Random Post is Random
Aug. 14th, 2009 11:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tripperfunster*siiiiiiigh* Some of you may remember my post about our trip to Toronto, and the crazy that my mother bestowed upon us. http://tripperfunster.livejournal.com/135986.html#cutid1
tl;dr: The downstairs neighbour complained that we were stomping around too much, and my mom spent the rest of our visit shushing us.
suffice to say, I found this both annoying and amusing. Of course, the joke of the trip became SHHHH! THE NEIGHBOUR! If someone dropped a fork, or made a sound when they moved their chair, or god forbid farted, me and hubby and the kids would (quietly) shriek OMG! BE QUIET! THE GRUMPY TROLL DOWNSTAIRS WILL EAT US! bla bla bla. Anyhoo, my mother has a GUEST BOOK that she makes us sign every time we visit. No, I am not kidding. So, when it came time to sign it this time, I wrote something along the lines of 'The Funster family had a stompin' good time, neighbour's be damned!'. No biggie.
Well, it seems that it was.
My mom called me about a week after we'd be home and FREAKED that I wrote that in her guest book. FREAKED. How DARE I be so disrespectful! How DARE I write that in her book. I had better ADJUST MY ATTITUDE or we would not be invited to visit her in the future. and on, and on and on and on. ????????!!!!!WTF?
So, we went back and forth a few times, me letting her know, in no uncertain terms that I am a FORTY YEAR OLD WOMAN, and my attitude is just fucking fine, thank you very much, and if SHE couldn't deal with it, then yes, we certainly would NOT be visiting in the future. It went deeper than that, of course, but really, I don't think I've fought with her like that since I was a teenager.
Six weeks went by, with us not talking, and today I got a letter in the mail from her. Suffice to say that her opinion of what happened has not changed. In this SIX page letter, she accuses me of being JEALOUS of her and her husband ... ?.... she thinks that my bad attitude comes from the fact that I was adopted (at the age of ten days old) and perhaps I am pushing her away because I'm afraid that she will abandon me like my birth mother did ...HOMFGWTFBBQNAZIS!!??11 (oh man, such a non issue I won't even go there)
And what did she ever do to deserve my anger and disrespect? She feels she has always been loving and caring and generous and giving towards me and my family, and yet, she gets shot down at every turn.
I really am at a loss at what to do/say to her. I mean, she's right (not about being jealous eeew) but yeah, ON THE SURFACE she is all of the things that she says she is, but in the 'alternate reality' that THE REST OF THE WORLD LIVES IN, she is judgemental, petty, A HORRENDOUS NAG and someone who will never think me or my children will ever be good enough.
My husband def sees her for who she is, but basically says that I can be 'right' and never get along with her, or I can be 'the better person' and just deal. I mean, it really doesn't matter what i say, she will NEVER see herself as wrong. She has a masters in denial, and seriously blanks out ENTIRE YEARS OF HER LIFE if they don't conform to the reality that she choses to believe.
As for me, i am really trying to figure out WHY she bugs me so much. Because she really does. I agree that I cut her NO SLACK when we're together. And sometimes I am an incredible bitch, when I'm really not in my everyday life. But she brings out the worst in me. When i know I am going to see her, I start to hear her negative voice in my mind, her constant judging and backhanded compliments etc. By the time we are actually in the same room, I'm already angry at her, because in my mind, she's been riding my ass all week.
The funny thing is, I am normally a very happy person. I love my life, I love my husband, I love my kids, I love my house, and my pets and PORN and my internet buddies and my fandoms and my job and and and and and. Hubby says that I am like a different person when I'm around her, and then, I'm back to normal once we leave. WTF is that about?
She is not an evil person, and i think she honestly believes that she does nothing wrong. But i still want to roundhouse kick her in the face when we are together.
DEAR ABBY, HOW DO I GET OVER MYSELF? And/or, what the hell do I do now? Write her back? Ignore her? Eat icky crow and cower and say, 'yes mommy, you are right, I wuz wrong and I'll never do it again?' I mean, worst case scenario, I only see her once a year, for about a week. It's not like we live across the street from on another. And I KNOW she will never see the light to her passive aggressive ebilness.
FLIST! SAVE ME!
Marineland
I never posted this, but I still giggle when I think of it. When we were at Marineland in Niagara Falls this summer, we saw the dolphin show, and at the end, they brought out a massive walrus, who did a couple of tricks (like waving, and nodding her head, etc) and at the end, she did a spin, but CRAPPED OUT BUCKETS AND BUCKETS OF WALRUS SHIT in a huge arc around her. This, in and of itself was amusing, but the ABJECT horror of the crowd was most amusing!! And then AND THEN!!! a seagull flew down and picked up a hunk of poop AND THE CROWD WENT BALLISTIC! And then the seagull ATE THE HUNK OF SHIT and i swear to god, people were swooning and screaming and I had MOTHERFUCKIN' tears of amusement streaming down my face. These people were so quiet, the whole show, clapping politely, but you know, sort of phoning it in, but they became a rioting mob of sobbing undead with the WALRUS POOP INCIDENT OF /09.
Okay, reading that last bit, yeah, maybe I DO need an attitude adjustment. :D
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Date: 2009-08-15 04:57 am (UTC)I can be 'right' and never get along with her, or I can be 'the better person' and just deal.
I prefer to be the better person who is right and has managed to avoid murdering her parents! :D (Thus I have not seen them in 8 years.) This seems to be working quite well for everyone as they are both still alive, and I'm not in jail...
Seriously though, isn't it amazing how we are so able to push the buttons (or have our buttons pushed) of/by those closest to us?
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Date: 2009-08-15 09:16 pm (UTC)and yes, I certainly realize that I am also a pusher of buttons. Mostly because (I think) that she is so clueless about how what she says/does affects other people.
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Date: 2009-08-15 05:09 am (UTC)And then continue to cordially send kids' school pics and holiday cards or whatever exactly as usual.
And then see if the reality of not seeing her grandchildren in the flesh eventually provokes a change of heart. Or, if that seems too harsh, plan to stay at a hotel next time. And sign the guestbook each day. Or just skip next year.
Not really for your sake, but because do your kids need to deal with that? I went up to see my crazymaking relatives for my mom's sake, not mine, you know? And dude, I am HARD to make think cutting all ties is the right plan, so I think you're probably way past justified.
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Date: 2009-08-15 09:23 pm (UTC)And he is a really even keel dude. I think I will eventually write and say something along the lines of "You were right about this, and wrong about that (ie adoption being the issue) but it looks like we will have to agree to disagree.
And yeah, a hotel would be a good (but expensive) option.
A deft slap in the face would sure feel good though ....
I think my main issue is that I resent her 'not good enough' vibes I got growing up, and I am ACRAZYMUTHERFUCKER when it comes to her saying anything even REMOTELY negative to my kids. And I GET that i am off the hook that way, but I cannot seem to stop myself. My kids just shrug it off. it's not like she's being mean to them or anything, and yeah, I give them 99.9% of their parenting (well, me and hubby, of course) so .01% of bitchy grandma certainly won't crush their little egos, I'm sure.
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Date: 2009-08-15 09:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-15 05:16 am (UTC)Ok as for the mom stuff, I have no idea. I am one of the lucky ones who has a mom who is a fucking weirdo like me. I'd say I guess be the better person just to keep her kind of around, even if just for your kids to not be estranged from their grandma. Ugh people like her make me wanna slap a bitch. I was gonna ask how you got to be so damn awesome coming from someone like that, but you dont have her DNA. WOOT!
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Date: 2009-08-15 09:25 pm (UTC)As for mom, yeah, I won't cut her out of my life. it's not like she's EVIL, she's just irritating and annoying.
And yes, my adoption gives me hope, not sadness. :D
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Date: 2009-08-15 05:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-15 09:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-15 05:31 am (UTC)ROFLMAO @ the Walrus Poop Incident of 09!
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Date: 2009-08-15 09:27 pm (UTC)And yes, that walrus will forever live in our hearts!
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Date: 2009-08-15 06:07 am (UTC)And dude, that walrus poop thing sounds so friggin' fantastic. ^_^
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Date: 2009-08-15 09:29 pm (UTC)I won't cut ties with her, she's not THAT bad. I guess I just have to get over HER and myself and deal. Laying out some groundrules and staying at a hotel def seems like the way to go.
If she doesn't like it, then tough.
And yes, the walrus poop was epic.
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Date: 2009-08-15 06:28 am (UTC)If you think that will make things WAY WORSE, then I'm voting for the Flora-option. Because yeah, it's sort of ridiculous to the Nth degree that she's basically making you and your entire family unwelcome because of that.
And also? Walrus poop and bad!kink pelicans may need to make a cameo in my next fic. Cuz THAT was some funny shit!
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Date: 2009-08-15 05:10 pm (UTC)No pun intended, right? ::smirk::
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Date: 2009-08-15 09:33 pm (UTC)I doubt it will help (she just crumples and pulls the 'Poor Me, I do and do and do for you kids' card. Thank God her new hubby (you know, the one I'm jealous of?) is a great guy, and won't hesitate to tell her that she's out of line.
I think we will stay in a hotel from now on. No question.
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Date: 2009-08-15 06:44 am (UTC)Your mom...I don't know what to say about her. My mom brings out the worst in me sometimes easily, but I don't think it's to the level of yours at all (although in 20 years, who knows). Who freaks out over such a thing in a guestbook? That's ridiculous. And that's not even bad :/ I'd have written far worse.
That letter.. *shakes head* Yea, I dunno. Wouldn't be in a rush to talk to her for a while. Pinning it on you being adopted? That's absurd.
I dunno. I fail to see this bad attitude. I mean, you have attitude, but not in a negative way!
*Hugs*
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Date: 2009-08-15 09:35 pm (UTC)I will admit that I am mucho bitchy and have a hair trigger when I'm around her. No question about it. I guess I need to figure out how to 'filter' her out. Lance is great at it. His own mom can be all crazymaking, and he just smiles and nods and ignores her. WHERE DO I GET ME THIS MAGICAL FILTER?
and yeah, the adopted thing. I was like this: (o>0)
WHAT-EV!
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Date: 2009-08-15 07:29 am (UTC)I saw this between my mom and HER mother. I can understand totally why they didn't get along, even though I loved both of them. My grandmother was definitely an ESTJ (Extraverted Sensing Thinking Judger), and mom was INFP (Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiver). Total opposites, personality-wise. I once read to my grandmother the definition of her personality, which basically said she knows best, and everybody else better fall in line or she will kick their asses, and anybody who didn't stand up to her was a pussy who didn't deserve respect. My mom's response to this description was horror, but my grandmother was like: yeah, that's me to a T. Woo-hoo I rock! My mom's description was basically how she lived to serve others and was very sensitive and tender-hearted and hated conflict, which of course my grandmother was like "gag me, such people should slit their wrists and put themselves out of their misery," and my mom was like "yes, and isn't it awful that people aren't nicer?" Mom spent most of her life depressed, mostly because her mother nagged and criticized her constantly, meanwhile grandmother barreled through life like a bull in a china shop having a grand old time. She was not the sort of person who spent any amount of time introspecting or thinking about the feelings of others. I got along great with grandmother, because I didn't let her push me around, so she respected me. She never respected my mom, because mom never stood up to her. Very, very sad to watch.
Anyway, maybe you could look into the Myers-Briggs personality types and see if it might give you insight into yourself and your mom, and how your fundamental world views might be completely at odds. If you're not familiar, check into a book called "Type Talk".
Or not. When I was dealing with a particularly difficult co-worker, a friend gave me a book on dealing with difficult people. Basically it was all about how to figure out what their problems were and then help them work through them. I decided I didn't really care enough to be this person's unpaid psychotherapist, so I took a scorched earth approach to the relationship. Quite satisfying.
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Date: 2009-08-15 09:44 pm (UTC)My mother is more like your mother, but is frustrated because of it, and lashes out passive agressively. she would pretty much never come right out and say something bad, she hides her insults in back handed compliments (You're so pretty, why do you wear such ugly clothes?) and just hints at things that she'd like to say. Then, she sits all smug and innocent. Why are you mad at me?
I honestly don't think she even realizes what she's doing. This is why it's hard to call her out on stuff, and why writing her back will be difficult. Each little thing she does is not too bad, but they add up to a lot of frustration to the people around her. My brother has had a few talks with her about these things, but to no avail. She just gets pouty and pulls out the guilt trip.
I agree that therapy would be helpful, but seeing that she lives so far away, and we only see her once a year, I don't know that I'd be willing to invest the time and money. I know *I* would benefit in other ways in my life too, but aside from my dealings with her, i am quite happy, and have a husband who calls me out when I pull shit like this.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful and informative post. I will def look into the whole Myers-Briggs thing. Perhaps, if nothing else, it will help me understand her better and help me control my OWN thoughts about her.
And yes, I totally understand her power over me WHEN SHE'S NOT EVEN HERE. It drives me crazy!
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Date: 2009-08-16 01:38 am (UTC)Studying the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Inventory) stuff helped me understand a lot about myself, my mom, my husband, my co-workers, etc. It really clarified things that had remained a mystery to me. I'm slightly Asperger's (mild autistic-like social dysfunction), so dealing with people is an acquired skill for me -- I have to learn by rote things that most people understand instinctively. Having personality traits quantified with the MBTI was like having a light shone on all my relationship struggles.
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Date: 2009-08-15 07:38 am (UTC)Long story short; what they were all too busy sucking up to her to see was that she had the early symptoms of Alzheimer's Disease. It can develop so slowly that the people closest to the victim don't notice it, and only someone with a bit of perspective sees it for what it is. I then had ten years of telling people "She's ill!" and being called spiteful, vindictive, whatever. But (largely because I didn't want to get stuck with having to look after her in my home) I managed to organise things so that eventually I would have the legal power to put her in a care home.
Two years on from that glorious day, my mother thinks it's 1958 and has no idea who I am, and those of the family who are still talking to me think I'm a saint and are jolly grateful that I took the initiative while everybody else was in denial.
In other words - it's a very tough road, but because you have a bit of perspective on the situation you are likely to emerge from it without disaster. Your mother is not going to get any better - I wasted years hoping that mine would! - but other people's points of view should gradually change. You will crawl out from under it eventually, I promise, and you will be the stronger for the struggle. I'll be rooting for you.
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Date: 2009-08-15 09:48 pm (UTC)I will bring up something crappy from my childhood or teen years, and she will look at me with confusion. "That never happened!" Um yeah, it did. Let's call it SELECTIVE Alzheimers. *eyeroll*
Thanks so much for your kind words. And I follow your livejournal, so I am somewhat familiar with the trials you've had regarding your mother and other relatives.
TALK ABOUT DENIAL!
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Date: 2009-08-15 01:34 pm (UTC)And omg I just snorted coffee up my nose at the walrus story. TEARS, YES. I would have been right there with you, hoping it lasted forever. :D
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Date: 2009-08-15 09:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-15 01:47 pm (UTC)oh, god, I'm so sorry you have to hear something like that.
When i know I am going to see her, I start to hear her negative voice in my mind, her constant judging and backhanded compliments etc.
That's it right there, isn't it?
I've had similar dealings with my mother. I haven't spoken to her in 4 years, because dealing with her bad days ended up causing things like memory loss for me (I have gaps in my memory lasting from days to even months depending on how bad things got). I miss her though, and still can't quite reconcile the good times from who she's become.
Do what you need to do, because it's the only thing you'll be able to live with.
<3
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Date: 2009-08-17 03:55 am (UTC)HOW THE HELL DOES THIS HAPPEN? It seriously scares me that I may someday be such a crazy bitch that my own children have to rant about me on their livejournals!
I just hope I can be non judgemental enough that they will always feel comfortable around me.
Hugs
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Date: 2009-08-15 02:16 pm (UTC)I just ignore her. She tries her evil on me but knows I've become immune to her crap. She still has my four brothers firmly under her mantle of guilt, though, poor stupid saps. LOL!
Don't let her get to you. When you have to visit her, spend most of your time out doing the sights than with her, and every one will be happier, yeah?
Also, I would have LOVED to see the walrus crapping and the birds dining on it! LOL! I may be a grown woman, but growing up with the four brothers, I've developed a love of bathroom humor.
*hugs*
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Date: 2009-08-17 03:57 am (UTC)Actually, I rarely feel guilty around her. I just get extremely irritated at her picking and picking and picking that she does. Then, when I call her out, she pulls the guilt card. THAT part doesn't bother me, but the constant nagging does.
And yes, I only had one brother, but I love me some poop jokes!
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Date: 2009-08-15 03:53 pm (UTC)I am the walrus, poop poop de poop!
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Date: 2009-08-17 03:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-17 02:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-15 04:59 pm (UTC)I stayed in touch with my mother through a long illness and I don't regret that, even though it just about killed me at the time. Staying in touch with my grandmother is that much harder and gets harder as she gets older.
My one rule now is that I never ever stay with a family member when I visit. I rent a hotel room and make sure I have "my space" to return to at the end of the day. I also make sure that I have things to do that are only about me or mine when I'm visiting. It's not much, but it really does help me stay on an even keel.
OTOH, if my grandmother had said something like that, I'd find myself need to respond, although I'd probably get my partner to read my response before I sent it.
And at the very least, I'd use it as an excuse never to stay in her house again.
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Date: 2009-08-17 04:03 am (UTC)Oddly enough, we don't actually DO much stuff with her when we visit. She'll come along sometimes, if we take the kids to the zoo or something, but they are really sort of detached in an odd way. I guess they are used to their own routine, and don't deviate from it a whole lot.
*sigh* Oh well. I think a hotel (with a pool and a massage) will be mandatory. :D
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Date: 2009-08-17 02:40 pm (UTC)A pool and a massage, now that sounds like a vacation.
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Date: 2009-08-15 05:22 pm (UTC)Also, I'm cracking up at the crowd reaction to the Walrus Poop Incident. :P I wonder how the animal handlers took it all? LOL
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Date: 2009-08-17 04:06 am (UTC)I wouldn't say my mother is abusive, she's just really fuckin' irritating. She is much to passive agressive to be outright abusive. *eyeroll*
As for the walrus handler, he just kind of shrugged and grinned. And he was offstage when the seagull came down for it's
kinksnack. :Dno subject
Date: 2009-08-18 12:01 am (UTC)I agree with your husband though. Because while she's a raging pain in the ass, it would kind of suck to deny your kids a grandmother :S Just be cool when around her, or pass the phone to the kiddies when she calls if you don't wish to be totally under her thumb. That's all I gots :( That sucks though *hugs*
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Date: 2009-08-22 05:46 am (UTC)thank god she lives a few thousand miles away!
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Date: 2009-08-26 04:25 am (UTC)