Advice?

[tripperfunster]

My father (who lives in another province) failed to aknowledge my son's 10th birthday, with either a card, gift or phonecall. .... for the second time.

Last year he missed Kid H's birthday, but remembered to send a card to kid Q on his birthday.

My dad and I have a ... somewhat strained relationship, but generally do the bare minimum of sending a small gift at christmas and at least a phone call on birthdays, plus a couple of random phone calls throughout the year.

Little history: My parents split when Harry was just a baby, and I was preggo with Quincey. (he left my mother for another woman). Despite a gentle two week reminder from me, my dad missed Harry's first birthday. I was a new mom (and pregnant with #2) and still picking up the pieces of his shattered marraige to my mother.

I wrote him a SCATHING letter, spelling out to him that he could either be a part of our lives, or he could not, but the choice was up to him. I explained to him EXACTLY what that would involve, ie: letters/cards/gifts/phonecalls (one of, not all) on major holidays, plus yanno, some sort of activity from him, be it visits or calls or cards, just to say hi, etc.

I was specific, because ... well duh, I wanted to be clear of human my expectations. I also told him that if he chose NOT to take part in my children's lives I would be disappointed, but would respect his decision. I also made it abundantly clear that there would be many people in the world that would disappoint my children and hurt their feelings, but I did NOT want them to experience assholes firsthand from their grandfather.

My dad was 'surprised and hurt' at my letter (whaaa) and emphatically said that he DID want to be part of our lives, etc etc etc.

I managed to not say anything last year when he missed Harry's birthday. My husband thinks I should stay quiet again this year, but staying quiet is just not working for me. I'm fucking livid.

I totally 'get' that I will never change my father, and he will continue to do what he does regardless of what I say or do, but SO MANY people let him do what he wants without any repercussions, just because of that. They ENABLE his assholism by letting everything slide.

I CANNOT BE AN ENABLER!!!

P.S. He has stated on more than one occasion that he doesn't really like Harry. He thinks he's a spoiled brat and doesn't enjoy spending time with him. (yanno, those one or two days every three years are reaaaally hard ...) He thinks I fail as a parent and don't discipline them enough. Granted, Harry has anxiety issues and can be hard to be around sometimes, but he's also a really smart, funny and creative child. His teacher actually told me that she shouldn't pick favourites, but Harry is one of her favourite students that she's had in years. As much as he can be difficult, he's an amazing peace keeper and wickedly insightful.


*sigh*

I guess my question to you, lovely flist, is Should I Say Something? Or not? I understand that regardless of my actions, the OUTCOME will probably not change. And if I DON'T say something, how do I reconcile that in my heart/head?

Comments

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

I'm honestly not sure that he's playing favourites. I think that would imply that he actually cares more than he does. Although in person, he would like which ever child was more polite and malleable.

He has an odd expectation that he can show up once every three years and the kids will jump into his arms and be buddies with him and treat him with the type of manners and respect that were common in the fifties.

He didn't get that from me, so I'm not sure why he thinks my kids will give it to him now.

As for enthusiasm, I would die of shock if he did more than send a card. I don't really care about his motiviation. I suppose I could browbeat him into sending cards every year, but in the long run, he's still who he is, and my kids are smart enough to see through that.

Thanks so much for your input. The more I talk about this, the more I realize that he will be who he will be, and nothing I can do or say will change that.

I will let him know of his transgressions, but hopefully I can do it without being whiney and butthurt, because he'd enjoy that too much.