The Lost House Script
Dec. 9th, 2007 07:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tripperfunsterI wrote this almost a year ago, in hopes of using it to find a screenplay agent, but now, alas, it is so outdated that its practically useless. *sigh*
This is a screenplay script for the show House, and the timeline would be approximately Season Three, right before he fired everybody.
Its rated G, because, duh, it was written for tv, but fear not, there are lots and lots of slashy over/undertones. Also, its written in script format, so although its a bit odd to read at first, its actually reads smoothly once you get started.
Title: Dream Girl
Rating G
Summary: Wilson is considering on-line dating, and House is having very odd dreams. Oh, and Gene Simmons is featured too!
OH, and just so's ya know...'beat' means a pause, not an actuall....um...drum beat. And I've been informed that Peter Criss would never be playing with KISS anymore. Point taken.
TEASER
FADE IN
CONCERT ARENA - DAY
The arena is packed with fans. Many have their faces painted black and white and it is an
excited party atmosphere. The stage has an impressive light show and is set up with the
usual accoutrements befitting a heavy metal concert; drum kit, guitars and massive
speakers. A huge lighted sign acts as the backdrop for the stage. In ten foot letters it
reads: KISS
The crowd begins to CHANT in unison.
CROWD
KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!
The cry grows in volume and urgency, and the crowd pumps their fists in the air, timed
with the chant.
CROWD
KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!
A ROADIE looks nervously at the crowd from behind a curtain, stage right. He looks to
the wings, but they are empty, save another ROADIE, who shrugs.
ROADIE #1 walks back stage, past Roadie #2, into a dim hallway and
down a flight of stairs. He passes a few more TECHNICIANS, goes down a long
corridor, turns a corner and then enters into a hallway where THREE MEMBERS OF
KISS, in full make up and costume are huddled together
outside of a closed door.
ROADIE #1
They’re going crazy out there. What do you
want me to do?
PETER CRISS bangs on the closed door.
PETER CRISS
Gene! Man, let’s go!
CUT TO:
INT- GENE SIMMONS’ DRESSING ROOM - DAY
Gene is in costume as well, but he is leaning against the door, preventing it from being
opened. He is breathing heavily and looks very afraid. The door banging resumes, and
wide eyed, Gene gasps in fear.
CUT TO:
ARENA - DAY
The crowd has whipped themselves into a frenzy, continuing to scream the band’s name.
CUT TO:
INT. GENE’S DRESSING ROOM – DAY
Gene’s panicked look, as he too, can hear the screaming. He tries to get control of
himself, but the world is swimming before his eyes.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE GENE’S DRESSING ROOM – DAY
The rest of the band is stymied. They exchange worried looks as Peter bangs on the door
again.
CUT TO:
INT. GENE’S DRESSING ROOM - DAY
Gene takes a few more laboured breaths, then collapses. We hear his band mates
shouting O.C.
FADE OUT
OPENING CREDITS
FADE IN
EXT. GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT- DAY
CUDDY parks her car in the lot. As she opens her door to exit the vehicle, she drops her
keys between the seats. She bends to retrieve them, and her car door shuts, just as
ANOTHER VEHICLE speeds by, narrowly missing where her open car door had been.
Cuddy retrieves her keys and exits her vehicle, unaware of the near-miss.
CUT TO:
EXT. GROCERY STORE- ROOF - DAY
TWO MEN struggle to erect a sign atop the roof. Cuddy walks beneath them, entering
the store.
CUT TO:
INT. GROCERY STORE -DAY
Cuddy walks along the isles of produce towards the bakery. An EMPLOYEE is mopping
a very wet floor.
CLOSE on Cuddy’s high heels as she walks past and off camera. A MAN enters the
shot and slips and falls on the wet floor.
CUT TO:
INT. BAKERY COUNTER - DAY
CUDDY
Hi, yes. I’m here to pick up my order.
She hands the BAKER a slip of paper.
BAKER
Hold on a sec, I’ll get it.
The Baker exits. We HEAR a loud CRASH O.C.
CUDDY
No! Are you all right?
(beat)
Oh God, is my order all right?
The Baker returns holding a LARGE BOX.
BAKER
Yes. No problem! Damn slippery floors.
The Baker places the box on the counter. Cuddy pays for the box, and when the Baker
Walks away, she takes a small vial from her purse and looks around suspiciously.
CUT TO:
EXT. GROCERY STORE – DAY
Cuddy exits the store.
CUT TO:
EXT. GROCERY STORE ROOF – DAY
The men are still struggling with the sign. Cuddy comes into view, and pauses, balancing
the box in one hand while searching her purse for her car keys.
ROOF MAN#1 trips and drops his end of the sign. ROOF MAN#2 loses his grip as well
and they cry out as the sign drops to the sidewalk below.
CUT TO:
EXT. GROCERY STORE, STREET LEVEL – DAY
Cuddy reacts to the falling sign.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL EXAMINING ROOM - DAY
HOUSE, CAMERON, CHASE and FOREMAN are studying a bed-ridden PATIENT.
House is holding a catheter bag, very full of urine, which is still attached to the Patient.
HOUSE
Polyurea. Possible causes?
FOREMAN
Diabetes seems the most obvious.
HOUSE
(makes a buzzer sound)
Sorry, you didn’t answer in the form of a question!
Any other takers?
House gesticulates with the over-full bag of urine.
CAMERON
What is … a UTI?
HOUSE
(buzzer sound)
Wrong! No bugs in his pee pee.
House shakes the bag of urine at Cameron and the Patient flinches.
HOUSE
Chase?
CHASE
Erm … How about Diabetes Insipidus? It
presents like a bacterial infection, but no
organisms are revealed in the tests.
HOUSE
Ding!
(beat)
Well, no, actually you’re wrong too, the MRI was
negative, but I’ll give you partial marks, because
DI is so much more interesting than boring old DM!
House continues to wave the catheter bag around and the patient is visibly uncomfortable.
HOUSE(cont’d)
Let’s try Interstitial Cystitis for 100, Alex. Generally
Autoimmune in nature, but judging by this funny
little ‘X’ on your abdomen,
INSERT: Close up of the patient’s abdomen where House has lifted his hospital gown to
reveal a small ‘X’ tattooed on his stomach
HOUSE(cont’d)
I’d say that you’ve just undergone radiation
therapy. Unless, of course, you just got out
of the Big House, and this is the latest rage
in prison tats?
(beat)
I didn’t think so. Do a Fluid Deprivation test
and measure blood levels of ADH. If the
results are positive, we’ll need a biopsy and
start the patient on Dimethyl Sulfoxide.
FOREMAN
What about TENS?
CAMERON
Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation?
HOUSE
Or Saccral, we’ll see.
(to patient)
Hey, do you wanna live to be 100, or just have
it feel that way? No smoking, caffeine, chocolate,
spices, citrus, acidic foods or artificial sweeteners.
House spies an opened box of chocolates on the patient’s bed-side table. He picks them
up and begins to eat them.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
It would probably be safer if I just
confiscated these.
PATIENT
What can I have?
HOUSE
(thinks)
A nap?
House hands the now even fuller catheter bag to the patient and walks away.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Quack quack, I have a very important
two o’clock meeting.
House looks up at the patient’s television set, which is shut off.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Or did you pay for cable?
House sits down on the ‘guest’ chair in the patients room, (still eating the chocolates) and
grabs the remote. Everyone’s pagers begin to BEEP simultaneously. As all four doctors
reach to retrieve their beepers, we see WILSON run by the room, then skid to a stop at
the door. He appears distraught.
WILSON
It’s Cuddy. There’s been some sort of
accident. The ambulance is on its way.
He runs off, and the team springs into action, running from the room. The patient is left
holding his own urine bag.
PATIENT
(meekly)
Hello?
CUT TO:
INT. E.R.-DAY
House, Wilson and team rush out of the elevator as the attending E.R. doctor meets them.
E.R. DOC
Head and neck trauma, possible cervical damage.
They’ve intubated, and had to resuscitate en route.
He shakes his head. Everyone waits silently for the ambulance to arrive. The mood is
tense.
NURSE
They’re here!
The doors bust open and 3 EMT’s rush in, pushing a stretcher with a blanket covered
body. Their faces are grim, it would appear that Cuddy is dead. A beat, House’s shocked
reaction, then he rushes to the stretcher. Before he reaches it, the body on the stretcher
sits up and throws off the blanket. Cuddy is healthy and smiling, holding the box from
the bakery.
EVERYONE
(shouting)
SURPRISE!
Cuddy opens the box.
INSERT: A sheet cake in the shape of a house, saying, “Happy Birthday House.”
Everyone cheers and claps.
CUT TO:
INT. E.R.- DAY
The cake is cut up, drinks are passed around and people are milling about, chatting.
House passes his paper cup under his nose, and frowns. It is not alcoholic.
Small groups of people are talking and laughing. House stands alone, observing.
Cuddy approaches him and hands him a huge piece of cake..
HOUSE
Good Lord, does that come with a side of insulin?
CUDDY
Tradition, my dear. The birthday boy always gets
to eat his own name.
She hands him a fork and there is a comfortable silence while he takes a bite.
CUDDY(Cont’d)
Admit it, House. I got you this time!
HOUSE
Yup, you got me.
CUDDY
You had no idea!
HOUSE
Parted my hair.
CUDDY
You should have seen your face when I threw
off that blanket!
She slaps him playfully.
CUDDY(Cont’d)
I think you were actually concerned!
House eyes Cuddy’s cleavage.
HOUSE
Well sure! I was worried about the ‘girls’. Blunt
force trauma can cause serious silicone leaks.
Cuddy slaps him less playfully.
CUDDY
They are not silicone!
HOUSE
Sorry. Saline.
Cuddy stares at House for a moment, trying to read him. House notices and is
uncomfortable.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
I should get back upstairs. It’s getting late.
The streetlights are on, and mommy’s probably
getting worried.
House hands Cuddy the large slab of cake and begins to walk away.
CUDDY
But you’ve barely had any cake!
HOUSE
(while exiting)
Send it up.
CUT TO:
INT. CORRIDOR - ELEVATOR
House is waiting, pushing the button impatiently. Cuddy runs up to him.
CUDDY
House, hold up. We just got a call
about a multi-vehicle accident. We’ve
got eleven victims en route.
(beat)
We could really use you down here.
HOUSE
Do I get to poke people with stuff?
CUDDY
Probably.
HOUSE
Well … okay. But only if I get to use
sharp things.
CUT TO:
E.R.-INT-DAY
The major rush of patients has come to an end. House strips off his latex gloves as he
sends his last patient off for tests.
HOUSE
She’ll need a pelvic X-ray, and I want
Silverman to look at that leg. And put her
on anti-coagulants. Heparin, 600 units, I.V. bolus
then start a drip at 1100 units per hour.
House scrubs at his eyes as the patient is wheeled out, then takes his cane and begins to
exit. He stops, as his eye falls on a peculiar sight. In the next bay, lies Gene Simmons
from KISS, in full make-up and costume, reclined on a stretcher. He is having trouble
breathing . A nurse is taking his vital signs and hooking him up to an I.V. House
approaches Gene.
HOUSE
Hmm. I didn’t know Cirque du Soleil
was in town. I just loved ‘La Nuba.’
GENE
(with difficulty)
Ha. Ha. That’s so funny I forgot to breathe.
Tell ya what, Doc, get this elephant off my
chest and I’ll set you up with back stage passes
for the rest of your life.
HOUSE
(to nurse)
What’s his story?
NURSE
His heart rate is elevated, and he’s got some
obvious respiratory distress, but for the moment,
he seems stable.
HOUSE
Who’s his doctor?
NURSE
He hasn’t seen one. It’s been so crazy
around here that no one has had a chance
to examine him yet.
House extends his hand to Gene.
HOUSE
Mr. Simmons, it’s nice to meet you. I’m
Doctor House and I’ll be your physician.
GENE
You’ve just made me a happy man.
HOUSE
Great. Now let’s see if we can make you
a healthy one. Nurse, I’ll need a 12 lead ECG,
a chest x-ray and run a complete tox screen.
(beat)
And some Noxzema! I keep waiting for him to
walk against the wind or get stuck in an invisible
box.
House mimes for Gene.
GENE
A tox screen? You mean, for drugs?
HOUSE
Drugs, booze, solvents. What ever it is that
you crazy kids are into now-a-days.
GENE
You can save your time and money on that test,
I don’t do any of that crap. I never did.
House snorts and looks around.
HOUSE
Right.
(beat)
Okay, am I being Punk’d?
What about sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, the
three staples of the rock star lifestyle?
GENE
I’m just here for the first one.
HOUSE
And rock and roll?
GENE
That’s just another way to get the first one.
HOUSE
But, no drugs.
GENE
No drugs. They get in the way.
I need to be at my best for every
performance.
(beat)
And I’m not talking on-stage, if you know
what I mean.
They share a lewd chuckle.
HOUSE
You’ll forgive me if I order the tox-screen
anyway.
GENE
Fill your boots.
Shannon Tweed runs into the room, to Gene’s bed and hugs and kisses him. She pulls back and is dismayed by the tubes and monitors attached to Gene.
SHANNON
Oh Baby! Oh God, are you all right?
I came as soon as I could. What happened?
What’s wrong?
GENE
I’m okay, hon. Don’t worry. They’re
doing some tests.
SHANNON
Is it your heart?
GENE
No. At least, I don’t think so. Shannon,
this is Doctor House.
Shannon looks up at House. She takes in his rumpled appearance and is not impressed. House, on the other hand, is completely taken aback at her good looks.
SHANNON
Doctor? Really?
House grins and nods, dumbly.
SHANNON(Cont’d)
Exactly what kind of tests are you doing?
What are you looking for?
House is still struck dumb in her presence and continues to nod and stare like an idiot.
HOUSE
I … uh …
GENE
Blood tests, honey. And a chest x-ray.
HOUSE
Chest x-ray.
SHANNON
Are you sure you’re a doctor? Because I’m not-
House’s pager goes off and he fumbles it out of his pocket.
HOUSE
Yes, see? I have my own pager and
everything!
Shannon glares at him, neither impressed, nor amused. House’s reverie is now broken and he is aware of what a twit he’s been.
HOUSE
Um … yeah, I should go.
He shuffles out and Shannon looks to Gene, who shrugs.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE’S BOARD ROOM – DAY
House is sitting on the desk, in front of the white board, eating his cake. On the board,
the following words are written:
Panic attack Co poisoning
Myasthenia gravis coccidioidomycosis
Guillaine-Barre
House methodically chews whilst staring at the board. Chase enters.
CHASE
Well, you can cross off Agoraphobia.
House continues to eat and look at the board. He does not turn to face Chase.
HOUSE
What makes you say that?
CHASE
The stimulus is gone. There’s no ‘stage’
therefore, there’s no stage fright. And yes, his
heart rate is still elevated and his breathing labored.
HOUSE
Agoraphobia is fear of strangers. Topophobia
is stage fright. Maybe he has Nosocomephobia.
Chase is stumped, and when he does not answer, House turns to look at him.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Fear of hospitals. Or maybe it’s
Melaphobia.
Cameron and Foreman enter. Cameron is without her lab coat, wearing only a light
blouse and slacks.
FORMAN
Fear of music?
House stares at the semi-clad Cameron, mouth agape.
CHASE
No. Fear of melanoma?
House is still enthralled with Cameron. She notices his staring and quickly grabs her lab
coat from the back of a chair and shrugs it on.
HOUSE
Melons.
CHASE
Fear of melons? Why would he be afraid
of melons?
HOUSE
Have you seen his wife?
House holds his hands in front of his chest, in a gross exaggeration of Shannon Tweed’s
breasts.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
It’s like a dead heat in a zeppelin race!
CAMERON
She’s not his wife. And her ‘melons’ as you so
eloquently put them, are not nearly that big.
FOREMAN
(interested)
She’s not ‘with’ him?
CAMERON
I didn’t say that. She’s his partner, not his wife. They
have two children together, they just don’t believe
in marriage.
House is surprised and impressed with Cameron’s knowledge.
CHASE
Anyway, my point being, I think we can rule
out an anxiety disorder.
FOREMAN
Tox screen came back negative too.
All heads, excepting Cameron’s turn in surprise.
CHASE
No way!
HOUSE
That dog!
FOREMAN
Hey, I said the same thing, so I had the lab run
it twice. The man is clean.
CHASE
Who took the blood?
FOREMAN
No kidding. Maybe he switched-
HOUSE
I did. There was no switch.
House takes another bite of cake.
CAMERON
He doesn’t do drugs. Never did. Well, once,
by mistake he was duped into eating some hash
brownies.
Cameron yawns and stretches, arms in the air, chest out. House practically chokes on his
cake.
FOREMAN
(to Cameron)
How do you know all this stuff?
Cameron stands up and crosses frame to get a cup of coffee. House’s gaze follows her.
CAMERON
It’s called ‘Google’. You should try it sometime.
(to House)
What’s with you, anyway?
HOUSE
There’s nothing ‘with’ me. Why don’t we
try something novel, and talk about the patient?
FOREMAN
Pancreatitis can sometimes cause respiratory
distress.
HOUSE
There’s no abdominal pain, and no periumbilical
bruising.
CAMERON
And no alcoholism.
HOUSE
How is his glucose?
CHASE
Well below 500. No sign of hyperglycemia.
(beat)
What about COPD?
CAMERON
No history. No workplace irritants.
FOREMAN
Yeah, it’s not like he’s been inhaling cigarette
smoke in clubs his whole life. Even if he never
smoked himself, breathing in second hand smoke
from hundreds of other people has got to have some
sort of effect.
CAMERON
Like cancer?
FOREMAN
Like cancer, like COPD, like emphysema.
HOUSE
I don’t think so, but do a lung CT, just to be safe.
The team sits for a moment, thinking on other causes.
CHASE
What about Muscular Distrophy? Duchenne’s
commonly affects lung function.
FOREMAN
Yeah, in five year olds. It’s not an adult onset disease.
CAMERON
It could be Becker’s.
FOREMAN
That still has a childhood onset. These symptoms
just occurred in the last few days.
HOUSE
Or so he says. Maybe he’s been covering up these
symptoms for a long time.
CHASE
You can’t fake not having MD. Especially someone
in the public eye.
HOUSE
Yeah. You can’t fake not having Parkinson’s either,
Oh wait … Unless you’re Micheal J. Fox.
Do a muscle biopsy.
CUT TO:
INT. WILSON’S OFFICE-DAY
Wilson is working intently at the computer, but quickly turns off the monitor when House barges in.
HOUSE
Where the hell does Cuddy get-
(beat)
What were you doing?
WILSON
Cuddy? What did she slap your wrists
for this time?
HOUSE
Nothing. What were you doing?
WILSON
I…working. I mean, … what was that
about Cuddy?
HOUSE
You were looking at porn, weren’t you?
WILSON
No! I … No!
HOUSE
Ha! You were too!
(beat)
Good porn? Or like … well, there’s no
bad porn, just … well, I once saw this site that
featured a man and a …chicken!
WILSON
I was not looking at porn! And I was definitely
not looking at poultry porn! That’s disgusting!
HOUSE
No guff! Imagine how gross it was for
the chicken!
House squacks and flaps his arms wildly, and his cane falls to the floor. Wilson bends
over to retrieve it and House hauls Wilson out of his chair and sits down at the computer.
The screen comes to life.
INSERT: COMPUTER SCREEN. It is blank, aside from a small box in which to enter a
password. Wilson gets to his feet and laughs.
WILSON
Ha! It’s locked, you can’t get in.
HOUSE
(snorts)
Yeah, right. Two clinic hours says I
can get in, first try.
WILSON
All right, you’re on.
HOUSE
Okay. Birthdate.
House looks at Wilson, who tries to keep a poker face.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
No. Too obvious.
(beat)
Anniversary.
Wilson SIGHS.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Right. Too many to chose from.
(thinks)
Beloved childhood pet.
He begins to type on the keyboard.
INSERT: COMPUTER SCREEN, six *’s as House types in the code.
HOUSE (O.C.)
S-M-O-K-E-Y
The password is accepted. Wilson GROANS and covers his face.
WILSON
How could you possibly know that?
HOUSE
Because you’re predictable. You probably
use the same code on your bank card and
your house alarm too.
WILSON
That’s creepy. I feel so violated.
House’s eyes widen as he sees what Wilson had been looking at on the computer.
HOUSE
Oh my God! Did you … join an internet
dating service?
Wilson tries to wheel House’s chair away from the desk, but House hooks his cane over the back edge and holds tight.
WILSON
No. I didn’t. At least, not yet. I was
thinking of doing it.
HOUSE
Why?
WILSON
What do you mean, why? Because I’m
ready to start dating? Because I’d like to
share my life with someone? Because,
(beat)
I’m lonely.
HOUSE
You’re not lonely. You’ve got lots of friends.
WILSON’
No, no I don’t. I have you, and while it’s always
nice to have someone willing to lower the bar on
what constitutes an acceptable level of misery, I
want more. I want to be happy.
HOUSE
Happy? That’s a pretty lofty goal. Miserable
is much more attainable.
WILSON
Staying miserable won’t make me a better
friend to you, it will just make me …miserable.
Regardless, I’m going to write an ad, and I’d
appreciate your help.
HOUSE
(beat)
Fine.
WILSON
Okay, I was thinking something along the lines
of this: Thirty-eight year old doctor-
HOUSE
STOP!
WILSON
What? I’m supposed to lie about my age?
HOUSE
No, you’re supposed to lie about being a doctor.
You can’t say you’re an M.D. in your personal ad.
You may as well offer a lifetime of free botox and
boob jobs. You’ve got to play it cool. You don’t
want to over-play or underplay who you are.
WILSON
Brilliant. So I should try to appear like
every other guy out there.
HOUSE
Like everyone else, just … less weird.
House stares for a moment at Wilson.
WILSON
What?
HOUSE
I’m just trying to figure out why you need
a woman in your life to make you happy.
You have to love yourself before you can
truly love another.
WILSON
Thank you, Dr. Phil. You know, it would be
a lot more convincing, coming from someone
who wasn’t a misogynist.
HOUSE
I don’t hate women. I love women. It’s people
I can’t stand. I’m not a misogynist, I’m
a … peopogynist? Peopleogynist?
WILSON
An ass?
HOUSE
So, what type of woman are you looking for?
(thinks)
You are looking for a woman, right? Or did
you finally realize that you could double your
chances of filling your dance card if you didn’t
discriminate according to gender? Very smart!
Wilson rolls his eyes.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
I’d consider it myself, if it weren’t for that
pesky penis problem. You know, square peg,
round hole, and all that.
(beat)
Well, technically, two square pegs.
WILSON
No. Sadly, you’ve turned me off of men for good.
They share a look, both trying to not act amused.
WILSON
So, the ad.
‘Doctor’ is sort of how I define myself. How
would you describe me?
HOUSE
Desperate? Needy?
WILSON
No, I mean physically.
HOUSE
Ardorkable?
(beat)
Well, I guess you’re sort of pretty, in a ‘cell-block’
sort of way.
Wilson sucks in his gut.
WILSON
Would you describe me as fit?
HOUSE
Would you describe me as clean shaven?
WILSON
Okay, enough with the abuse. If I didn’t
know you were incapable of human
emotion, I’d say you were jealous.
HOUSE
Ha! Jealous? Jealous of
(reads ad)
‘Corpulent Divorcee Gambler?’ or maybe
‘Fifty Years Young, looking for cabaña boy
to spoil.’
(thinks)
Actually, that one’s got potential.
WILSON
How about this one?
House’s pager begins to beep. House takes it from his pocket and checks it.
HOUSE
Hmm…another one of Gene Simmon’s
tests have come back. I need to check the
results.
WILSON
Gene. Simmons. Like, Gene Simmons
from KISS? Or like, Gene Simmons, just
some wrinkly octogenarian banker who just
happen to have the same name as Gene Simmons
from KISS?
HOUSE
Probably the second one.
WILSON
Oh my God! Oh my God, oh my God!
Tell me that Gene Simmons is NOT your
patient!
HOUSE
Okay. Gene Simm—
WILSON
Can I meet him? I’m a huge fan, would
you introduce me?
HOUSE
I don’t think so.
WILSON
What do you mean?
HOUSE
He’s sick. We don’t know what’s wrong
with him. He has a right to privacy. And you’ll
embarrass me with your fangirling.
WILSON
I won’t! I promise. You call me in for a consult
and I’ll be a consummate professional.
HOUSE
Fine. If I think he has cancer, I’ll call you for a consult.
WILSON
(excited)
You think he has cancer?
HOUSE
No.
WILSON
Damn.
HOUSE
But if I do, you’ll be the first person to know.
WILSON
Oh, come on! I want to meet him.
He’s got like … a ten inch tongue!
HOUSE
I know!
WILSON
You’ve seen it?
HOUSE
Yeah, and it’s wicked!
House sticks out his tongue and waggles it, then abruptly stops. Wilson twigs that he’s on to something.
WILSON
What is it?
HOUSE
It’s not muscular dystrophy. I have to go look something
up.
He abruptly leaves.
CUT TO:
INT. GENE SIMMON’S ROOM – DAY
Gene is on the bed, with Shannon holding his hand. Cameron is looking at his chart,
Chase has cleaned and swabbed Gene’s leg in preparation for the biopsy. Foreman is
assisting. As Chase injects the anesthetic, Gene winces.
CHASE
I know, sorry, it stings a bit.
GENE
I’m fine.
CHASE
We’ll just give this a minute to take effect, and
then we’ll get on with the procedure. It doesn’t
take long, and other than some slight bruising
and discomfort at the site, there are few side effects.
Wilson enters the room.
WILSON
Sorry to interrupt, but have you seen House?
CAMERON
Yeah, we were just upstairs with him. And come
to think of it, wasn’t he just in your office?
WILSON
Yeah … I, uh…thought he’d be. I just needed to-
Wilson ‘notices’ Gene.
WILSON(Cont’d)
Look at me, how rude! I’m interrupting a
procedure, and I didn’t even introduce myself!
He extends a hand to Gene, who reluctantly takes it and shakes.
WILSON
I’m Dr. Wilson, head of Oncology here at Princeton P.
and you are…?
Gene is not fooled.
GENE
Gene.
WILSON
Very nice to meet you And who is this
beautiful, young woman? What is it about
rock stars and supermodels anyway? I’ll tell
you, I should have been practicing my guitar
instead of medicine!
Foreman and Chase make eye contact at his cheesy remark, but Shannon is flattered.
SHANNON
Oh, no. I’m not a supermodel.
WILSON
You’ve got to be kidding me! What a shame!
SHANNON
Well, I mean, I did do some modeling.
WILSON
Vogue? Cosmo?
CAMERON
Playboy.
WILSON
Playboy? Really?
CAMERON
Miss November, 1981.
Playmate of the year, 1982.
Everyone looks to Cameron, surprised.
CAMERON(Cont’d)
What? I read it for the articles.
WILSON
Dr. Chase, did you need me to … help?
CHASE
Gosh, that’s really nice of you to offer, but
I think we’ve got it under control here.
Wilson backs away to give them their space, but continues to gawk and grin at Gene and Shannon.
CHASE
There we go, can you feel this?
Chase scratches his gloved finger over the area on Gene’s leg.
GENE
(playing along)
Feel what?
CHASE
Perfect.
Chase picks up the large needle for aspiration. Cameron looks up from the charts to
watch him.
CHASE(Cont’d)
Alrighty, you might feel a pinch or tugging but it
won’t last long.
Chase does what he has to do, and other than a brave grunt from Gene, the procedure
goes well. House rushes into the room.
HOUSE
Cancel the biopsy!
(to Wilson)
What are you doing here?
CHASE
Impeccable timing.
WILSON
I was just leaving.
CAMERON
Why don’t you need the biopsy?
GENE
What’s going on?
HOUSE
It’s not Muscular Dystrophy. It’s Shy-Drager
Syndrome.
CAMERON
That would explain the late onset.
GENE
What the hell is Shy-Drager?
CHASE
It’s a variant of Multiple System Atrophy. A nasty
one. It totally explains the postural hypotension.
Gene looks to House, confused.
HOUSE
Blackouts. Low blood pressure when standing.
GENE
So, is this good news? Or bad news?
House hesitates, weighing his words.
HOUSE
Well, the good news is, Big Gene will
continue to be the front man for KISS.
House looks to Gene’s crotch.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
The bad news is, you can pretty much
kiss little Gene goodbye.
There are a few audible gasps of disbelief.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Complete and irreversible impotence.
CLOSE: on Gene’s silent look of horror.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOSPITAL – DAY
It is a warm afternoon outside the hospital. Birds are chirping, and an empty bench sits in
dappled sunlight beneath leafy elm tree. Suddenly the silence is shattered by a LOUD
SCREAM from within the hospital.
GENE(O.C.)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
The frightened birds take flight into the afternoon sky.
CUT TO:
INT. GENE’S ROOM- DAY
Gene and Shannon grip each other in terror. Gene sputters and gasps for air, sweat running freely down his face.
HOUSE
Relax. It’s not Shy-Drager.
GENE
What?? But you … you just …
House takes a hand and wipes it across Gene’s damp forehead.
HOUSE
Sweat. If you really had Shy-Drager, you
wouldn’t be able to.
(beat)
Well, I guess it’s back to the drawing-
He takes a closer look at Gene.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Hold the phone …
House examines along Gene’s hairline and down his jaw. We can see red lesions on Gene’s face and neck.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
How long have you had these?
House looks to his team.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
This changes everything. To the Bat Cave!
(to Wilson)
And you- OUT!
WILSON
(as he’s being dragged out)
It was very nice meeting you both!
Gene is still recovering from the shocking revelations. Shannon waves gaily at Wilson.
SHANNON
He’s cute! I like him.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR – DAY
FOREMAN
What the hell was that?
HOUSE
What do you mean? I was looking for
a conditioned response. And I found it.
FOREMAN
Yeah, and you practically gave the man
a heart attack in the process.
HOUSE
Wow. Lucky thing there were five doctors
in the room.
Wilson tries to sneak down a side hall, but House grabs him by his lab coat.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Speaking of which … since when were you
part of my diagnostic team?
Wilson struggles free from his grip.
WILSON
Since I wanted to meet Gene Simmons and you
refused to introduce me. Cumon! I was part
of the KISS Army!
HOUSE
KISS Army? Or KISS-ASS army?
WILSON
Can’t it be both?
House sighs and leans against the wall.
HOUSE
I feel like crap. I’m going home.
House turns and begins to leave.
WILSON
Hey, what about my ad?
HOUSE
I finished it already. Don’t worry, I made you
look good.
WILSON
Oh great. This should be interesting.
HOUSE
I’m sure the replies will be pouring in!
He laughs to himself as he exits.
CUT TO:
INT – HOUSE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
House sits at the computer with a wry smile. He begins to type.
HOUSE
S. M. O. K. E. Y.
He rolls his eyes.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Of course you haven’t bothered to change
it yet.
House scrolls through the pages.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Not one reply? How can that be?
(beat)
Let’s fix that.
House begins to type.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
(in a woman’s voice)
Dear James, I saw your profile this evening,
and I just had to write and tell you that I think
you’re really cute! I’m a petite, perky, energetic
female, and I like to do all of the things that you
said you like to do, plus lots more!
Like … like …
House stops to think.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
(in his own voice)
Oh crap. Like what?
He drums the keyboard idly for a moment, then is struck by inspiration. He slides his
chair over to the bookcase and digs around. After a beat, he emerges with a small stack
of girly magazines. He thumbs through a couple (stopping to admire a particularly eye
catching page) then finds what he is looking for and rolls back to the desk.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
…like puppies, long walks in the moonlight, and Indian
food. If you’d like to get together, please reply ASAP.
House presses ENTER and leans back in his chair, satisfied.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Thank you, Miss …
He checks the magazine.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
August.
There is a strange NOISE in another room, and House sits up, listening. The NOISE
repeats and House gets up and cautiously begins to investigate. After walking through
the kitchen and hallway he comes to his bedroom and sees a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
poised in the doorway. House looks confused.
HOUSE
I must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
FANTASY GIRL
You’re Gregory House.
HOUSE
You’re a strange, beautiful woman in my house.
Are you my ‘buy two, get one free?”
FANTASY GIRL
No. I’m here because I don’t like what you
wrote about me.
HOUSE
What I wrote? What did I write?
FANTASY GIRL
Petite, energetic, perky female. And that crap
about puppies, Indian food and long walks in the
moonlight.
(beat)
Actually, I do like Indian food, but I’m
really more of a cat person.
HOUSE
You’re not real.
FANTASY GIRL
What are you talking about? I’m your dream girl.
HOUSE
No. You’re Wilson’s dream girl.
House searches his pockets for his pills and begins to panic when he cannot find them.
The Woman reaches into her cleavage and pulls out a bottle of Vicodin.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
(impressed)
Oh yeah, you are my fantasy girl.
House reaches for the pills, but she pulls them away.
FANTASY GIRL
Uh uh, I need a re-write first. You’ve made me
much too shallow.
HOUSE
Well, technically, you are shallow. You’re’
a figment of my imagination, and I’m a doctor,
I don’t have an imagination.
He waits a beat, then with a nod of his head, leads her back to the living room to the
computer. She follows.
FANTASY GIRL
Is Wilson this shallow?
HOUSE
Why don’t you go to his house and ask him?
FANTASY GIRL
I’m asking you. Do you think he’s shallow?
They sit, side by side at the computer and House begins to type.
HOUSE
No. More like, goal oriented. And a lot of
‘personality’ on your part might get in the way
of his … quest.
FANTASY GIRL
Charming.
HOUSE
Okay, we’re in. The floor is yours.
FANTASY GIRL
Alright. Educated, exacting, extremely bright,
professional, loner. Enjoys day-time dramas and
night-time poker games. Hates authority and
sycophants. Seeks same.
HOUSE
Gee, that sounds oddly familiar.
FANTASY GIRL
Anyone you know?
HOUSE
You’re not a fantasy. You’re me, but with ‘hammers.’
The Woman unzips her blouse.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Really nice ‘hammers.’
They both stare at each other for a moment, then lean in for a kiss, but being essentially
the same person, they both angle their heads the same way and bump noses. They draw
back, surprised. House and the Woman try to kiss again, at a different angle, but the
same thing happens. They both laugh, then Fantasy Girl takes House’s face in her hands
and this time, when she leans in to kiss him, she angles his face in the opposite direction.
They kiss for a moment, then House stops.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
You wouldn’t happen to have ‘hammers’ AND a
square peg, would you?
FANTASY GIRL
No. I’m more the ‘round hole’ type.
HOUSE
Oh…mommy!
CUT TO:
HOUSE’S BEDROOM-DAY
House is in bed sleeping, with a big smile on his face. He stretches and we see the other
side of the bed, which is empty and not rumpled. House pats the empty side and smiles
again, remembering the previous evening.
HOUSE
(mumbles)
Fantasy Girl.
House runs his hand up his abdomen, to his chest, then holds it up as if it were a sock
puppet.
HOUSE(as puppet)
You were amazing last night!
HOUSE(as himself)
You were pretty incredible yourself!
House turns his hand puppet away, as if it were coy.
HOUSE (as puppet)
Aww, shucks!
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
House enters the building, smiling and whistling. The foyer is busy, and House nods to a
pretty woman, who smiles at him as he passes her. He then nods at another one, who also
smiles. House waits at the elevator, and sneaks perplexed glances at the unusual number
of attractive women who are also waiting. When the bell dings and the door opens,
House enters the elevator, along with the bevy of cute women. When he turns to face
forward, he realizes that he is, in effect, trapped by a plethora of cleavage. House smiles
at his good fortune. Just as the doors are about to close, he hear an orderly shout;
ORDERLY
Hold the elevator!
The door is held, and the orderly pushes in a gurney. All of the women shuffle to make
room, and House now has three women pushed right up against him. His smile becomes
a look of alarm as the proximity of these women begin to affect him physically. He tries
to turn sideways, to get one woman’s cleavage out of his face, but is assaulted by an even
larger pair of breasts. He begins to sweat. He looks to a beautiful brunette standing near
the floor buttons.
BRUNETTE
Going up?
House blushes and nods at the double entendre.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE’S BOARDROOM – DAY
House is again sting at the whiteboard eating cake, but today the board is blank. The
team enters.
HOUSE
I have four possibilities.
FOREMAN
Well, what are they?
HOUSE
I’d like to hear yours first.
The team is silent.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Okay, then let’s review the symptoms.
CAMERON
Respiratory distress.
House writes down her answer, and continues to write as the others talk.
CHASE
Tachycardia.
CAMERON
Skin lesions.
HOUSE
Where?
CAMERON
Facial, oral, nasal. Sort of all over.
HOUSE
Genital?
CAMERON
I don’t know.
HOUSE
Oh, come on! You must have peeked! Don’t
tell me that you’re not just a little bit curious.
CAMERON
W-what? No!
HOUSE
Long tongued rock and roll star like that? You
must harbour some fantasies?
CAMERON
He’s old enough to be my father.
HOUSE
And my father’s old enough to be your grandfather.
House waggles his eyebrows at Cameron. Chase is confused. Foreman is impatient.
FOREMAN
Postural hypotension.
HOUSE
Good, go on.
FOREMAN
Muscle weakness.
CAMERON
And stiffness.
CHASE
The muscle biopsy showed nothing.
HOUSE
I told you not to do it.
CHASE
Yeah, well, I had already taken my pound
of flesh, I figured I might as well test it.
HOUSE
That’s my boy!
House backs up and assesses what he’s written.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
So … what do these all add up to?
CAMERON
Behcet’s Disease?
HOUSE
Good. Do a pathergy.
CHASE
Diptheria?
FOREMAN
Diptheria’s usually respiratory OR cutaneous,
not both.
HOUSE
Usually. Pish!
FOREMAN
Melioidosis is more likely.
HOUSE
Oh, yes! I like that one! Aerobic bacterium.
CHASE
Plague?
House puts a hand to his chin and thinks.
HOUSE
Hmm… You know, I took the history myself,
and I can’t quite remember if I asked about a
time machine or not. You’d think it would be
a standard question on the form.
CHASE
Plague doesn’t have to be Bubonic. It could be
pneumonic, or septicemic.
HOUSE
Or locusts.
CAMERON
It’s rare, but there have been cases of Bubonic
Plague well into this century.
FOREMAN
Yeah, but not in middle aged rock stars! It’s
much more likely to be Melioidosis.
CAMERON
Not necessarily! They’re both rare, but they’re
both possible.
House puts down his cake. He is getting glassy eyed again, watching Foreman and
Cameron’s heated argument.
HOUSE
I don’t suppose the two of you would like to
leg wrestle to determine who’s right?
They stop arguing and look at him.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Best two out of three?
CAMERON
Or, we could be slightly more scientific
and run some tests.
CHASE
Y. Pestis cultures grow too slowly. He’s already
declining, there’s no way we could hold off treatment
until we find out for sure.
CAMERON
We could do a fluorescent anti-body test.
FOREMAN
I’m telling you, you’re looking for the wrong
bacterium!
HOUSE
Lucky for us, both diseases take the same treatment.
Put him on doxy. And do the anti-body test. Let’s
rule out everything that we can.
CUT TO:
INT- HOUSE’S APARTMENT, NIGHT
House walks in and tosses his jacket and helmet down and heads to the bedroom. Fantasy Girl is again, waiting for him in the doorway.
HOUSE
We have to stop meeting like this.
FANTASY GIRL
We’ve got more work to do.
HOUSE
What do you mean? Last night was fun,
don’t you think?
FANTASY GIRL
Sure, but it could never last. Two wrongs
don’t make a right. Two Houses would
be constantly battling for dominance, and
eventually destroy each other. You need to
apply an “opposites attract”approach.
A ‘ying’ to your ‘yang’ if you will.
HOUSE
I thought my ying-yang did a pretty good job
last night.
Fantasy Girl motions to the computer and House follows.
FANTASY GIRL
I guarantee it will be even better tonight.
House sits down at the keyboard and Fantasy Girl kneads his shoulders while he types.
FANTASY GIRL(Cont’d)
I think you need someone with personality
traits that are complimentary not contrary to
yours. You still want someone intelligent,
witty and self-sufficient, but you need someone
who is patient, who can nurture and who can
stand back and let you be you.
HOUSE
Oh yes, the ‘wind beneath my wings.’
FANTASY GIRL
(laughs)
Well, sort of. More someone who is secure
enough in who they are that they don’t lose
themselves in your strong presence.
(beat)
A friend.
HOUSE
A best friend with benefits?
FANTASY GIRL
Like … hammers?
HOUSE
I’d definitely consider hammers to be
a benefit.
They kiss, with Fantasy Girl ‘submitting’ to House. No nose bumping or fighting for
dominance this time.
CUT TO:
HOUSE’S BEDROOM-DAY
House wakes up smiling again. He stretches and his hand touches someone on the other
side of the bed. He looks over at the lump and grins. The lump rolls over and it is
Wilson, who smiles sleepily at House.
WILSON
Hey, best friend.
BEAT
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE’S BEDROOM -DAY
House jerks awake, sweaty and terrified, but much to his relief, alone.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ENTRANCE – DAY
House enters the hospital, looking decidedly more miserable than he did the day before.
He makes eye contact with no one, and is relieved when there is no one else waiting for
the elevators. The doors open and he suddenly halts. The elevator is full of young,
attractive men. They shuffle to make room for him.
CUTE GUY
It’s a little tight, but I think you’ll fit just fine!
They jostle each other to move over.
CUT GUY
Going down?
HOUSE
(too loudly)
I’ll wait!
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR – DAY
House is walking past Gene’s room, but stops when he hears Wilson’s voice.
CUT TO:
INT. GENE’S ROOM – DAY
Wilson is laughing and chatting it up with Gene and Shannon. Wilson is sitting on the
side of the bed, and Shannon is showing him pictures.
GENE
Oh yeah, up in the Whiteshell, we always
catch the best walleye. They’re not the
biggest, but the taste is spectacular.
The fish practically jump into your boat.
Shannon shows Wilson a picture of Gene holding some fish beside a spunky looking terrier.
WILSON
That’s a beautiful animal. What kind of
breed?
Shannon laughs and dabs at her eyes.
GENE
Thank was Spencer. He was a Border Terrier.
SHANNON
We had to put him down last month, poor guy.
WILSON
Oh, I’m sorry.
Shannon is lost for a moment, remembering her dog, then perks up.
SHANNON
You should come up some time, Dr. Wilson.
You’d love it there. The water is as smooth as
glass, and the sound of the loons in the morning?
WILSON
Oh, I don’t know, I’m not much of a sportsman.
House enters.
HOUSE
What do you mean? You were just
telling me the other day, that there were
plenty of fish in the sea, weren’t you, Jimmy?
Wilson shoots House a withering look. Unbeknownst to the others, Genes breathing
becomes more labored.
SHANNON
Oh my goodness, are you single? But you’re
so cute!
She all but pinches Wilson’s cheeks and he blushes furiously.
SHANNON(Cont’d)
Look at him, he’s a dreamboat!
House has died and gone to heaven.
HOUSE
Dreamboat? There’s something you didn’t
mention in your ad.
Gene continues to decline, but the others are too caught up to notice.
WILSON
(faking)
Is that my pager? It’s probably an emergency.
Gene’s monitors start beeping as he crashes.
HOUSE
That’s no pager.
(shouts)
Nurse! We need a crash cart in here!
Wilson fumbles for his stethoscope while House moves the monitors out of the way. The
NURSE arrives with the crash cart and House looks to Wilson.
WILSON
No pulse. Paddle me.
House powers up the paddles and tosses them to Wilson, who in turn, hands over his
stethoscope to House. When the paddles are charged, he presses them to Gene’s chest.
He sends off the charge, and Gene’s body bounces on the table. House listens intently,
then shakes his head.
HOUSE
Nope. Do it again.
Wilson defibs Gene again. Nothing.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Higher. Take it to 360.
The nurse hesitates, then cranks the dial considerably higher and we hear the high pitched
whine as it re-charges.
WILSON
Clear.
They shock Gene again, but to no avail.
HOUSE
500.
NURSE
That’s too high.
HOUSE
Do it.
NURSE
I can’t, it’s too high.
HOUSE
What the hell is your problem?
NURSE
I can’t! The machine doesn’t go that high!
HOUSE
THEN GET ANOTHER DAMN MACHINE!
House reaches into a drawer and pulls out a large needle, which he plunges into Genes
chest and depresses the medicine. A beat, then Gene jerks back to life, flailing wildly.
Wilson looks to the monitor.
WILSON
He’s back, but he’s still in defib. He’s got
no regular sinus rhythm.
HOUSE
Shock him again.
WILSON
You just got him started, this might
stop him.
House makes eye contact with Wilson and gives him a calm nod. Wilson centers himself
and nods back. Wilson puts the paddles on Gene’s chest.
HOUSE
Whoa, whoa wait!
House turns the dial down to an acceptable level.
HOUSE
Okay.
Wilson presses the paddles to Gene’s chest and gives him a final shock. Gene’s heart
spasms, then settles into a normal rhythm. House and Wilson breathe a collective sigh of
relief. Shannon rushes over and runs her hands over her partner.
SHANNON
Oh Gene! Oh thank God!
She turns to Wilson, tears in her eyes.
SHANNON(Cont’d)
Thank you Doctor Wilson, you saved his life.
Wilson grins self-consciously. House rolls his eyes.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE’S BOARDROOM – NIGHT
House is again sitting on the table, eating cake and looking at a blank white board. The team sits behind him.
CHASE
I’m telling you it’s Diphtheria.
HOUSE
I’m telling you it’s not.
CHASE
The fever, the lesions and the chest x-ray
all point to it.
HOUSE
The blatant lack of adherent membrane on his
tonsils and pharynx all point to no. Not to mention
the fact that he didn’t respond to Doxy.
CAMERON
Maybe he wasn’t on it long enough, or maybe
it’s a resistant strain.
HOUSE
Who’s side are you on anyway?
CAMERON
The patient’s.
CHASE
We should at least try the Diphtheria anti-toxin.
FOREMAN
That’s only available through the CDC. He
might die of old age first.
CHASE
Or another macrolide antibiotic.
CAMERON
What about sickle cell anemia?
FOREMAN
He’s not black.
HOUSE
Why is it always about race with you? What if he
is black?
FOREMAN
But he’s not.
CAMERON
It’s not an exclusively black disease.
CHASE
Yeah, but it usually manifests in childhood.
FOREMAN
And there’s no jaundice.
HOUSE
What if the lesions were an allergic reaction?
FOREMAN
But they’re not.
HOUSE
You really don’t get how to play this game,
do you?
CAMERON
Do you think he was allergic to the Doxicycline?
HOUSE
Then we’d be back at square peg. I mean square one.
CAMERON
Maybe it’s Lupus.
Everyone snickers.
CAMERON(Cont’d)
Well, someone had to say it.
HOUSE
I’m going home.
House gets off the table and puts down the finally empty plate.
CHASE
But what about Gene?
HOUSE
Fine. Put him on erythromycin. And
since you’re so gung-ho on doing it, you
get the honour of watching him all night.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
An old black and white movie is playing on the television. House limps over to the
couch, a pizza box in his hand. He puts it down on the coffee table with a tired sigh. He
looks over to the computer, contemplating. He drums his fingers against the pizza box,
then decides to stay put. We can now see that Old Yeller is playing on the tv..
House opens the pizza box, and we see that it is loaded with veggies, primarily
mushrooms.
HOUSE
Oh crap, mushrooms.
He takes a piece anyway, and leans back on the couch, putting his feet up on the coffee
table. We hear a gunshot, as the boy shoots Old Yeller. House sits up, suddenly struck
with an epiphany.
HOUSE
Mushrooms.
CUT TO:
INT. GENE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Chase answers his cell phone. It is House.
INTERCUT SCENE BETWEEN HOUSE AND CHASE
HOUSE
It’s not a bacteria. It’s not a virus. It’s
a fungus!
CHASE
A fungus?
HOUSE
He picked it upon a trip to the Whiteshell.
His dog caught it too, but they probably wrote
that off to a bad case of Bordertella.
CHASE
Kennel cough?
HOUSE
But it wasn’t. It was a sneaky little
fungus that likes to hide in the ground
until someone, or, in this case, someone’s
dog, comes along and digs it up. The fungus
becomes airborne, dog and owner breathe
it in, and the rest is history.
CHASE
Blastomychosis.
HOUSE
Bingo. It explains the increased serum
globulin levels.
CHASE
And his normochromic anemia.
HOUSE
Now, this is the tricky part. He needs
Amphotericin B, I.V., but it’s got to be
infused slowly, or it may cause circulatory
collapse. You’ve got to monitor his vitals
carefully. It’s not unusual for the temperature
to spike initially, but it should subside in one
or two hours.
CHASE
Check.
HOUSE
And monitor his blood for urea nitrogen and
creatinine levels. If he reacts badly to the
amphotericin, you’ll have to have anti-emetics
and anti-pyretics on hand. Watch him closely
for any signs of hearing loss, tinnitus—
CHASE
Yes, boss, I’m well aware of the signs of
hypokalemia. I’ll be sure to pay close attention.
HOUSE
Good.
House hangs up the phone and gives himself a mental pat on the back for finally figuring
out the diagnosis. He then looks warily at his computer.
INTERCUT BETWEEN SCENES:
CHASE hangs the I.V. and attaches it to Gene’s line. We see the medicine begin to drip.
HOUSE gets up, limps to the computer, stands beside it for a moment, then changes his
mind and walks away.
CHASE and Shannon make hopeful eye contact.
HOUSE comes back to the computer, and touches the keyboard tentatively, but does not
type anything.
WILSON appears at the glass door to Gene’s room. Shannon motions for him to come in.
HOUSE sits at the computer and begins to type. His hand hovers over the ‘Enter’ button.
CHASE checks Gene’s vital signs. So far so good.
HOUSE presses ‘Enter’, then lowers his head to the desk.
WILSON sits down beside Shannon. She is holding on to Gene with one hand, and
extends the other to Wilson. He hesitates slightly, then takes it. Shannon is grateful.
HOUSE’S head snaps up as we hear a KNOCK at the door. House gets up and
cautiously approaches the threshold, wary of who is on the other side. His hand hovers
over the doorknob, until he musters the courage to turn the knob. The door opens to
reveal STACY.
CHASE, WILSON and SHANNON are tired, and almost asleep. Gene’s hand twitches
and his eyes flutter open. Wilson notices and puts a hand on Shannon’s shoulder to wake
her. She sobs with relief and hugs Gene, who smiles weakly.
HOUSE and STACY stare at each other wordlessly. It is an emotional moment for both
of them, and neither is sure of what to do, or say. Their eyes lock as they decide what to
do next. They both lunge at the same time, for a fumbling, breathy, emotional kiss.
Stacy pushes House against the wall, as they frantically paw each other.
CUT TO:
INT. GENE’S ROOM – DAY
Gene is sitting up in bed, Shannon and her sister Tracy are at his bedside, laughing and talking. House enters the room. He does a double-take at the two beautiful blondes, then turns his attention to Gene.
HOUSE
Hey, how’re ya feeling?
GENE
Like crap.
(smiles)
Thank you.
HOUSE
Well, I do what I can.
Shannon jumps up.
SHANNON
Doctor Wilson!
House turns to see Wilson enter the room, smiling shyly.
WILSON
Hey, it’s good to see you up.
GENE
Thanks man. Shannon says you were
quite the hero.
HOUSE
Super-dreamboat-man, able to make girls
squeal in a single bound.
Shannon grabs her sister and drags her over to Wilson.
SHANNON
Doctor Wilson, I’d like you to meet
my sister Tracy. Tracy, this is Doctor
Wilson.
Shannon smiles and stares meaningfully at her sister in an unmistakable “this is the guy I was telling you about” way. Tracy squeals.
TRACY
Oh my goodness, it’s so nice to meet you.
Shannon’s been telling me about the wonderful
things you were doing to help Gene, and we’re
all so grateful.
Tracy shakes Wilson’s hand, and does not let go.
WILSON
Oh, well, you know …
They stare at each other mesmerized.
HOUSE
Say, Doctor Wilson, weren’t you just
on your way to the cafeteria?
Wilson and Tracy continue to stare.
WILSON
Yeah … I was.
House smiles.
HOUSE
Perhaps your new friend would like
to go with you.
WILSON
Yeah. I mean, yes! Erm … I was just going
to get something to drink, would you-
TRACY
I’d love to!
He offers Tracy his arm, and they exit the room.
TRACY(O.C)
So, a doctor, eh? Do you do botox?
House chuckles, then gives Gene the index-pinkie heavy-metal hand sign. Gene returns
it and gives a tired waggle of his trademarked tongue. House exits.
CUT TO:
INT. ELEVATOR LOBBY – DAY
House is waiting for the elevator. The doors open to reveal Cuddy. House enters and they stand, side by side, watching the floor numbers decline.
CUDDY
I hear your patients doing better.
HOUSE
That rumor-mill works fast.
CUDDY
How are you feeling?
House takes a deep breath to assess himself before he replies.
HOUSE
Incredibly …
(beat as he eyes her cleavage)
horny. Are you up for some Love in an Elevator?
CUDDY
Sorry. I had mine on the way up.
HOUSE
Come to think of it, I’ve been on
‘catching wood’ all week.
Cuddy tries to look innocent and fails.
HOUSE
You did this!
(beat)
You drugged my cake!
CUDDY
I surely don’t know what you’re talking about.
HOUSE
You put Viagra in that whole cake!
CUDDY
I did not!
(beat)
I only put it in your piece.
HOUSE
That’s insane! That’s unconscionable!
That’s … hilarious!
CUDDY
Parted your hair?
House makes the motion of a jet flying over his head. The doors open and House exits
the elevator, still chuckling to himself. Cuddy peers out after him.
CUDDY(Cont’d)
Where are you going?
HOUSE
I’m going back to bed.
House limps away.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOSPITAL – DAY
House leaves the hospital and walks to the parking lot towards his motorcycle. The camera pans back to reveal Stacy sitting on the bike. House smiles.
THE END!
This is a screenplay script for the show House, and the timeline would be approximately Season Three, right before he fired everybody.
Its rated G, because, duh, it was written for tv, but fear not, there are lots and lots of slashy over/undertones. Also, its written in script format, so although its a bit odd to read at first, its actually reads smoothly once you get started.
Title: Dream Girl
Rating G
Summary: Wilson is considering on-line dating, and House is having very odd dreams. Oh, and Gene Simmons is featured too!
OH, and just so's ya know...'beat' means a pause, not an actuall....um...drum beat. And I've been informed that Peter Criss would never be playing with KISS anymore. Point taken.
TEASER
FADE IN
CONCERT ARENA - DAY
The arena is packed with fans. Many have their faces painted black and white and it is an
excited party atmosphere. The stage has an impressive light show and is set up with the
usual accoutrements befitting a heavy metal concert; drum kit, guitars and massive
speakers. A huge lighted sign acts as the backdrop for the stage. In ten foot letters it
reads: KISS
The crowd begins to CHANT in unison.
CROWD
KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!
The cry grows in volume and urgency, and the crowd pumps their fists in the air, timed
with the chant.
CROWD
KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!
A ROADIE looks nervously at the crowd from behind a curtain, stage right. He looks to
the wings, but they are empty, save another ROADIE, who shrugs.
ROADIE #1 walks back stage, past Roadie #2, into a dim hallway and
down a flight of stairs. He passes a few more TECHNICIANS, goes down a long
corridor, turns a corner and then enters into a hallway where THREE MEMBERS OF
KISS, in full make up and costume are huddled together
outside of a closed door.
ROADIE #1
They’re going crazy out there. What do you
want me to do?
PETER CRISS bangs on the closed door.
PETER CRISS
Gene! Man, let’s go!
CUT TO:
INT- GENE SIMMONS’ DRESSING ROOM - DAY
Gene is in costume as well, but he is leaning against the door, preventing it from being
opened. He is breathing heavily and looks very afraid. The door banging resumes, and
wide eyed, Gene gasps in fear.
CUT TO:
ARENA - DAY
The crowd has whipped themselves into a frenzy, continuing to scream the band’s name.
CUT TO:
INT. GENE’S DRESSING ROOM – DAY
Gene’s panicked look, as he too, can hear the screaming. He tries to get control of
himself, but the world is swimming before his eyes.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE GENE’S DRESSING ROOM – DAY
The rest of the band is stymied. They exchange worried looks as Peter bangs on the door
again.
CUT TO:
INT. GENE’S DRESSING ROOM - DAY
Gene takes a few more laboured breaths, then collapses. We hear his band mates
shouting O.C.
FADE OUT
OPENING CREDITS
FADE IN
EXT. GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT- DAY
CUDDY parks her car in the lot. As she opens her door to exit the vehicle, she drops her
keys between the seats. She bends to retrieve them, and her car door shuts, just as
ANOTHER VEHICLE speeds by, narrowly missing where her open car door had been.
Cuddy retrieves her keys and exits her vehicle, unaware of the near-miss.
CUT TO:
EXT. GROCERY STORE- ROOF - DAY
TWO MEN struggle to erect a sign atop the roof. Cuddy walks beneath them, entering
the store.
CUT TO:
INT. GROCERY STORE -DAY
Cuddy walks along the isles of produce towards the bakery. An EMPLOYEE is mopping
a very wet floor.
CLOSE on Cuddy’s high heels as she walks past and off camera. A MAN enters the
shot and slips and falls on the wet floor.
CUT TO:
INT. BAKERY COUNTER - DAY
CUDDY
Hi, yes. I’m here to pick up my order.
She hands the BAKER a slip of paper.
BAKER
Hold on a sec, I’ll get it.
The Baker exits. We HEAR a loud CRASH O.C.
CUDDY
No! Are you all right?
(beat)
Oh God, is my order all right?
The Baker returns holding a LARGE BOX.
BAKER
Yes. No problem! Damn slippery floors.
The Baker places the box on the counter. Cuddy pays for the box, and when the Baker
Walks away, she takes a small vial from her purse and looks around suspiciously.
CUT TO:
EXT. GROCERY STORE – DAY
Cuddy exits the store.
CUT TO:
EXT. GROCERY STORE ROOF – DAY
The men are still struggling with the sign. Cuddy comes into view, and pauses, balancing
the box in one hand while searching her purse for her car keys.
ROOF MAN#1 trips and drops his end of the sign. ROOF MAN#2 loses his grip as well
and they cry out as the sign drops to the sidewalk below.
CUT TO:
EXT. GROCERY STORE, STREET LEVEL – DAY
Cuddy reacts to the falling sign.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL EXAMINING ROOM - DAY
HOUSE, CAMERON, CHASE and FOREMAN are studying a bed-ridden PATIENT.
House is holding a catheter bag, very full of urine, which is still attached to the Patient.
HOUSE
Polyurea. Possible causes?
FOREMAN
Diabetes seems the most obvious.
HOUSE
(makes a buzzer sound)
Sorry, you didn’t answer in the form of a question!
Any other takers?
House gesticulates with the over-full bag of urine.
CAMERON
What is … a UTI?
HOUSE
(buzzer sound)
Wrong! No bugs in his pee pee.
House shakes the bag of urine at Cameron and the Patient flinches.
HOUSE
Chase?
CHASE
Erm … How about Diabetes Insipidus? It
presents like a bacterial infection, but no
organisms are revealed in the tests.
HOUSE
Ding!
(beat)
Well, no, actually you’re wrong too, the MRI was
negative, but I’ll give you partial marks, because
DI is so much more interesting than boring old DM!
House continues to wave the catheter bag around and the patient is visibly uncomfortable.
HOUSE(cont’d)
Let’s try Interstitial Cystitis for 100, Alex. Generally
Autoimmune in nature, but judging by this funny
little ‘X’ on your abdomen,
INSERT: Close up of the patient’s abdomen where House has lifted his hospital gown to
reveal a small ‘X’ tattooed on his stomach
HOUSE(cont’d)
I’d say that you’ve just undergone radiation
therapy. Unless, of course, you just got out
of the Big House, and this is the latest rage
in prison tats?
(beat)
I didn’t think so. Do a Fluid Deprivation test
and measure blood levels of ADH. If the
results are positive, we’ll need a biopsy and
start the patient on Dimethyl Sulfoxide.
FOREMAN
What about TENS?
CAMERON
Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation?
HOUSE
Or Saccral, we’ll see.
(to patient)
Hey, do you wanna live to be 100, or just have
it feel that way? No smoking, caffeine, chocolate,
spices, citrus, acidic foods or artificial sweeteners.
House spies an opened box of chocolates on the patient’s bed-side table. He picks them
up and begins to eat them.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
It would probably be safer if I just
confiscated these.
PATIENT
What can I have?
HOUSE
(thinks)
A nap?
House hands the now even fuller catheter bag to the patient and walks away.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Quack quack, I have a very important
two o’clock meeting.
House looks up at the patient’s television set, which is shut off.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Or did you pay for cable?
House sits down on the ‘guest’ chair in the patients room, (still eating the chocolates) and
grabs the remote. Everyone’s pagers begin to BEEP simultaneously. As all four doctors
reach to retrieve their beepers, we see WILSON run by the room, then skid to a stop at
the door. He appears distraught.
WILSON
It’s Cuddy. There’s been some sort of
accident. The ambulance is on its way.
He runs off, and the team springs into action, running from the room. The patient is left
holding his own urine bag.
PATIENT
(meekly)
Hello?
CUT TO:
INT. E.R.-DAY
House, Wilson and team rush out of the elevator as the attending E.R. doctor meets them.
E.R. DOC
Head and neck trauma, possible cervical damage.
They’ve intubated, and had to resuscitate en route.
He shakes his head. Everyone waits silently for the ambulance to arrive. The mood is
tense.
NURSE
They’re here!
The doors bust open and 3 EMT’s rush in, pushing a stretcher with a blanket covered
body. Their faces are grim, it would appear that Cuddy is dead. A beat, House’s shocked
reaction, then he rushes to the stretcher. Before he reaches it, the body on the stretcher
sits up and throws off the blanket. Cuddy is healthy and smiling, holding the box from
the bakery.
EVERYONE
(shouting)
SURPRISE!
Cuddy opens the box.
INSERT: A sheet cake in the shape of a house, saying, “Happy Birthday House.”
Everyone cheers and claps.
CUT TO:
INT. E.R.- DAY
The cake is cut up, drinks are passed around and people are milling about, chatting.
House passes his paper cup under his nose, and frowns. It is not alcoholic.
Small groups of people are talking and laughing. House stands alone, observing.
Cuddy approaches him and hands him a huge piece of cake..
HOUSE
Good Lord, does that come with a side of insulin?
CUDDY
Tradition, my dear. The birthday boy always gets
to eat his own name.
She hands him a fork and there is a comfortable silence while he takes a bite.
CUDDY(Cont’d)
Admit it, House. I got you this time!
HOUSE
Yup, you got me.
CUDDY
You had no idea!
HOUSE
Parted my hair.
CUDDY
You should have seen your face when I threw
off that blanket!
She slaps him playfully.
CUDDY(Cont’d)
I think you were actually concerned!
House eyes Cuddy’s cleavage.
HOUSE
Well sure! I was worried about the ‘girls’. Blunt
force trauma can cause serious silicone leaks.
Cuddy slaps him less playfully.
CUDDY
They are not silicone!
HOUSE
Sorry. Saline.
Cuddy stares at House for a moment, trying to read him. House notices and is
uncomfortable.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
I should get back upstairs. It’s getting late.
The streetlights are on, and mommy’s probably
getting worried.
House hands Cuddy the large slab of cake and begins to walk away.
CUDDY
But you’ve barely had any cake!
HOUSE
(while exiting)
Send it up.
CUT TO:
INT. CORRIDOR - ELEVATOR
House is waiting, pushing the button impatiently. Cuddy runs up to him.
CUDDY
House, hold up. We just got a call
about a multi-vehicle accident. We’ve
got eleven victims en route.
(beat)
We could really use you down here.
HOUSE
Do I get to poke people with stuff?
CUDDY
Probably.
HOUSE
Well … okay. But only if I get to use
sharp things.
CUT TO:
E.R.-INT-DAY
The major rush of patients has come to an end. House strips off his latex gloves as he
sends his last patient off for tests.
HOUSE
She’ll need a pelvic X-ray, and I want
Silverman to look at that leg. And put her
on anti-coagulants. Heparin, 600 units, I.V. bolus
then start a drip at 1100 units per hour.
House scrubs at his eyes as the patient is wheeled out, then takes his cane and begins to
exit. He stops, as his eye falls on a peculiar sight. In the next bay, lies Gene Simmons
from KISS, in full make-up and costume, reclined on a stretcher. He is having trouble
breathing . A nurse is taking his vital signs and hooking him up to an I.V. House
approaches Gene.
HOUSE
Hmm. I didn’t know Cirque du Soleil
was in town. I just loved ‘La Nuba.’
GENE
(with difficulty)
Ha. Ha. That’s so funny I forgot to breathe.
Tell ya what, Doc, get this elephant off my
chest and I’ll set you up with back stage passes
for the rest of your life.
HOUSE
(to nurse)
What’s his story?
NURSE
His heart rate is elevated, and he’s got some
obvious respiratory distress, but for the moment,
he seems stable.
HOUSE
Who’s his doctor?
NURSE
He hasn’t seen one. It’s been so crazy
around here that no one has had a chance
to examine him yet.
House extends his hand to Gene.
HOUSE
Mr. Simmons, it’s nice to meet you. I’m
Doctor House and I’ll be your physician.
GENE
You’ve just made me a happy man.
HOUSE
Great. Now let’s see if we can make you
a healthy one. Nurse, I’ll need a 12 lead ECG,
a chest x-ray and run a complete tox screen.
(beat)
And some Noxzema! I keep waiting for him to
walk against the wind or get stuck in an invisible
box.
House mimes for Gene.
GENE
A tox screen? You mean, for drugs?
HOUSE
Drugs, booze, solvents. What ever it is that
you crazy kids are into now-a-days.
GENE
You can save your time and money on that test,
I don’t do any of that crap. I never did.
House snorts and looks around.
HOUSE
Right.
(beat)
Okay, am I being Punk’d?
What about sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, the
three staples of the rock star lifestyle?
GENE
I’m just here for the first one.
HOUSE
And rock and roll?
GENE
That’s just another way to get the first one.
HOUSE
But, no drugs.
GENE
No drugs. They get in the way.
I need to be at my best for every
performance.
(beat)
And I’m not talking on-stage, if you know
what I mean.
They share a lewd chuckle.
HOUSE
You’ll forgive me if I order the tox-screen
anyway.
GENE
Fill your boots.
Shannon Tweed runs into the room, to Gene’s bed and hugs and kisses him. She pulls back and is dismayed by the tubes and monitors attached to Gene.
SHANNON
Oh Baby! Oh God, are you all right?
I came as soon as I could. What happened?
What’s wrong?
GENE
I’m okay, hon. Don’t worry. They’re
doing some tests.
SHANNON
Is it your heart?
GENE
No. At least, I don’t think so. Shannon,
this is Doctor House.
Shannon looks up at House. She takes in his rumpled appearance and is not impressed. House, on the other hand, is completely taken aback at her good looks.
SHANNON
Doctor? Really?
House grins and nods, dumbly.
SHANNON(Cont’d)
Exactly what kind of tests are you doing?
What are you looking for?
House is still struck dumb in her presence and continues to nod and stare like an idiot.
HOUSE
I … uh …
GENE
Blood tests, honey. And a chest x-ray.
HOUSE
Chest x-ray.
SHANNON
Are you sure you’re a doctor? Because I’m not-
House’s pager goes off and he fumbles it out of his pocket.
HOUSE
Yes, see? I have my own pager and
everything!
Shannon glares at him, neither impressed, nor amused. House’s reverie is now broken and he is aware of what a twit he’s been.
HOUSE
Um … yeah, I should go.
He shuffles out and Shannon looks to Gene, who shrugs.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE’S BOARD ROOM – DAY
House is sitting on the desk, in front of the white board, eating his cake. On the board,
the following words are written:
Panic attack Co poisoning
Myasthenia gravis coccidioidomycosis
Guillaine-Barre
House methodically chews whilst staring at the board. Chase enters.
CHASE
Well, you can cross off Agoraphobia.
House continues to eat and look at the board. He does not turn to face Chase.
HOUSE
What makes you say that?
CHASE
The stimulus is gone. There’s no ‘stage’
therefore, there’s no stage fright. And yes, his
heart rate is still elevated and his breathing labored.
HOUSE
Agoraphobia is fear of strangers. Topophobia
is stage fright. Maybe he has Nosocomephobia.
Chase is stumped, and when he does not answer, House turns to look at him.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Fear of hospitals. Or maybe it’s
Melaphobia.
Cameron and Foreman enter. Cameron is without her lab coat, wearing only a light
blouse and slacks.
FORMAN
Fear of music?
House stares at the semi-clad Cameron, mouth agape.
CHASE
No. Fear of melanoma?
House is still enthralled with Cameron. She notices his staring and quickly grabs her lab
coat from the back of a chair and shrugs it on.
HOUSE
Melons.
CHASE
Fear of melons? Why would he be afraid
of melons?
HOUSE
Have you seen his wife?
House holds his hands in front of his chest, in a gross exaggeration of Shannon Tweed’s
breasts.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
It’s like a dead heat in a zeppelin race!
CAMERON
She’s not his wife. And her ‘melons’ as you so
eloquently put them, are not nearly that big.
FOREMAN
(interested)
She’s not ‘with’ him?
CAMERON
I didn’t say that. She’s his partner, not his wife. They
have two children together, they just don’t believe
in marriage.
House is surprised and impressed with Cameron’s knowledge.
CHASE
Anyway, my point being, I think we can rule
out an anxiety disorder.
FOREMAN
Tox screen came back negative too.
All heads, excepting Cameron’s turn in surprise.
CHASE
No way!
HOUSE
That dog!
FOREMAN
Hey, I said the same thing, so I had the lab run
it twice. The man is clean.
CHASE
Who took the blood?
FOREMAN
No kidding. Maybe he switched-
HOUSE
I did. There was no switch.
House takes another bite of cake.
CAMERON
He doesn’t do drugs. Never did. Well, once,
by mistake he was duped into eating some hash
brownies.
Cameron yawns and stretches, arms in the air, chest out. House practically chokes on his
cake.
FOREMAN
(to Cameron)
How do you know all this stuff?
Cameron stands up and crosses frame to get a cup of coffee. House’s gaze follows her.
CAMERON
It’s called ‘Google’. You should try it sometime.
(to House)
What’s with you, anyway?
HOUSE
There’s nothing ‘with’ me. Why don’t we
try something novel, and talk about the patient?
FOREMAN
Pancreatitis can sometimes cause respiratory
distress.
HOUSE
There’s no abdominal pain, and no periumbilical
bruising.
CAMERON
And no alcoholism.
HOUSE
How is his glucose?
CHASE
Well below 500. No sign of hyperglycemia.
(beat)
What about COPD?
CAMERON
No history. No workplace irritants.
FOREMAN
Yeah, it’s not like he’s been inhaling cigarette
smoke in clubs his whole life. Even if he never
smoked himself, breathing in second hand smoke
from hundreds of other people has got to have some
sort of effect.
CAMERON
Like cancer?
FOREMAN
Like cancer, like COPD, like emphysema.
HOUSE
I don’t think so, but do a lung CT, just to be safe.
The team sits for a moment, thinking on other causes.
CHASE
What about Muscular Distrophy? Duchenne’s
commonly affects lung function.
FOREMAN
Yeah, in five year olds. It’s not an adult onset disease.
CAMERON
It could be Becker’s.
FOREMAN
That still has a childhood onset. These symptoms
just occurred in the last few days.
HOUSE
Or so he says. Maybe he’s been covering up these
symptoms for a long time.
CHASE
You can’t fake not having MD. Especially someone
in the public eye.
HOUSE
Yeah. You can’t fake not having Parkinson’s either,
Oh wait … Unless you’re Micheal J. Fox.
Do a muscle biopsy.
CUT TO:
INT. WILSON’S OFFICE-DAY
Wilson is working intently at the computer, but quickly turns off the monitor when House barges in.
HOUSE
Where the hell does Cuddy get-
(beat)
What were you doing?
WILSON
Cuddy? What did she slap your wrists
for this time?
HOUSE
Nothing. What were you doing?
WILSON
I…working. I mean, … what was that
about Cuddy?
HOUSE
You were looking at porn, weren’t you?
WILSON
No! I … No!
HOUSE
Ha! You were too!
(beat)
Good porn? Or like … well, there’s no
bad porn, just … well, I once saw this site that
featured a man and a …chicken!
WILSON
I was not looking at porn! And I was definitely
not looking at poultry porn! That’s disgusting!
HOUSE
No guff! Imagine how gross it was for
the chicken!
House squacks and flaps his arms wildly, and his cane falls to the floor. Wilson bends
over to retrieve it and House hauls Wilson out of his chair and sits down at the computer.
The screen comes to life.
INSERT: COMPUTER SCREEN. It is blank, aside from a small box in which to enter a
password. Wilson gets to his feet and laughs.
WILSON
Ha! It’s locked, you can’t get in.
HOUSE
(snorts)
Yeah, right. Two clinic hours says I
can get in, first try.
WILSON
All right, you’re on.
HOUSE
Okay. Birthdate.
House looks at Wilson, who tries to keep a poker face.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
No. Too obvious.
(beat)
Anniversary.
Wilson SIGHS.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Right. Too many to chose from.
(thinks)
Beloved childhood pet.
He begins to type on the keyboard.
INSERT: COMPUTER SCREEN, six *’s as House types in the code.
HOUSE (O.C.)
S-M-O-K-E-Y
The password is accepted. Wilson GROANS and covers his face.
WILSON
How could you possibly know that?
HOUSE
Because you’re predictable. You probably
use the same code on your bank card and
your house alarm too.
WILSON
That’s creepy. I feel so violated.
House’s eyes widen as he sees what Wilson had been looking at on the computer.
HOUSE
Oh my God! Did you … join an internet
dating service?
Wilson tries to wheel House’s chair away from the desk, but House hooks his cane over the back edge and holds tight.
WILSON
No. I didn’t. At least, not yet. I was
thinking of doing it.
HOUSE
Why?
WILSON
What do you mean, why? Because I’m
ready to start dating? Because I’d like to
share my life with someone? Because,
(beat)
I’m lonely.
HOUSE
You’re not lonely. You’ve got lots of friends.
WILSON’
No, no I don’t. I have you, and while it’s always
nice to have someone willing to lower the bar on
what constitutes an acceptable level of misery, I
want more. I want to be happy.
HOUSE
Happy? That’s a pretty lofty goal. Miserable
is much more attainable.
WILSON
Staying miserable won’t make me a better
friend to you, it will just make me …miserable.
Regardless, I’m going to write an ad, and I’d
appreciate your help.
HOUSE
(beat)
Fine.
WILSON
Okay, I was thinking something along the lines
of this: Thirty-eight year old doctor-
HOUSE
STOP!
WILSON
What? I’m supposed to lie about my age?
HOUSE
No, you’re supposed to lie about being a doctor.
You can’t say you’re an M.D. in your personal ad.
You may as well offer a lifetime of free botox and
boob jobs. You’ve got to play it cool. You don’t
want to over-play or underplay who you are.
WILSON
Brilliant. So I should try to appear like
every other guy out there.
HOUSE
Like everyone else, just … less weird.
House stares for a moment at Wilson.
WILSON
What?
HOUSE
I’m just trying to figure out why you need
a woman in your life to make you happy.
You have to love yourself before you can
truly love another.
WILSON
Thank you, Dr. Phil. You know, it would be
a lot more convincing, coming from someone
who wasn’t a misogynist.
HOUSE
I don’t hate women. I love women. It’s people
I can’t stand. I’m not a misogynist, I’m
a … peopogynist? Peopleogynist?
WILSON
An ass?
HOUSE
So, what type of woman are you looking for?
(thinks)
You are looking for a woman, right? Or did
you finally realize that you could double your
chances of filling your dance card if you didn’t
discriminate according to gender? Very smart!
Wilson rolls his eyes.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
I’d consider it myself, if it weren’t for that
pesky penis problem. You know, square peg,
round hole, and all that.
(beat)
Well, technically, two square pegs.
WILSON
No. Sadly, you’ve turned me off of men for good.
They share a look, both trying to not act amused.
WILSON
So, the ad.
‘Doctor’ is sort of how I define myself. How
would you describe me?
HOUSE
Desperate? Needy?
WILSON
No, I mean physically.
HOUSE
Ardorkable?
(beat)
Well, I guess you’re sort of pretty, in a ‘cell-block’
sort of way.
Wilson sucks in his gut.
WILSON
Would you describe me as fit?
HOUSE
Would you describe me as clean shaven?
WILSON
Okay, enough with the abuse. If I didn’t
know you were incapable of human
emotion, I’d say you were jealous.
HOUSE
Ha! Jealous? Jealous of
(reads ad)
‘Corpulent Divorcee Gambler?’ or maybe
‘Fifty Years Young, looking for cabaña boy
to spoil.’
(thinks)
Actually, that one’s got potential.
WILSON
How about this one?
House’s pager begins to beep. House takes it from his pocket and checks it.
HOUSE
Hmm…another one of Gene Simmon’s
tests have come back. I need to check the
results.
WILSON
Gene. Simmons. Like, Gene Simmons
from KISS? Or like, Gene Simmons, just
some wrinkly octogenarian banker who just
happen to have the same name as Gene Simmons
from KISS?
HOUSE
Probably the second one.
WILSON
Oh my God! Oh my God, oh my God!
Tell me that Gene Simmons is NOT your
patient!
HOUSE
Okay. Gene Simm—
WILSON
Can I meet him? I’m a huge fan, would
you introduce me?
HOUSE
I don’t think so.
WILSON
What do you mean?
HOUSE
He’s sick. We don’t know what’s wrong
with him. He has a right to privacy. And you’ll
embarrass me with your fangirling.
WILSON
I won’t! I promise. You call me in for a consult
and I’ll be a consummate professional.
HOUSE
Fine. If I think he has cancer, I’ll call you for a consult.
WILSON
(excited)
You think he has cancer?
HOUSE
No.
WILSON
Damn.
HOUSE
But if I do, you’ll be the first person to know.
WILSON
Oh, come on! I want to meet him.
He’s got like … a ten inch tongue!
HOUSE
I know!
WILSON
You’ve seen it?
HOUSE
Yeah, and it’s wicked!
House sticks out his tongue and waggles it, then abruptly stops. Wilson twigs that he’s on to something.
WILSON
What is it?
HOUSE
It’s not muscular dystrophy. I have to go look something
up.
He abruptly leaves.
CUT TO:
INT. GENE SIMMON’S ROOM – DAY
Gene is on the bed, with Shannon holding his hand. Cameron is looking at his chart,
Chase has cleaned and swabbed Gene’s leg in preparation for the biopsy. Foreman is
assisting. As Chase injects the anesthetic, Gene winces.
CHASE
I know, sorry, it stings a bit.
GENE
I’m fine.
CHASE
We’ll just give this a minute to take effect, and
then we’ll get on with the procedure. It doesn’t
take long, and other than some slight bruising
and discomfort at the site, there are few side effects.
Wilson enters the room.
WILSON
Sorry to interrupt, but have you seen House?
CAMERON
Yeah, we were just upstairs with him. And come
to think of it, wasn’t he just in your office?
WILSON
Yeah … I, uh…thought he’d be. I just needed to-
Wilson ‘notices’ Gene.
WILSON(Cont’d)
Look at me, how rude! I’m interrupting a
procedure, and I didn’t even introduce myself!
He extends a hand to Gene, who reluctantly takes it and shakes.
WILSON
I’m Dr. Wilson, head of Oncology here at Princeton P.
and you are…?
Gene is not fooled.
GENE
Gene.
WILSON
Very nice to meet you And who is this
beautiful, young woman? What is it about
rock stars and supermodels anyway? I’ll tell
you, I should have been practicing my guitar
instead of medicine!
Foreman and Chase make eye contact at his cheesy remark, but Shannon is flattered.
SHANNON
Oh, no. I’m not a supermodel.
WILSON
You’ve got to be kidding me! What a shame!
SHANNON
Well, I mean, I did do some modeling.
WILSON
Vogue? Cosmo?
CAMERON
Playboy.
WILSON
Playboy? Really?
CAMERON
Miss November, 1981.
Playmate of the year, 1982.
Everyone looks to Cameron, surprised.
CAMERON(Cont’d)
What? I read it for the articles.
WILSON
Dr. Chase, did you need me to … help?
CHASE
Gosh, that’s really nice of you to offer, but
I think we’ve got it under control here.
Wilson backs away to give them their space, but continues to gawk and grin at Gene and Shannon.
CHASE
There we go, can you feel this?
Chase scratches his gloved finger over the area on Gene’s leg.
GENE
(playing along)
Feel what?
CHASE
Perfect.
Chase picks up the large needle for aspiration. Cameron looks up from the charts to
watch him.
CHASE(Cont’d)
Alrighty, you might feel a pinch or tugging but it
won’t last long.
Chase does what he has to do, and other than a brave grunt from Gene, the procedure
goes well. House rushes into the room.
HOUSE
Cancel the biopsy!
(to Wilson)
What are you doing here?
CHASE
Impeccable timing.
WILSON
I was just leaving.
CAMERON
Why don’t you need the biopsy?
GENE
What’s going on?
HOUSE
It’s not Muscular Dystrophy. It’s Shy-Drager
Syndrome.
CAMERON
That would explain the late onset.
GENE
What the hell is Shy-Drager?
CHASE
It’s a variant of Multiple System Atrophy. A nasty
one. It totally explains the postural hypotension.
Gene looks to House, confused.
HOUSE
Blackouts. Low blood pressure when standing.
GENE
So, is this good news? Or bad news?
House hesitates, weighing his words.
HOUSE
Well, the good news is, Big Gene will
continue to be the front man for KISS.
House looks to Gene’s crotch.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
The bad news is, you can pretty much
kiss little Gene goodbye.
There are a few audible gasps of disbelief.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Complete and irreversible impotence.
CLOSE: on Gene’s silent look of horror.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOSPITAL – DAY
It is a warm afternoon outside the hospital. Birds are chirping, and an empty bench sits in
dappled sunlight beneath leafy elm tree. Suddenly the silence is shattered by a LOUD
SCREAM from within the hospital.
GENE(O.C.)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
The frightened birds take flight into the afternoon sky.
CUT TO:
INT. GENE’S ROOM- DAY
Gene and Shannon grip each other in terror. Gene sputters and gasps for air, sweat running freely down his face.
HOUSE
Relax. It’s not Shy-Drager.
GENE
What?? But you … you just …
House takes a hand and wipes it across Gene’s damp forehead.
HOUSE
Sweat. If you really had Shy-Drager, you
wouldn’t be able to.
(beat)
Well, I guess it’s back to the drawing-
He takes a closer look at Gene.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Hold the phone …
House examines along Gene’s hairline and down his jaw. We can see red lesions on Gene’s face and neck.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
How long have you had these?
House looks to his team.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
This changes everything. To the Bat Cave!
(to Wilson)
And you- OUT!
WILSON
(as he’s being dragged out)
It was very nice meeting you both!
Gene is still recovering from the shocking revelations. Shannon waves gaily at Wilson.
SHANNON
He’s cute! I like him.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR – DAY
FOREMAN
What the hell was that?
HOUSE
What do you mean? I was looking for
a conditioned response. And I found it.
FOREMAN
Yeah, and you practically gave the man
a heart attack in the process.
HOUSE
Wow. Lucky thing there were five doctors
in the room.
Wilson tries to sneak down a side hall, but House grabs him by his lab coat.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Speaking of which … since when were you
part of my diagnostic team?
Wilson struggles free from his grip.
WILSON
Since I wanted to meet Gene Simmons and you
refused to introduce me. Cumon! I was part
of the KISS Army!
HOUSE
KISS Army? Or KISS-ASS army?
WILSON
Can’t it be both?
House sighs and leans against the wall.
HOUSE
I feel like crap. I’m going home.
House turns and begins to leave.
WILSON
Hey, what about my ad?
HOUSE
I finished it already. Don’t worry, I made you
look good.
WILSON
Oh great. This should be interesting.
HOUSE
I’m sure the replies will be pouring in!
He laughs to himself as he exits.
CUT TO:
INT – HOUSE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
House sits at the computer with a wry smile. He begins to type.
HOUSE
S. M. O. K. E. Y.
He rolls his eyes.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Of course you haven’t bothered to change
it yet.
House scrolls through the pages.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Not one reply? How can that be?
(beat)
Let’s fix that.
House begins to type.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
(in a woman’s voice)
Dear James, I saw your profile this evening,
and I just had to write and tell you that I think
you’re really cute! I’m a petite, perky, energetic
female, and I like to do all of the things that you
said you like to do, plus lots more!
Like … like …
House stops to think.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
(in his own voice)
Oh crap. Like what?
He drums the keyboard idly for a moment, then is struck by inspiration. He slides his
chair over to the bookcase and digs around. After a beat, he emerges with a small stack
of girly magazines. He thumbs through a couple (stopping to admire a particularly eye
catching page) then finds what he is looking for and rolls back to the desk.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
…like puppies, long walks in the moonlight, and Indian
food. If you’d like to get together, please reply ASAP.
House presses ENTER and leans back in his chair, satisfied.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Thank you, Miss …
He checks the magazine.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
August.
There is a strange NOISE in another room, and House sits up, listening. The NOISE
repeats and House gets up and cautiously begins to investigate. After walking through
the kitchen and hallway he comes to his bedroom and sees a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
poised in the doorway. House looks confused.
HOUSE
I must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
FANTASY GIRL
You’re Gregory House.
HOUSE
You’re a strange, beautiful woman in my house.
Are you my ‘buy two, get one free?”
FANTASY GIRL
No. I’m here because I don’t like what you
wrote about me.
HOUSE
What I wrote? What did I write?
FANTASY GIRL
Petite, energetic, perky female. And that crap
about puppies, Indian food and long walks in the
moonlight.
(beat)
Actually, I do like Indian food, but I’m
really more of a cat person.
HOUSE
You’re not real.
FANTASY GIRL
What are you talking about? I’m your dream girl.
HOUSE
No. You’re Wilson’s dream girl.
House searches his pockets for his pills and begins to panic when he cannot find them.
The Woman reaches into her cleavage and pulls out a bottle of Vicodin.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
(impressed)
Oh yeah, you are my fantasy girl.
House reaches for the pills, but she pulls them away.
FANTASY GIRL
Uh uh, I need a re-write first. You’ve made me
much too shallow.
HOUSE
Well, technically, you are shallow. You’re’
a figment of my imagination, and I’m a doctor,
I don’t have an imagination.
He waits a beat, then with a nod of his head, leads her back to the living room to the
computer. She follows.
FANTASY GIRL
Is Wilson this shallow?
HOUSE
Why don’t you go to his house and ask him?
FANTASY GIRL
I’m asking you. Do you think he’s shallow?
They sit, side by side at the computer and House begins to type.
HOUSE
No. More like, goal oriented. And a lot of
‘personality’ on your part might get in the way
of his … quest.
FANTASY GIRL
Charming.
HOUSE
Okay, we’re in. The floor is yours.
FANTASY GIRL
Alright. Educated, exacting, extremely bright,
professional, loner. Enjoys day-time dramas and
night-time poker games. Hates authority and
sycophants. Seeks same.
HOUSE
Gee, that sounds oddly familiar.
FANTASY GIRL
Anyone you know?
HOUSE
You’re not a fantasy. You’re me, but with ‘hammers.’
The Woman unzips her blouse.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Really nice ‘hammers.’
They both stare at each other for a moment, then lean in for a kiss, but being essentially
the same person, they both angle their heads the same way and bump noses. They draw
back, surprised. House and the Woman try to kiss again, at a different angle, but the
same thing happens. They both laugh, then Fantasy Girl takes House’s face in her hands
and this time, when she leans in to kiss him, she angles his face in the opposite direction.
They kiss for a moment, then House stops.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
You wouldn’t happen to have ‘hammers’ AND a
square peg, would you?
FANTASY GIRL
No. I’m more the ‘round hole’ type.
HOUSE
Oh…mommy!
CUT TO:
HOUSE’S BEDROOM-DAY
House is in bed sleeping, with a big smile on his face. He stretches and we see the other
side of the bed, which is empty and not rumpled. House pats the empty side and smiles
again, remembering the previous evening.
HOUSE
(mumbles)
Fantasy Girl.
House runs his hand up his abdomen, to his chest, then holds it up as if it were a sock
puppet.
HOUSE(as puppet)
You were amazing last night!
HOUSE(as himself)
You were pretty incredible yourself!
House turns his hand puppet away, as if it were coy.
HOUSE (as puppet)
Aww, shucks!
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
House enters the building, smiling and whistling. The foyer is busy, and House nods to a
pretty woman, who smiles at him as he passes her. He then nods at another one, who also
smiles. House waits at the elevator, and sneaks perplexed glances at the unusual number
of attractive women who are also waiting. When the bell dings and the door opens,
House enters the elevator, along with the bevy of cute women. When he turns to face
forward, he realizes that he is, in effect, trapped by a plethora of cleavage. House smiles
at his good fortune. Just as the doors are about to close, he hear an orderly shout;
ORDERLY
Hold the elevator!
The door is held, and the orderly pushes in a gurney. All of the women shuffle to make
room, and House now has three women pushed right up against him. His smile becomes
a look of alarm as the proximity of these women begin to affect him physically. He tries
to turn sideways, to get one woman’s cleavage out of his face, but is assaulted by an even
larger pair of breasts. He begins to sweat. He looks to a beautiful brunette standing near
the floor buttons.
BRUNETTE
Going up?
House blushes and nods at the double entendre.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE’S BOARDROOM – DAY
House is again sting at the whiteboard eating cake, but today the board is blank. The
team enters.
HOUSE
I have four possibilities.
FOREMAN
Well, what are they?
HOUSE
I’d like to hear yours first.
The team is silent.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Okay, then let’s review the symptoms.
CAMERON
Respiratory distress.
House writes down her answer, and continues to write as the others talk.
CHASE
Tachycardia.
CAMERON
Skin lesions.
HOUSE
Where?
CAMERON
Facial, oral, nasal. Sort of all over.
HOUSE
Genital?
CAMERON
I don’t know.
HOUSE
Oh, come on! You must have peeked! Don’t
tell me that you’re not just a little bit curious.
CAMERON
W-what? No!
HOUSE
Long tongued rock and roll star like that? You
must harbour some fantasies?
CAMERON
He’s old enough to be my father.
HOUSE
And my father’s old enough to be your grandfather.
House waggles his eyebrows at Cameron. Chase is confused. Foreman is impatient.
FOREMAN
Postural hypotension.
HOUSE
Good, go on.
FOREMAN
Muscle weakness.
CAMERON
And stiffness.
CHASE
The muscle biopsy showed nothing.
HOUSE
I told you not to do it.
CHASE
Yeah, well, I had already taken my pound
of flesh, I figured I might as well test it.
HOUSE
That’s my boy!
House backs up and assesses what he’s written.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
So … what do these all add up to?
CAMERON
Behcet’s Disease?
HOUSE
Good. Do a pathergy.
CHASE
Diptheria?
FOREMAN
Diptheria’s usually respiratory OR cutaneous,
not both.
HOUSE
Usually. Pish!
FOREMAN
Melioidosis is more likely.
HOUSE
Oh, yes! I like that one! Aerobic bacterium.
CHASE
Plague?
House puts a hand to his chin and thinks.
HOUSE
Hmm… You know, I took the history myself,
and I can’t quite remember if I asked about a
time machine or not. You’d think it would be
a standard question on the form.
CHASE
Plague doesn’t have to be Bubonic. It could be
pneumonic, or septicemic.
HOUSE
Or locusts.
CAMERON
It’s rare, but there have been cases of Bubonic
Plague well into this century.
FOREMAN
Yeah, but not in middle aged rock stars! It’s
much more likely to be Melioidosis.
CAMERON
Not necessarily! They’re both rare, but they’re
both possible.
House puts down his cake. He is getting glassy eyed again, watching Foreman and
Cameron’s heated argument.
HOUSE
I don’t suppose the two of you would like to
leg wrestle to determine who’s right?
They stop arguing and look at him.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Best two out of three?
CAMERON
Or, we could be slightly more scientific
and run some tests.
CHASE
Y. Pestis cultures grow too slowly. He’s already
declining, there’s no way we could hold off treatment
until we find out for sure.
CAMERON
We could do a fluorescent anti-body test.
FOREMAN
I’m telling you, you’re looking for the wrong
bacterium!
HOUSE
Lucky for us, both diseases take the same treatment.
Put him on doxy. And do the anti-body test. Let’s
rule out everything that we can.
CUT TO:
INT- HOUSE’S APARTMENT, NIGHT
House walks in and tosses his jacket and helmet down and heads to the bedroom. Fantasy Girl is again, waiting for him in the doorway.
HOUSE
We have to stop meeting like this.
FANTASY GIRL
We’ve got more work to do.
HOUSE
What do you mean? Last night was fun,
don’t you think?
FANTASY GIRL
Sure, but it could never last. Two wrongs
don’t make a right. Two Houses would
be constantly battling for dominance, and
eventually destroy each other. You need to
apply an “opposites attract”approach.
A ‘ying’ to your ‘yang’ if you will.
HOUSE
I thought my ying-yang did a pretty good job
last night.
Fantasy Girl motions to the computer and House follows.
FANTASY GIRL
I guarantee it will be even better tonight.
House sits down at the keyboard and Fantasy Girl kneads his shoulders while he types.
FANTASY GIRL(Cont’d)
I think you need someone with personality
traits that are complimentary not contrary to
yours. You still want someone intelligent,
witty and self-sufficient, but you need someone
who is patient, who can nurture and who can
stand back and let you be you.
HOUSE
Oh yes, the ‘wind beneath my wings.’
FANTASY GIRL
(laughs)
Well, sort of. More someone who is secure
enough in who they are that they don’t lose
themselves in your strong presence.
(beat)
A friend.
HOUSE
A best friend with benefits?
FANTASY GIRL
Like … hammers?
HOUSE
I’d definitely consider hammers to be
a benefit.
They kiss, with Fantasy Girl ‘submitting’ to House. No nose bumping or fighting for
dominance this time.
CUT TO:
HOUSE’S BEDROOM-DAY
House wakes up smiling again. He stretches and his hand touches someone on the other
side of the bed. He looks over at the lump and grins. The lump rolls over and it is
Wilson, who smiles sleepily at House.
WILSON
Hey, best friend.
BEAT
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE’S BEDROOM -DAY
House jerks awake, sweaty and terrified, but much to his relief, alone.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ENTRANCE – DAY
House enters the hospital, looking decidedly more miserable than he did the day before.
He makes eye contact with no one, and is relieved when there is no one else waiting for
the elevators. The doors open and he suddenly halts. The elevator is full of young,
attractive men. They shuffle to make room for him.
CUTE GUY
It’s a little tight, but I think you’ll fit just fine!
They jostle each other to move over.
CUT GUY
Going down?
HOUSE
(too loudly)
I’ll wait!
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR – DAY
House is walking past Gene’s room, but stops when he hears Wilson’s voice.
CUT TO:
INT. GENE’S ROOM – DAY
Wilson is laughing and chatting it up with Gene and Shannon. Wilson is sitting on the
side of the bed, and Shannon is showing him pictures.
GENE
Oh yeah, up in the Whiteshell, we always
catch the best walleye. They’re not the
biggest, but the taste is spectacular.
The fish practically jump into your boat.
Shannon shows Wilson a picture of Gene holding some fish beside a spunky looking terrier.
WILSON
That’s a beautiful animal. What kind of
breed?
Shannon laughs and dabs at her eyes.
GENE
Thank was Spencer. He was a Border Terrier.
SHANNON
We had to put him down last month, poor guy.
WILSON
Oh, I’m sorry.
Shannon is lost for a moment, remembering her dog, then perks up.
SHANNON
You should come up some time, Dr. Wilson.
You’d love it there. The water is as smooth as
glass, and the sound of the loons in the morning?
WILSON
Oh, I don’t know, I’m not much of a sportsman.
House enters.
HOUSE
What do you mean? You were just
telling me the other day, that there were
plenty of fish in the sea, weren’t you, Jimmy?
Wilson shoots House a withering look. Unbeknownst to the others, Genes breathing
becomes more labored.
SHANNON
Oh my goodness, are you single? But you’re
so cute!
She all but pinches Wilson’s cheeks and he blushes furiously.
SHANNON(Cont’d)
Look at him, he’s a dreamboat!
House has died and gone to heaven.
HOUSE
Dreamboat? There’s something you didn’t
mention in your ad.
Gene continues to decline, but the others are too caught up to notice.
WILSON
(faking)
Is that my pager? It’s probably an emergency.
Gene’s monitors start beeping as he crashes.
HOUSE
That’s no pager.
(shouts)
Nurse! We need a crash cart in here!
Wilson fumbles for his stethoscope while House moves the monitors out of the way. The
NURSE arrives with the crash cart and House looks to Wilson.
WILSON
No pulse. Paddle me.
House powers up the paddles and tosses them to Wilson, who in turn, hands over his
stethoscope to House. When the paddles are charged, he presses them to Gene’s chest.
He sends off the charge, and Gene’s body bounces on the table. House listens intently,
then shakes his head.
HOUSE
Nope. Do it again.
Wilson defibs Gene again. Nothing.
HOUSE(Cont’d)
Higher. Take it to 360.
The nurse hesitates, then cranks the dial considerably higher and we hear the high pitched
whine as it re-charges.
WILSON
Clear.
They shock Gene again, but to no avail.
HOUSE
500.
NURSE
That’s too high.
HOUSE
Do it.
NURSE
I can’t, it’s too high.
HOUSE
What the hell is your problem?
NURSE
I can’t! The machine doesn’t go that high!
HOUSE
THEN GET ANOTHER DAMN MACHINE!
House reaches into a drawer and pulls out a large needle, which he plunges into Genes
chest and depresses the medicine. A beat, then Gene jerks back to life, flailing wildly.
Wilson looks to the monitor.
WILSON
He’s back, but he’s still in defib. He’s got
no regular sinus rhythm.
HOUSE
Shock him again.
WILSON
You just got him started, this might
stop him.
House makes eye contact with Wilson and gives him a calm nod. Wilson centers himself
and nods back. Wilson puts the paddles on Gene’s chest.
HOUSE
Whoa, whoa wait!
House turns the dial down to an acceptable level.
HOUSE
Okay.
Wilson presses the paddles to Gene’s chest and gives him a final shock. Gene’s heart
spasms, then settles into a normal rhythm. House and Wilson breathe a collective sigh of
relief. Shannon rushes over and runs her hands over her partner.
SHANNON
Oh Gene! Oh thank God!
She turns to Wilson, tears in her eyes.
SHANNON(Cont’d)
Thank you Doctor Wilson, you saved his life.
Wilson grins self-consciously. House rolls his eyes.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE’S BOARDROOM – NIGHT
House is again sitting on the table, eating cake and looking at a blank white board. The team sits behind him.
CHASE
I’m telling you it’s Diphtheria.
HOUSE
I’m telling you it’s not.
CHASE
The fever, the lesions and the chest x-ray
all point to it.
HOUSE
The blatant lack of adherent membrane on his
tonsils and pharynx all point to no. Not to mention
the fact that he didn’t respond to Doxy.
CAMERON
Maybe he wasn’t on it long enough, or maybe
it’s a resistant strain.
HOUSE
Who’s side are you on anyway?
CAMERON
The patient’s.
CHASE
We should at least try the Diphtheria anti-toxin.
FOREMAN
That’s only available through the CDC. He
might die of old age first.
CHASE
Or another macrolide antibiotic.
CAMERON
What about sickle cell anemia?
FOREMAN
He’s not black.
HOUSE
Why is it always about race with you? What if he
is black?
FOREMAN
But he’s not.
CAMERON
It’s not an exclusively black disease.
CHASE
Yeah, but it usually manifests in childhood.
FOREMAN
And there’s no jaundice.
HOUSE
What if the lesions were an allergic reaction?
FOREMAN
But they’re not.
HOUSE
You really don’t get how to play this game,
do you?
CAMERON
Do you think he was allergic to the Doxicycline?
HOUSE
Then we’d be back at square peg. I mean square one.
CAMERON
Maybe it’s Lupus.
Everyone snickers.
CAMERON(Cont’d)
Well, someone had to say it.
HOUSE
I’m going home.
House gets off the table and puts down the finally empty plate.
CHASE
But what about Gene?
HOUSE
Fine. Put him on erythromycin. And
since you’re so gung-ho on doing it, you
get the honour of watching him all night.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
An old black and white movie is playing on the television. House limps over to the
couch, a pizza box in his hand. He puts it down on the coffee table with a tired sigh. He
looks over to the computer, contemplating. He drums his fingers against the pizza box,
then decides to stay put. We can now see that Old Yeller is playing on the tv..
House opens the pizza box, and we see that it is loaded with veggies, primarily
mushrooms.
HOUSE
Oh crap, mushrooms.
He takes a piece anyway, and leans back on the couch, putting his feet up on the coffee
table. We hear a gunshot, as the boy shoots Old Yeller. House sits up, suddenly struck
with an epiphany.
HOUSE
Mushrooms.
CUT TO:
INT. GENE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Chase answers his cell phone. It is House.
INTERCUT SCENE BETWEEN HOUSE AND CHASE
HOUSE
It’s not a bacteria. It’s not a virus. It’s
a fungus!
CHASE
A fungus?
HOUSE
He picked it upon a trip to the Whiteshell.
His dog caught it too, but they probably wrote
that off to a bad case of Bordertella.
CHASE
Kennel cough?
HOUSE
But it wasn’t. It was a sneaky little
fungus that likes to hide in the ground
until someone, or, in this case, someone’s
dog, comes along and digs it up. The fungus
becomes airborne, dog and owner breathe
it in, and the rest is history.
CHASE
Blastomychosis.
HOUSE
Bingo. It explains the increased serum
globulin levels.
CHASE
And his normochromic anemia.
HOUSE
Now, this is the tricky part. He needs
Amphotericin B, I.V., but it’s got to be
infused slowly, or it may cause circulatory
collapse. You’ve got to monitor his vitals
carefully. It’s not unusual for the temperature
to spike initially, but it should subside in one
or two hours.
CHASE
Check.
HOUSE
And monitor his blood for urea nitrogen and
creatinine levels. If he reacts badly to the
amphotericin, you’ll have to have anti-emetics
and anti-pyretics on hand. Watch him closely
for any signs of hearing loss, tinnitus—
CHASE
Yes, boss, I’m well aware of the signs of
hypokalemia. I’ll be sure to pay close attention.
HOUSE
Good.
House hangs up the phone and gives himself a mental pat on the back for finally figuring
out the diagnosis. He then looks warily at his computer.
INTERCUT BETWEEN SCENES:
CHASE hangs the I.V. and attaches it to Gene’s line. We see the medicine begin to drip.
HOUSE gets up, limps to the computer, stands beside it for a moment, then changes his
mind and walks away.
CHASE and Shannon make hopeful eye contact.
HOUSE comes back to the computer, and touches the keyboard tentatively, but does not
type anything.
WILSON appears at the glass door to Gene’s room. Shannon motions for him to come in.
HOUSE sits at the computer and begins to type. His hand hovers over the ‘Enter’ button.
CHASE checks Gene’s vital signs. So far so good.
HOUSE presses ‘Enter’, then lowers his head to the desk.
WILSON sits down beside Shannon. She is holding on to Gene with one hand, and
extends the other to Wilson. He hesitates slightly, then takes it. Shannon is grateful.
HOUSE’S head snaps up as we hear a KNOCK at the door. House gets up and
cautiously approaches the threshold, wary of who is on the other side. His hand hovers
over the doorknob, until he musters the courage to turn the knob. The door opens to
reveal STACY.
CHASE, WILSON and SHANNON are tired, and almost asleep. Gene’s hand twitches
and his eyes flutter open. Wilson notices and puts a hand on Shannon’s shoulder to wake
her. She sobs with relief and hugs Gene, who smiles weakly.
HOUSE and STACY stare at each other wordlessly. It is an emotional moment for both
of them, and neither is sure of what to do, or say. Their eyes lock as they decide what to
do next. They both lunge at the same time, for a fumbling, breathy, emotional kiss.
Stacy pushes House against the wall, as they frantically paw each other.
CUT TO:
INT. GENE’S ROOM – DAY
Gene is sitting up in bed, Shannon and her sister Tracy are at his bedside, laughing and talking. House enters the room. He does a double-take at the two beautiful blondes, then turns his attention to Gene.
HOUSE
Hey, how’re ya feeling?
GENE
Like crap.
(smiles)
Thank you.
HOUSE
Well, I do what I can.
Shannon jumps up.
SHANNON
Doctor Wilson!
House turns to see Wilson enter the room, smiling shyly.
WILSON
Hey, it’s good to see you up.
GENE
Thanks man. Shannon says you were
quite the hero.
HOUSE
Super-dreamboat-man, able to make girls
squeal in a single bound.
Shannon grabs her sister and drags her over to Wilson.
SHANNON
Doctor Wilson, I’d like you to meet
my sister Tracy. Tracy, this is Doctor
Wilson.
Shannon smiles and stares meaningfully at her sister in an unmistakable “this is the guy I was telling you about” way. Tracy squeals.
TRACY
Oh my goodness, it’s so nice to meet you.
Shannon’s been telling me about the wonderful
things you were doing to help Gene, and we’re
all so grateful.
Tracy shakes Wilson’s hand, and does not let go.
WILSON
Oh, well, you know …
They stare at each other mesmerized.
HOUSE
Say, Doctor Wilson, weren’t you just
on your way to the cafeteria?
Wilson and Tracy continue to stare.
WILSON
Yeah … I was.
House smiles.
HOUSE
Perhaps your new friend would like
to go with you.
WILSON
Yeah. I mean, yes! Erm … I was just going
to get something to drink, would you-
TRACY
I’d love to!
He offers Tracy his arm, and they exit the room.
TRACY(O.C)
So, a doctor, eh? Do you do botox?
House chuckles, then gives Gene the index-pinkie heavy-metal hand sign. Gene returns
it and gives a tired waggle of his trademarked tongue. House exits.
CUT TO:
INT. ELEVATOR LOBBY – DAY
House is waiting for the elevator. The doors open to reveal Cuddy. House enters and they stand, side by side, watching the floor numbers decline.
CUDDY
I hear your patients doing better.
HOUSE
That rumor-mill works fast.
CUDDY
How are you feeling?
House takes a deep breath to assess himself before he replies.
HOUSE
Incredibly …
(beat as he eyes her cleavage)
horny. Are you up for some Love in an Elevator?
CUDDY
Sorry. I had mine on the way up.
HOUSE
Come to think of it, I’ve been on
‘catching wood’ all week.
Cuddy tries to look innocent and fails.
HOUSE
You did this!
(beat)
You drugged my cake!
CUDDY
I surely don’t know what you’re talking about.
HOUSE
You put Viagra in that whole cake!
CUDDY
I did not!
(beat)
I only put it in your piece.
HOUSE
That’s insane! That’s unconscionable!
That’s … hilarious!
CUDDY
Parted your hair?
House makes the motion of a jet flying over his head. The doors open and House exits
the elevator, still chuckling to himself. Cuddy peers out after him.
CUDDY(Cont’d)
Where are you going?
HOUSE
I’m going back to bed.
House limps away.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOSPITAL – DAY
House leaves the hospital and walks to the parking lot towards his motorcycle. The camera pans back to reveal Stacy sitting on the bike. House smiles.
THE END!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-12-10 02:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-10 03:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-10 03:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-10 03:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-10 03:46 am (UTC)Thanks for bringing it up though. When I first tried writing screenplays (back in the days of Quantum Leap) I DIDN'T have the proper format and it was a royal pain in the ass to change! I wish they'd had computer programs back then! (of course, there was barely even an internet back then...)
no subject
Date: 2007-12-10 04:04 am (UTC)But you do seem to have a problem connecting things. Cuddy's bad luck in the beginning (ie. the car rushing past her, the man slipping on the puddle, the sign falling) doesn't appaer to lead anywhere. The scene with the patient and the catheter is also entertaining, but where does this patient end up? Was he cured, or forgotten? I had the same problem with the ending. The online dating/female House fiasco seemed to be leading to some sort of scene with Wilson. But, out of nowhere, you brought Stacy in. Possibly I missed something, but I just don't understand where she came from, and why.
If I seem like I'm being harsh, I apologize. Like I said, this is all only in the one percent I was a bit iffy on. Most of it I really, really enjoyed. Thanks for posting this despite the fact that you wrote it a while ago. It was a great read.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-10 04:46 am (UTC)Cuddy's bad luck was supposed to lead us to believe (along with House) that something bad really HAD happened to her. Sort of a false foreshadowing. She *almost* gets hurt repeatedly, and when the sign falls, we are supposed to believe that, although she's had a few close calls in the preceeding scenes, this time she was not so lucky.
The catheter patient was just a throw away scene, in that it is more for the sake of comedy, character development and/or scene development. The team had to hear about Cuddy's accident, and they had to be doing *something* instead of waiting around for Wilson to tell them about it.
As for the dating thing, I was trying to convey a progression of 'fantasies' or possible partners for House. He basically goes from a version of himself, to a version of Wilson to a version of Stacy. My point being that Stacy *is/was* his perfect match. It is sort of up to interpretation if he ends up with the 'real' Stacy, or just a fantasy version of her. Personally, I would love to see him end up with Wilson, but as this was not written with Fandom in mind, I didn't go there. ;D
Thanks very much for the concrit. I think you are totally bang on. Generally I tend to overexplain things, and in an attempt to not spoon feed the reader, perhaps I was too vague. My main goal was to prove (hopefully to an agent) that I could write convincing dialogue and story lines, and obviously, continuity and connectivity would be part of that. I'm glad that you enjoyed it anyway! Thanks for reading and reviewing! <3
no subject
Date: 2007-12-10 05:19 am (UTC)Personally, just so I can, you know, ramble on and bother you, I don't think Stacy was House's perfect match. I think she's too fickle, too indecisive. I agree with the fact that he needs a mate with complimentary rather than matching characteristics, and Stacy certainly has a lot of both, but I think that his partner would have to be equally stubborn. Stacy takes much too long to make up her mind, and then she seems to have the tendency to unmake it. But that's just me. Obviously, we know what 'ship I'm on.
Do you have anything else posted? If not, I look forward to reading your next story.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-10 05:40 am (UTC)I haven't written much House stuff, just one other one here, on Skyehawke; http://archive.skyehawke.com/story.php?no=15413&chapter=1&font=&size=
And its all about the slashy nc17. I've done a couple of Harry Potter slash fics too, which can also be found there. I mostly do teh artz. :D
*friends you back*
no subject
Date: 2007-12-10 06:03 am (UTC)Ha, thanks, I see that. I love it when I get friended.
I found the art. Oh yes, I decided to be proactive, go to your page, and see what you tagged "House". I'm currently clicking through your drawings and sending 20194 links to my friend, because it's fantastic.
By the way, I'm sorry I'm basically spamming your page. It's not often someone actually replies to my ramblings, though.