In Transition

[tripperfunster]

My brother came out recently as transgendered, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
Of course, I support him(now her) and for the most part respect her decision to do this, I just can't help feeling that it's just not right.

And I don't mean that being transgendered isn't right, just that MY brother being transgendered isn't right. (and looking backwards, I will use 'he' because he was a he back then, and going forward I will use 'she' just fyi).

While growing up, I never pegged him as trans, or gay or anything that wasn't cis hetero. He is 3.5 years older than me and while we weren't close, we certainly spent a fair amount of time together, watching tv, playing in the back yard and fighting like cats and dogs on family car trips. He was a pretty typical boy in every way. He played with army figures, made military models, was a boy scout, played with toy cars and was generally the bane of my existence as brothers can be.

He showed little to no interest in my friends or my toys or dolls. Granted, I didn't play much with dolls, but I had barbies and toy horses and other more typically 'girly' things, and I never saw him even glance their way. He was more interested in G.I. Joes and slinkys and blowing things up with fire crackers.

He loved epic fantasy war stories like Shogun and Lord of the Rings and as a teenager played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons with his friends. He watched shows like Dr. Who (the old ones) and Gunsmoke and TOS Star Trek and listened to The Who and Genesis and Pink Floyd.

When I was 14 and became obsessed with The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and my friends and I would dress up and go to the midnight showings he never wanted to join us and seemed to have no interested whatsoever in a film about a transexual transvestite from Transalvania. And although he did mostly 'man' things his whole life, it didn't seem over the top. He wasn't Gaston, decorating with antlers and bedding women to compensate for his lack of mannishness.

Even though he was older than me, he was a bit socially awkward (see Dungeons and Dragons above), and I tended to be the trendsetter when it came to dating, drinking, sex and drugs. Not that he didn't have friends, he certainly did, but he was always a bit of a loveable loser. He was the guy that would drink too much and profess his love to everyone, then maybe get angry and start a fight, and then regret it and have a good drunken cry. He was different, and a bit of a dork, but people kept him around because he was generally a good person.

He was different though. I did't realize it at the time, because my family doesn't talk about this shit, but he was bipolar. (or manic depressive, as they called it then.) He attempted suicide a few times before the age of 20. I have quite a few memories of him setting completely unrealistic goals for himself (I'm going to get all A's in school! I'm going to be the best _______ (scout/employee/son/boyfriend) ever!) And, of course, when these lofty goals could not be met, he would spiral into a depression and would berate himself for even trying in the first place.

He also makes mind bogglingly stupid decisions that clearly will NOT work out for him, but seems helpless to stop himself.

a) He has the same legal name as our father, and got a credit card (and they clearly thought he was my dad) and then used the card to take out $10K in cash advances which he wasted on drugs and god only knows what else. He eventually had to call my parents to help him out, because not only was Visa going to prosecute him for non-payment, but he also owed his drug dealer/landlord another $10K.

b)His wife left him for her ex-husband and he went and got her name tattooed on his arm. *heddesk*

c)Once, not long after he moved back home after the Visa card/drug dealer scenario, he decided he wanted to go back to school to learn a trade. (I"m not sure for what.) Anyhoo, after setting himself unrealistic goals for grades, he decided to drop out, but NOT TELL MY PARENTS. So he continued to get up every day and PRETEND to go to school. For reals. He is the person, when you're watching character in a movie make stupid bone-headed decisions, and you say "Who the fuck is that stupid?" My brother is. He really is.

Which brings me to my dilemma. I want him to be happy. I want him to NOT want to kill himself. (he has probably had 6 episodes in the past 20 years.) I WANT him to be right about this, but I just don't feel it. I worry that he's latched onto this idea because he is desperate to figure out what is wrong with him, and when/if this ISN'T what is problem is, he's going to really crash and burn, and this would be a VERY difficult thing to say "whoops, I thought I was trans, but I'm really not."

Of course, he might be totally right about this. He says that he's felt this way for a very long time. I WANT it to be right for him, but I'm also terrified that the inevitable rejection and persecution that he's going to receive as a person who will probably never 'pass' for a woman will kill him. Literally. For someone who is so psychologically fragile, this seems like a sure-fire way to get hurt.

I just wish it rang more true for me. I mean, clearly, it doesn't really matter if I'm right or wrong, it only matters that ze is.

I'll keep you all updated, if you're interested.

Comments

[lilyeyes.livejournal.com]

Sending you {hugs} and hope brother figures out what is right for him (I have 4 of them, I know brothers) - and you - to be happy!

♥ hang in there!

[pern-dragon.livejournal.com]

Transition is not only complex and difficult for the person who is changing away from the gender they were assigned at birth, it is complex and difficult for the families who are also in transition. I regularly co-facilitate a group for trans and gender non-conforming young persons and a group for the parents/family/friends of those persons. If you ever want to ask questions or vent or anything, this is a speciaty I plan to focus on in my practice, so feel free to email me. *hugs*

[ragdoll.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* I can't offer up any useful advice,especially not knowing your brother at all, but I'm here to listen. I have an acquaintance who is transitioning too, and knowing how messed up this guy (now girl) is, I have to wonder too for similar reasons. But all any if us can do is be supportive and hope for the best.

My 19 year-old goddaughter came out as genderfluid last week, and that wasn't a surprise at all. I'm proud of her.(I've been told it's ok to still use female pronouns currently.)

I hope it all works out ok for you and your sib.

[dickgloucester.livejournal.com]

Doesn't someone who wants to transition have to go through scads of in-depth counselling beforehand?

And *hugs* to you - I feel your concern coming through this post. You're a kind person.

[sra-danvers.livejournal.com]

Wow, terrible situation. I've deal with mental disorders in my family, and now with my closer family, in other way. But I understand about "bad decisions" that later all the family pay. It's a difficult situation, especially when there is auto destructing manners. I can only wish you my thoughts, I hope he's right, for once, or she changes again without much high personal cost...

[akatnamedeaster.livejournal.com]

That's a tough one because, sure, you want to be supportive but if someone has a history of making impulsive (and bad) decisions it's hard not to look at this like just another impulsive decision in a string of them.

I assume that he's going to get some counseling beforehand and if there are any doubts or questions they'll suss that out before moving ahead with anything. At least, I assume that's how it works.

I feel you Tripp, if I were in your shoes, I'd have the same thoughts. I just hope that your brother is thinking as clearly as he can about this and not just trying to fix something else within himself.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

That is such a hard one to call, isn't it? Especially in the light of your experiences with him to date. I would say though, I don't think the trans thing necessarily goes hand in hand with being 'girly' or feminine - after all, there are plenty of girls who weren't into barbie dolls, liked westerns and playing with toy guns and swords and who haven't felt one tiny urge to actually BE a boy (*looks at self).

I guess it's like everything else - all you can do is hope he's getting the right advice from the right people, that he listens to it and that, yes, he makes the decision that is right for him. Because this is a really tough thing to do, and support will be hard to come by.

[facecat.livejournal.com]

Wow. Poor kid. As some state before, counseling would be a good idea.

[luvscharlie.livejournal.com]

Boy, he's classic bipolar depression. From the spending sprees, to the deceit of the people closest to you, to the bailing out of things you did impulsively, the suicide attempts, to the lack of impulse control and the setting of goals you will never achieve during hypomanic periods.

Like you, I worry that this another of those unattainable things to try and fix what is broken.

I got my diagnosis in September 2014, and didn't get the right meds until March 2015. It was quite literally the worst my life ever got.

People say you're not the disease, you're a person, but honestly that's bullshit. You are the disease. It effects every single aspect of your life.

To think that he has attempted suicide that many times is terrifying, and I do have to wonder if he is setting himself up for another episode. The most terrifying part being that the more times you try, you eventually get it right.

You're a good sister. You've really thought this through and truly want the best for him. I'm just not sure he knows what that is yet.

[chocolate-frapp.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure how they handle this sort of situation in your neck of the woods but there are a lot of trans people here in California and it's an automatic part of the process here that a trans person gets a LOT of counselling and therapy sessions with psychologists who specialize in treating people with gender identity issues, partly to make sure that's really what they want but also to make the transition as beneficial as possible.

[nic]

This sounds so incredibly difficult to deal with. I don't have any advice but I'm thinking of you and your family! *hugs*