, it doesn't really matter if I'm right or wrong, it only matters that ze is.

I'll keep you all updated, if you're interested.

Comments

[lilyeyes.livejournal.com]

Sending you {hugs} and hope brother figures out what is right for him (I have 4 of them, I know brothers) - and you - to be happy!

♥ hang in there!

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Four brothers! Oh god no thanks! :D
Thanks dear! <3

[pern-dragon.livejournal.com]

Transition is not only complex and difficult for the person who is changing away from the gender they were assigned at birth, it is complex and difficult for the families who are also in transition. I regularly co-facilitate a group for trans and gender non-conforming young persons and a group for the parents/family/friends of those persons. If you ever want to ask questions or vent or anything, this is a speciaty I plan to focus on in my practice, so feel free to email me. *hugs*

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much! I appreciate the offer and may take you up on it. Oddly enough, my family seems to turn to ME as the resident expert on anything GLBTAetc. Perhaps from my previous and copious Rocky Horror experience? ;)

I suppose that I"m the youngest, hence the hippest person in my family. (which isn't saying much)

Can I just email you through LJ?

[pern-dragon.livejournal.com]

Sure, or at pern_dragon at yahoo dot com. :)

[ragdoll.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* I can't offer up any useful advice,especially not knowing your brother at all, but I'm here to listen. I have an acquaintance who is transitioning too, and knowing how messed up this guy (now girl) is, I have to wonder too for similar reasons. But all any if us can do is be supportive and hope for the best.

My 19 year-old goddaughter came out as genderfluid last week, and that wasn't a surprise at all. I'm proud of her.(I've been told it's ok to still use female pronouns currently.)

I hope it all works out ok for you and your sib.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's a bit of a chicken/egg thing, I think. Trans people tend to have a shit-ton of mental issues, but is it because they're trans? Or are they trans because of their problems? Or they're just linked but not causal?

[ragdoll.livejournal.com]

A lot of what luvscharlie said. Your sib obviously isn't very stable, so I hope the therapy Ze gets is positive and helpful. I do hope it's not just another mad stab at trying to fix stuff that will wind up being another great disappointment/failure, because that's not what Ze needs. Just try to be as supportive as you can, and let Ze do what Ze needs to for themself (I hope that's the right pronoun -- I don't want to be disrespectful)

Family drama is always the worst. Obviously you know I'm going through my own (but differently) so I feel for ya. ♥

[dickgloucester.livejournal.com]

Doesn't someone who wants to transition have to go through scads of in-depth counselling beforehand?

And *hugs* to you - I feel your concern coming through this post. You're a kind person.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

I think, before you could get any sort of reassignment surgery, you would need lots of therapy, but to live as transgendered requires nothing except a shopping trip. ;)

[sra-danvers.livejournal.com]

Wow, terrible situation. I've deal with mental disorders in my family, and now with my closer family, in other way. But I understand about "bad decisions" that later all the family pay. It's a difficult situation, especially when there is auto destructing manners. I can only wish you my thoughts, I hope he's right, for once, or she changes again without much high personal cost...

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear. I know I cannot control what he/she does, I just have to be there for support.

[akatnamedeaster.livejournal.com]

That's a tough one because, sure, you want to be supportive but if someone has a history of making impulsive (and bad) decisions it's hard not to look at this like just another impulsive decision in a string of them.

I assume that he's going to get some counseling beforehand and if there are any doubts or questions they'll suss that out before moving ahead with anything. At least, I assume that's how it works.

I feel you Tripp, if I were in your shoes, I'd have the same thoughts. I just hope that your brother is thinking as clearly as he can about this and not just trying to fix something else within himself.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Ze is seeing a therapist, but it's only been a few weeks, and I'm not honestly sure if it's for being suicidal or being trans or both.

Ze is going forward as living with as a woman (or at least in transition as one) but no talk of hormones or surgery yet. I think ze's actually having quite a bit of fun right now, but I know that this manic episode won't last.

[akatnamedeaster.livejournal.com]

Oof, sorry about the pronoun misuse, takes some getting used to, and I'm not even related the person!

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Oh, no prob. it's been HE for 50 years, so my whole family is stumbling over them! Not to mention, it's kind of strange saying SHE when, she's not really a she yet? And I don't mean surgery, ze is really at the start of her transition, but wants to be called a she.

So confusing.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

That is such a hard one to call, isn't it? Especially in the light of your experiences with him to date. I would say though, I don't think the trans thing necessarily goes hand in hand with being 'girly' or feminine - after all, there are plenty of girls who weren't into barbie dolls, liked westerns and playing with toy guns and swords and who haven't felt one tiny urge to actually BE a boy (*looks at self).

I guess it's like everything else - all you can do is hope he's getting the right advice from the right people, that he listens to it and that, yes, he makes the decision that is right for him. Because this is a really tough thing to do, and support will be hard to come by.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Oh, I agree with the 'girls don't have to be girly' statement, as I was not very typical myself, but I seriously saw NO signs of him ever wanting to do ANYTHING with me.

[facecat.livejournal.com]

Wow. Poor kid. As some state before, counseling would be a good idea.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Yes, he is seeing someone, but he has SO MANY issues, that once per week is not really going to do much.

[luvscharlie.livejournal.com]

Boy, he's classic bipolar depression. From the spending sprees, to the deceit of the people closest to you, to the bailing out of things you did impulsively, the suicide attempts, to the lack of impulse control and the setting of goals you will never achieve during hypomanic periods.

Like you, I worry that this another of those unattainable things to try and fix what is broken.

I got my diagnosis in September 2014, and didn't get the right meds until March 2015. It was quite literally the worst my life ever got.

People say you're not the disease, you're a person, but honestly that's bullshit. You are the disease. It effects every single aspect of your life.

To think that he has attempted suicide that many times is terrifying, and I do have to wonder if he is setting himself up for another episode. The most terrifying part being that the more times you try, you eventually get it right.

You're a good sister. You've really thought this through and truly want the best for him. I'm just not sure he knows what that is yet.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Ze has also been diagnosed as Borderline Personality and I"m not sure if I agree with that or not. Ze was never one to stir up shit just for the sake of drama, although there was certainly no lack of drama during the ups and downs.

And ze has never really come close to actually killing herself. The attempts were generally more "I'm going to _____" (jump off building, take these pills, cut my wrists) but not a lot of actually doing any of those things. I don't think Ze was ONLY doing it for attention, or ONLY doing it to actually die, but doing it because Ze didn't know what else to do, since ze was so unhappy.

I really don't know. But I do fear that Ze will eventually ACTUALLY succeed at some point, because ze doesn't have a thick enough skin to survive the inevitable rejection and plain mean spiritedness that the human race loves to share.

I suppose that all I can do is be supportive, but I just wish it felt more like the right thing to do, and I would feel better giving that support? Not that I"m withholding it, but it kind of feels fake right now. (to me)

[chocolate-frapp.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure how they handle this sort of situation in your neck of the woods but there are a lot of trans people here in California and it's an automatic part of the process here that a trans person gets a LOT of counselling and therapy sessions with psychologists who specialize in treating people with gender identity issues, partly to make sure that's really what they want but also to make the transition as beneficial as possible.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Ze lives in London Ontario, which is somewhere between a city and a town. Ze is seeing two therapists (or one therapist and one psychologist/psychiatrist?) and is also going to a support group for GLBT peeps. There might even be a group that is just for trans people, and hopefully that will help too.

[nic]

This sounds so incredibly difficult to deal with. I don't have any advice but I'm thinking of you and your family! *hugs*

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thanks hon. I have the (pleasure?) of living pretty far away from my family, so most of my support has been in the form of endless phone calls, which are kind of exhausting, but easier than face to face.

Dealing with my brother-now-sister can be draining at the best of times, and this is no exception. And now Ze is looking for 'sisterly/womanly' advice from me, but Ze doesn't exactly have a history of LISTENING to any advice, so that can be pretty frustrating too. *sigh*

Thanks for the thoughts and kind words. <3