Do you volunteer?

[tripperfunster]

Does anyone out there volunteer for stuff? I mean, charity stuff?

I've done my time on the parent/teacher council, and chaired my local business improvement zone meetings for a few years, but I've never done the 'soup kitchen' type circuit.

My youngest son is having a lot of self esteem issues lately, and I though that perhaps getting involved with people who need his assistance might make him feel more 'worthy' or 'needed.' Despite all evidence to the contrary, he doesn't feel like a good person. He's afraid that he's going to grow up to be a bully, or worse, someone with a gun in a watch tower. (okay, no more CNN for him!)

He's a lovely child, and is very conscious about being kind to others, but for some reason has a terrible sense of self-worth. He thinks that his anxiety problems are a burden to us and he feels badly every time he has a panic attack or doesn't want to eat at a restaurant because of his germ worries, etc.

He's seeing a councillor about this, but I fear that it's getting worse, not better. I really worry that he might be a candidate for suicide if he can't get a handle on his guilt and self worth.

Any thoughts? I've figured that we'll start small, with low to no commitment, in case his anxiety gets too high, but perhaps cleaning up garbage in the ditches near our country home would be a good start. And then, possibly visiting an seniors residence occasionally. Maybe even set something up where we could bring some animals once a week. Animals are always a good buffer, and the excuse that I would need his help would ring true.

I've called the closest residence and left a message with the director.

Any other thoughts or suggestions? My kids already take music lessons once per week, and I don't want to live one of those 'scheduled' lives, where we have activities 6 nights per week, but an hour or two here and there wouldn't clog up his free time too much. I was even thinking that we might do it during school hours. School is one of his major anxiety issues, and the thought of escaping for an hour to do volunteer work might just be the carrot he'd need to agree.

Edited to add: Obvs, I've made it clear to him that he is NOT a burden and that we love him and he's a great kid. Ohana means family and all that. He just can't seem to accept it.

Comments

[mab.livejournal.com]

I'm going through this with my 14 year old daughter. It's so hard to stand by and not be able to fix it!

Have you looked at DBT? It's a different type of therapy, but when I was in a dark place, was the ONLY thing that reached me and I'm convinced it helped me to climb out. I'm getting my daughter on the waitlist for the program here in Portland. There's a teen program too, so they aren't mixing with fucked up adults. (but obvs I don't know if this sort of therapy is available where you are. May be worth a look)

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

I wish you all the best. *holds hands in solidarity*

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

The therapist has been talking about (and doing?) some CBT (which I informed him was a VERY different thing, if you google it!!) (hint: cock and ball torture!!!!!)

Anyhoo, he's only been seeing this person for a couple of months, but the therapist thinks he's getting worse, not better.

I've been trying to help my son see the 'good' in stuff, because he's somehow trained his brain to only see the bad. Just a simple" Tell me two good things about your day" and then we work on finding one more. And one more. He really, honestly struggles to find things! And typically, he's the white, priviliged kid who has everything. Clean water, safe house, mom and dad who love him, pets, toys, games, healthcare etc. Although I try to not pull the "Jesus, kid! There are fuckin' five year olds fighting wars in Sumalia" card," it's hard!

He is so fuckin' lucky, but his anxiety/depression seems to hide that all from him. So we work on appreciating the little things. I"m really hoping that spending time helping others will give him some feelings of worth. (not that I'm expecting a miracle, but it's all done in baby steps, amirite?)

*hugs* It must be even harder with girls. Add some body image issues on top of everything else? NO THANK YOU DO NOT WANT.

[mab.livejournal.com]

If your therapist recommends CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) ahem... then DBT is probably what will be effective. It combines Eastern and Westerns thoughts about therapty, combo CBT + Buddist style meditation and concept of Mindfulness, so it addresses the behaviors, but ALSO teaches a skill set for dealing with distress and thereby skillfully changing the behaviors. I loved it because it was me learning and changing myself, rather than following some wrinkled old guys "prescription" of "this is what you do to make it all better." When it comes from within, change sticks and gives a major boost in esteem and "OMG, I can do this".

XD! I did look up Canada DBT and it looks like there are programs there. Definitely give it some thought.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

That actually sounds quite a bit like what he's been doing. Helping learn some breathing exercises and relaxation techniques. Talking about the 'bully' in his head, that bosses him around, and how to deal with that bully etc.

This therapist really did wonders with my other son, but his problems were a bit more specific. Q seems to have anxiety about EVERYTHING. I will ask him about this program specifically. Thanks!