Do you volunteer?

[tripperfunster]

Does anyone out there volunteer for stuff? I mean, charity stuff?

I've done my time on the parent/teacher council, and chaired my local business improvement zone meetings for a few years, but I've never done the 'soup kitchen' type circuit.

My youngest son is having a lot of self esteem issues lately, and I though that perhaps getting involved with people who need his assistance might make him feel more 'worthy' or 'needed.' Despite all evidence to the contrary, he doesn't feel like a good person. He's afraid that he's going to grow up to be a bully, or worse, someone with a gun in a watch tower. (okay, no more CNN for him!)

He's a lovely child, and is very conscious about being kind to others, but for some reason has a terrible sense of self-worth. He thinks that his anxiety problems are a burden to us and he feels badly every time he has a panic attack or doesn't want to eat at a restaurant because of his germ worries, etc.

He's seeing a councillor about this, but I fear that it's getting worse, not better. I really worry that he might be a candidate for suicide if he can't get a handle on his guilt and self worth.

Any thoughts? I've figured that we'll start small, with low to no commitment, in case his anxiety gets too high, but perhaps cleaning up garbage in the ditches near our country home would be a good start. And then, possibly visiting an seniors residence occasionally. Maybe even set something up where we could bring some animals once a week. Animals are always a good buffer, and the excuse that I would need his help would ring true.

I've called the closest residence and left a message with the director.

Any other thoughts or suggestions? My kids already take music lessons once per week, and I don't want to live one of those 'scheduled' lives, where we have activities 6 nights per week, but an hour or two here and there wouldn't clog up his free time too much. I was even thinking that we might do it during school hours. School is one of his major anxiety issues, and the thought of escaping for an hour to do volunteer work might just be the carrot he'd need to agree.

Edited to add: Obvs, I've made it clear to him that he is NOT a burden and that we love him and he's a great kid. Ohana means family and all that. He just can't seem to accept it.

Comments

[akatnamedeaster.livejournal.com]

How old is your son? I'm thinking one of those mentoring type programs with younger kids or something of that nature. Something where he has one on one interaction and can see he's making a measurable difference in someone's life for the better.

If he's too young for that, the senior center is a great idea. They do that in school with the children here and it does make a huge difference for them to go there to do crafts or put on shows for the seniors.

You're in a very tough place since when kids are stuck in that mire, it often feels like nothing you say can get them unstuck but he's hearing you, even if it doesn't seem like it. Poor guy. It's always the nicest kids who have to go through this shit.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

He's 11, and I don't think he would enjoy a one on one mentoring. (although I might be wrong.) My other son 12, would eat it up. He LOVES to teach.

Yeah, I"ve tried explaining to him that generally, assholes and psychopaths don't spend any time worrying about being assholes and psychopaths, which makes them what they are! People who give a shit (like him) are able to change their behaviour.

They used to do the senior centre at his school too, but the centre moved to the next town, so nope!

And yeah, he's a total sweetheart. it's hard to see him in pain.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

I don't myself, but my hubby volunteers for the local wildlife preservation group - they have regular events they call mega-bashes where they go and chop down vegetation that isn't supposed to be there, clean rubbish out of streams and so on. That's fun if you like outdoorsy sorts of pursuits and physical exercise (which is in turn good for releasing feel-good endorphins). He also marshals for a weekly Park run (which I think are now a global phenomenon) - they have people of all ages helping out and running. You might be able to find something like that near you.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

I've not heard of park runs! I"ll have to look that up.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

If there isn't one in a park near you, I bet you could start one! They seem to be taking off like wildfire.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

It sounds like it might involve excersise! *shudders* :D

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Ha ha that's my reaction - but you can organise, make tea and cake or marshal - and get your son to do the running... LOL

[mab.livejournal.com]

I'm going through this with my 14 year old daughter. It's so hard to stand by and not be able to fix it!

Have you looked at DBT? It's a different type of therapy, but when I was in a dark place, was the ONLY thing that reached me and I'm convinced it helped me to climb out. I'm getting my daughter on the waitlist for the program here in Portland. There's a teen program too, so they aren't mixing with fucked up adults. (but obvs I don't know if this sort of therapy is available where you are. May be worth a look)

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

I wish you all the best. *holds hands in solidarity*

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

The therapist has been talking about (and doing?) some CBT (which I informed him was a VERY different thing, if you google it!!) (hint: cock and ball torture!!!!!)

Anyhoo, he's only been seeing this person for a couple of months, but the therapist thinks he's getting worse, not better.

I've been trying to help my son see the 'good' in stuff, because he's somehow trained his brain to only see the bad. Just a simple" Tell me two good things about your day" and then we work on finding one more. And one more. He really, honestly struggles to find things! And typically, he's the white, priviliged kid who has everything. Clean water, safe house, mom and dad who love him, pets, toys, games, healthcare etc. Although I try to not pull the "Jesus, kid! There are fuckin' five year olds fighting wars in Sumalia" card," it's hard!

He is so fuckin' lucky, but his anxiety/depression seems to hide that all from him. So we work on appreciating the little things. I"m really hoping that spending time helping others will give him some feelings of worth. (not that I'm expecting a miracle, but it's all done in baby steps, amirite?)

*hugs* It must be even harder with girls. Add some body image issues on top of everything else? NO THANK YOU DO NOT WANT.

[mab.livejournal.com]

If your therapist recommends CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) ahem... then DBT is probably what will be effective. It combines Eastern and Westerns thoughts about therapty, combo CBT + Buddist style meditation and concept of Mindfulness, so it addresses the behaviors, but ALSO teaches a skill set for dealing with distress and thereby skillfully changing the behaviors. I loved it because it was me learning and changing myself, rather than following some wrinkled old guys "prescription" of "this is what you do to make it all better." When it comes from within, change sticks and gives a major boost in esteem and "OMG, I can do this".

XD! I did look up Canada DBT and it looks like there are programs there. Definitely give it some thought.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

That actually sounds quite a bit like what he's been doing. Helping learn some breathing exercises and relaxation techniques. Talking about the 'bully' in his head, that bosses him around, and how to deal with that bully etc.

This therapist really did wonders with my other son, but his problems were a bit more specific. Q seems to have anxiety about EVERYTHING. I will ask him about this program specifically. Thanks!

[k8bnimble.livejournal.com]

Do any of your animal shelters offer a reading program so kids can read out loud to the shelter animals? Seems to help both the kids and the animals and he might feel less anxious helping animals at first.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/kids-read-to-sheltered-cats-and-everyones-heart-collectively#35decix

[forest-rose.livejournal.com]

Awww, poor honey. Volunteering sounds like a good thing. My brother in law (in his 20s now) had a lot of school anxiety etc growing up, and he did a lot of volunteering with kids with Down Syndrome and similar conditions. It really helped his confidence.

Additionally, if your son would like a pen pal, I am totally up for sending the occasional Package Of Awesome from the UK. I remember what it was like to be 11 and scared of everything. xx

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

OMG, pen pals sounds like fun!

How's the coroner thing going? I bet he'd have a ton of questions, if you're up for talking about work!!

[forest-rose.livejournal.com]

Work is awesome, but I'm not a coroner - I'm a forensic medical examiner, which is somewhat different. I mostly look after people in police custody with various medical/mental health issues, but I also go to scenes of death (all kinds - murder, suicide and natural causes), do examinations and take forensic samples after rapes, and take blood samples from drunk drivers. And do a lot of waiting around to give evidence in court :-)

I'm totally up for talking about work - obviously a sanitised version suitable for a sensitive 11-year old!

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Well, duh, I knew that. Sorry! I guess I was broadly categorizing things, instead of being specific. ALL YOU DOCTORS ARE THE SAME, RIGHT????

How is court? Is it mostly boring? Or is it very nerve wracking for you??

[forest-rose.livejournal.com]

Also ALL DOCTORS ARE MEAN AND EVIL, according to most of the internet.
Court is both boring and scary! The waiting is boring, but then there's the being questioned, and I really hate confrontation so I find scary lawyer questioning a bit intimidating.

[pale-chartreuse.livejournal.com]

I volunteer for the Heinlein Society. We sponsor (i.e. organize for red cross or bloodmobiles to come form local hospitals) blood drives at science fiction conventions.

My son needed to do some community service as part of his Bar Mitzvah preparation, and we found that most places will not let a child under the age of 16 volunteer. Some places might allow it if the parent also volunteers.

So we had to make our own opportunities. He had a yard sale of his old toys and donated it to a Ronald McDonald House. We also did a video game marathon for Child's Play, which is the video gamers charity. It was founded by the people who organize PAX and PAX East. He and his friends asked people to sponsor them, like you would do for a walkathon. The money went through Child's Play to our local children's hospital, dedicated for purchasing video games and equipment for patient use and therapy.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

I've never heard of PAX. This sounds like something that would be right up his alley! (and his brothers!)

Thanks for the tip!

More Info

[pale-chartreuse.livejournal.com]

Child's Play
http://www.childsplaycharity.org/

PAX stands for Penny Arcade Expo.
http://www.paxsite.com/

The main Penny Arcade website
http://www.penny-arcade.com/

I hope this helps.

[facecat.livejournal.com]

Does he like to read? If your local library has a reading corner for kids maybe he could be one of the readers. Also, SPCA or a local vet might let him help cleaning out cages.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Hee! We actually do pet rescue at our pet store, and trust me, he's never been inclined to clean out any cages. ;) His brother is the 'animal guy'. I brought up the visiting people at the senior's residence and/or picking up the garbage, and he was actually pretty keen on both.

As for reading … maybe. He's just a tad behind in his reading skills, and while he's doing just fine with it, I know he's a bit self conscious. Of course, he'd be reading lower level books, so that might not be a problem. I'll look into it. Thanks!

[juniperus.livejournal.com]

Reading lower-level books for little kids would also give him some confidence with being in front of people (having something to hold is a nice thing when nervous!) and practice, so you may see his comforts with reading books at his level increase.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

That is true. Convincing him to read publicly might be a different story, though. :D

[itsjustgwen.livejournal.com]

If he's not really clicking with his therapist, don't wait. Change to someone else. From my experience, you just waste your time, if you and your therapist aren't a good fit. My son went through something similar when he was 12. We were lucky to find a 'cool' guy in his 20's (with a tattoo). After 2 months of weekly visits, my son felt much better.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

I actually like this therapist quite a bit, and so does my son. But he is a councillor, not a doctor, so he is limited in what he can do regarding medications and such. It was he, who came to me and suggested that things were not improving like he had hoped.

He hasn't given up, but just wanted us to be informed, and we'll be meeting with him next week to discuss all of our options.

But you are exactly right. When there is a bad fit, there's no point dragging things out.

[foxestacado.livejournal.com]

I think all of the suggestions are really great. I think volunteering is a great idea. I have nothing to add really, but I'm happy that you're thinking out of the box for him, because it sounds like such a tough situation, and I wish you both luck. Please keep us updated!

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thanks hon!

It is a tough situation, but it feels really great to be there for him in a way that my parents never could be. It would have been a lot of 'Suck it up' and "it's all in your head.'

My husband's family has anxiety issues, so it's not seekrit where this is coming from. ;)

[synn.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid I don't have much helpful advice to add- i've never really volunteered nor do I have kids -
But I'm sorry he's having such a hard time. Some of what you describe around self-worth issues are familiar to me, and i wish there was something i could say, some message I could give him that would help.
Volunteering seems like a great idea. I've had trouble finding volunteer activities myself, so none of these are really volunteer things, but they are charity or awareness raising related:

Would participating in fundraising 5K (walks, if he doesn't run) be something he might like? They're low on time commitment, and while they usually have an element of fundraising to them, you can skip that part and just consider that by paying the entrance fee and participating, you're donating something yourself and helping to raise awareness.

What about military care packages he could help put together and send out?

there's also the endure 4 kindness (through the random acts charity: http://www.therandomact.org/ ) -- that's next weekend, so it's not a lot of time to prepare, but it's very open-ended for what you do and how long. Maybe there's something he could make during it (something little/inexpensive), that he could then hand out at the senior home or to random folks to brighten their day?

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Hey! I just put in my application for a (volunteer) graphic artist position with Random Acts!

I tried to volunteer a few years ago and was intimidated with all of the 'police background check' type stuff everyone seemed to require. Man, make it HARDER to help people!

[chocolate-frapp.livejournal.com]

I don't know if this is at all helpful but i have done volunteer work for everything from AIDS patients to zoos to gay men's choruses and I usually find it very rewarding.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thank you yes. I am hoping this will be the case with us too. It might take a while to find a good fit, but I'm sure there's something out there for us.

[janice-lester.livejournal.com]

Might seem a bit random, but if there's a wheelchair rugby (quad rugby) team near you, they can probably use volunteers to be available at training sessions to do things like referee, keep score, pump up tyres, adjust belts and straps, retrieve balls that have rolled into hard-to-reach places, and pass water bottles. Other para-sports teams can probably use volunteers too, but rugby occurred to me because a) it's something I do, and b) most of the folks playing rugby have significant hand impairment or no hand function at all, so although they tend to be pretty independent generally there are a lot of fiddly little tasks they can't do but the average 11-year-old can. It's not a sport that's familiar to most people, so we're used to people coming in with no knowledge of the game at all. He could meet some awesome characters and see some big hits and spectacular wipeouts, help out when asked and have some fun. ;-)

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

I've never heard of wheelchair rugby! We have a neat kind of para-hockey here, where the players use ski poles and push themselves around in these neat sleds though. You've probably seen that in the winter Olympics.

I will look into that. Thanks!

[janice-lester.livejournal.com]

I've seen some highlights of sled hockey, but that's all. It doesn't seem to be a thing here, probably because ice rinks aren't thick on the ground.

Canada invented wheelchair rugby! And is currently ranked #2 behind Australia, which is fantastic because it looked like Aussie and the USA were going to take turns forever. Relevant film (though probably not suitable for 11-year-olds) is Murderball.

Anyway, it was just a random thought, something a bit different. Less show up, do a defined set of tasks for an hour, receive gratitude, more hang out with awesome, slightly crazy people and become increasingly useful as they get used to you. Mum used to come to rugby training and spend two hours working on her cross-stitch. Now she's busy most of the time helping with this and that, she's even learned to patch tyres and operate the scoreboard . :-) Still, it might be a terrible fit for your son. But I'm sure there's something somewhere for him. ♥

[dickgloucester.livejournal.com]

I'm sure you have a lot of good advice - sorry, haven't read comments - but my immediate reaction is that if he's seeing a counsellor but getting worse, then the counsellor is not a good fit. Is Shefa on your flist? She might be able to offer some pointers about finding someone good.

And *hugs* to you. It's awful to know your child is in pain. It seems a good idea to find him something that will show him how valuable he is.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Actually, I think he's a pretty good fit. Quincey likes him and feels comfortable sharing most of his secrets there. It was actually the therapist that informed us that he thought things were going as well as planned.

We are meeting with him next week to see what the next step might be. He's not given up, but thinks maybe a psychologist (as opposed to just a councillor) might help.

Thanks though. I agree. If he wasn't a good fit, we wouldn't waste any time switching.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Hey, when I wanted volunteer opportunities for me and Viola, I went to volunteermatch. Turns out Canada also has a website:

http://volunteer.ca/

That way you can search for opportunities that allow kids.