Advice?

[tripperfunster]

My father (who lives in another province) failed to aknowledge my son's 10th birthday, with either a card, gift or phonecall. .... for the second time.

Last year he missed Kid H's birthday, but remembered to send a card to kid Q on his birthday.

My dad and I have a ... somewhat strained relationship, but generally do the bare minimum of sending a small gift at christmas and at least a phone call on birthdays, plus a couple of random phone calls throughout the year.

Little history: My parents split when Harry was just a baby, and I was preggo with Quincey. (he left my mother for another woman). Despite a gentle two week reminder from me, my dad missed Harry's first birthday. I was a new mom (and pregnant with #2) and still picking up the pieces of his shattered marraige to my mother.

I wrote him a SCATHING letter, spelling out to him that he could either be a part of our lives, or he could not, but the choice was up to him. I explained to him EXACTLY what that would involve, ie: letters/cards/gifts/phonecalls (one of, not all) on major holidays, plus yanno, some sort of activity from him, be it visits or calls or cards, just to say hi, etc.

I was specific, because ... well duh, I wanted to be clear of human my expectations. I also told him that if he chose NOT to take part in my children's lives I would be disappointed, but would respect his decision. I also made it abundantly clear that there would be many people in the world that would disappoint my children and hurt their feelings, but I did NOT want them to experience assholes firsthand from their grandfather.

My dad was 'surprised and hurt' at my letter (whaaa) and emphatically said that he DID want to be part of our lives, etc etc etc.

I managed to not say anything last year when he missed Harry's birthday. My husband thinks I should stay quiet again this year, but staying quiet is just not working for me. I'm fucking livid.

I totally 'get' that I will never change my father, and he will continue to do what he does regardless of what I say or do, but SO MANY people let him do what he wants without any repercussions, just because of that. They ENABLE his assholism by letting everything slide.

I CANNOT BE AN ENABLER!!!

P.S. He has stated on more than one occasion that he doesn't really like Harry. He thinks he's a spoiled brat and doesn't enjoy spending time with him. (yanno, those one or two days every three years are reaaaally hard ...) He thinks I fail as a parent and don't discipline them enough. Granted, Harry has anxiety issues and can be hard to be around sometimes, but he's also a really smart, funny and creative child. His teacher actually told me that she shouldn't pick favourites, but Harry is one of her favourite students that she's had in years. As much as he can be difficult, he's an amazing peace keeper and wickedly insightful.


*sigh*

I guess my question to you, lovely flist, is Should I Say Something? Or not? I understand that regardless of my actions, the OUTCOME will probably not change. And if I DON'T say something, how do I reconcile that in my heart/head?

Comments

[clayangel.livejournal.com]

What it comes down to is which one will give you more grief? I, personally, have severe issues with my mother, and the other day I decided that I wouldn't let her walk all over me like she's wont to do, and actually stood up to her...but it just resulted in a screaming match, she didn't understand what she had done wrong and ended up basically thinking I was an asshole. I'm still disgusted by her behavior, but nothing was accomplished, and I'm left wondering if the pride at having stood up for myself was worth the emotional pain of the ensuing fight.

So yeah. What's worth more? Which path chosen will leave you with more inner peace? That's the road you should end up taking.

It's a real dick move on his part, though, if he is doing it on purpose like it sounds.

[torino10154]

Gotta admit I like clayangel's reply but I'll also say...if you do want to say something something like forgetting someone once can happen, twice you're not showing you DO still have an interest in being a part of the children's lives and 3 times will be the last time I bother to tell you to get your act together. Or you know something. I personally do prefer giving people one more chance but I think he's on his last one. Just my $.02 Canadian. ;)

[pennswoods.livejournal.com]

I have no useful advice to give, but I just wanted to voice my solidarity with whatever you decide is best for you and your boys:

Sometimes our parents can be toxic assholes that we and our children would be better off without. And sometimes our parents are simply flawed/normal beings whose shortcomings we can work around because we realize there is more value in maintaining connections with them than in losing them.

[gunxshyed.livejournal.com]

I don't have children, but I've worked with children as a teacher for years, and it's just common understanding that while you may have a favourite child or not particularly care for a child, they deserve to be treated the same way, and sometimes you'll find (as I've been shown time and time again) that the child you like the least is the one you relate to the most and the one worth the most work. This should especially be true as a grandparent in my eyes. If you said something to him about it and he started doing all of those things, would you worry about the efforts being genuine or not? Would it bother you if he was enthusiastic about one child's birthday and not the other's? I think that would get me more than anything.

I guess if it were me, I would tell him calmly that I didn't appreciate him missing Harry's birthday, and if he's not going to share love equally between the children, he won't be calling on either of them. I personally couldn't watch one be celebrated and the other not. It needs to be both or neither. I absolutely agree that the last place children should experience that kind of hurt and disappointment from is their family. Not to mention the jab at your parenting, jeez! Not acceptable.

Anyway, that's my opinion. *hugs* :(

[sra-danvers.livejournal.com]

Wow dear, it's a hard thing. You know, man are man. Usually don't call, or is the thing my experience tells me. You know I was separated four years, with my husband. He's a good father, now with Roger and when our daughters were babies. But you know, when we separated, he just was off. Only two fucking weekends at month, and sometimes he let my daughters with him mother. Man sucks...

I don't know what to tell you. I know I willl not say a word, but I not forgot, never. Maybe is a better thing to talk now and not to keep the things but well... it's up to you.

Hugs,

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

*sigh* You have pretty much exactly hit the nail on the head here. My problem is deciding exactly which one he is.

My dad is deeply flawed, but not in an abusive alcoholic/rage-monster/pedophile sort of way. He's just an asshole. One who can be wonderfully charming and funny, but also cold, selfish and juvenille.

I obviously have a whole handbasket of daddy issues of my own, so it's hard to separate them and be objective.

Luckily, my kids are pretty happy and well adjusted, and although I've tried to be careful about bad mouthing my dad in front of them, they've seen firsthand what he's like and understand that he can be a jerk. Both of my kids have commented that my mother's (new) husband is muuuuch nicer and more fun than my dad.

Out of the mouths of babes.

Thanks hon. <3

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thanks hon. Sadly, I don't think EITHER option will give me any inner peace. Beating him with a shovel would make me pretty happy, but that's not the most practical answer ...

Honestly, I'm not sure that he's favouring one over the other on purpose. At least, not that he'd admit to. We all have our passive/agressive sides, but he's too selfish to take the time to think that far. ;)

I'm sorry your mom is giving you grief. i guess the only thing I can REALLY do is try to not repeat this whole fiasco with my OWN children. I think I'm already a better parent due to the limitations of my own.

[accioslash.livejournal.com]

I genuinely don't see not saying anything as enabling behavior. His behavior isn't really impacted by you. You have smart kids; a forgotten birthday or a card purchased by their stepgrandmother while you Dad thinks Harry is ~spoiled isn't going to make your kids see their grandfather in any way other than the way he truly is. They already know he's a dick.

It's been my experience - and yours may be different - that while some people may change, the majority don't regardless what you decide to do. So you need to do whatever will be the least crazy making for you personally.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

While I agree about giving another chance, I was OMG so fucking clear in that letter 9 years ago. I told him that I would just tell my kids he was dead, and he'd be off the hook until he actually WAS. ;)

I am leaning towards sending him a card this month for HIS birthday, and putting in a gentle letter about how, as much as we have our differences, I still manage to make it to the post office to buy a stamp. Perhaps he could man-up and do the same for his TWO grandchildren.

The whole situation reminds me of the book "He's just not that into you". I've not read it, but the jist is: Girls complaining "Oh my boyfriend spent the night drinking with his buddies, etc. " The advice? Move on, he's just not that into you.

My dad is just not that 'into' us. I guess I just need to deal.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

I'm honestly not sure that he's playing favourites. I think that would imply that he actually cares more than he does. Although in person, he would like which ever child was more polite and malleable.

He has an odd expectation that he can show up once every three years and the kids will jump into his arms and be buddies with him and treat him with the type of manners and respect that were common in the fifties.

He didn't get that from me, so I'm not sure why he thinks my kids will give it to him now.

As for enthusiasm, I would die of shock if he did more than send a card. I don't really care about his motiviation. I suppose I could browbeat him into sending cards every year, but in the long run, he's still who he is, and my kids are smart enough to see through that.

Thanks so much for your input. The more I talk about this, the more I realize that he will be who he will be, and nothing I can do or say will change that.

I will let him know of his transgressions, but hopefully I can do it without being whiney and butthurt, because he'd enjoy that too much.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

No! I didn't know that you had been separated from your husband. I'm so sorry!

And yes, some men are very much "out of sight, out of mind." My father is one of them. He probably only thinks about me and my kids when we are with him. This isn't new, and shouldnt' be a surprise, but I get hurt all over again every time he's an asshole.

<3

[neko-taka.livejournal.com]

My biological parents (I was adopted by a friends parents at 14) were homophobic and beat me. So I don't take shit from no one. GTFO grampa, you had your chance.

*HUGS* I'm sorry hun. All I can really do is send positive karma.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Thanks hon! Yeah, they know he's a dick. It's not exactly a family seekrit. ;)

My only real problem here is figuring out what WILL make me the least crazy. (aside from hiring a hit-man)

And you don't think staying quiet is enabling? I think he's got the ego that he does, because nobody seems to ever call him out on his bullshit. I UNDERSTAND that it won't change him in the long run, but I see my silence as ... permission?

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

I"m very sorry to hear that. >:(

I'm not sure if it's helpful or not to know that there are clearly much worse people out there than him.

It's lovely that your friends' parents took you in. And I guess I should look at my own family and be grateful that my mother's new husband is a kind and wonderful person. At least they have ONE grandpa who isn't a dick.

*hugs*

[vividescent.livejournal.com]

Christ, what? He's *actually* said he doesn't really like his own grandchild? WTH? What kind of person says something like that? Much less to the parent of their grandchild. I don't even...

Ugh. Well, I don't know that there'd be much point in even saying anything - you already wrote that letter, and it's had no effect on his actions. Saying something would just be rehashing what you've already told him, and that didn't seem to work very well. :/ I think you'd probably just end up stressed and angry and as you've said, it probably wouldn't do anything.

I guess you just need to convince yourself you've already done what you could so it doesn't continue to bother you. It was up to him to do what was expected and he failed to do so. It's not your fault that this has happened, and judging from the letter you wrote to him it sounds like you almost expected something like this. :( That's very sad.

I do hope Harry had a happy birthday, though. Good luck with deciding what to do about your dad! *hugs* I hope things will get better for your family.

[whatthefuckbenj.livejournal.com]

The way this sounds you've already made up your decision to say something. Maybe a reminder of that letter you wrote back then is needed and emphasize it that this is his last chance because you don't want your kids to hurt because of him.

[akatnamedeaster.livejournal.com]

I hate to say it but some people are more trouble than they're worth. If saying something to him will take a weight off your shoulders, do it.

This kids probably aren't as bothered since he's already shown himself to be unreliable and a bit of an asshole. This is about what will make you feel better.

Sorry you're dealing with this, there's always one in every family. Mine also happened to be my father, I can't tell you the relief it's been in not having seen him in umpteen years. :P

[accioslash.livejournal.com]

Hm. Honestly? Nah, I really don't see staying quiet as enabling. I think we tell ourselves that we can impact other people as a way to feel a small measure of control. And I do think we can strong-arm people in the short-term. But I also think it's harmful because then there is self-blame for things we feel we permitted/encouraged through silence and other behavior. Nothing you say or do can genuinely change the behavior of someone else in the long-term. Assholes are going to be assholes regardless. Your kids will decide for themselves if they are more likely to focus on the sometimes charming and funny man your father can be or the self-centered, selfish jerk. We really do reap what we sow.

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

If it were me, I would say something. And he's actually told you he doesn't like Harry? His grandson? That is such an ugly thing to say to a mother.

*HUGS*

[synn.livejournal.com]

I tend to agree with accioslash's comment on this.
That said, if it were me, my reaction would be to cut him out - I wouldn't necesarily say anything, or stop him if/when he did send cards, but he wouldn't be visiting my kids anymore.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

I don't recall if he actually SAID he didn't like him, but he said he was difficult and spoiled and didn't like being around him and/or spending time with him, so yeah ...

My parents have always equated like/love with behaviour. Do what we want/act like we want you to and we can be a big, happy family.

I know he doesn't particularly like me either, and obviously the feeling is mutual.

I'm still not sure what to do, but just bitching about it and getting such lovely, insightful replies from everyone has been calming for me. Thanks for adding your two cents, I appreciate it.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

I know I need to say SOMETHING, the question is WHAT.

The more I get wonderful replies from my beautiful flist, the more I think I need to just give him a quick, emotionless reminder, and just FUGGETABOUTIT. Like, forever. ;)

I know I give him way too much power over my emotions, but I'm not sure how to stop. I'm much too petty and bitter to let stuff like this slide.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my son didn't really give a crap about him forgetting, so why is it so raeg making for me?

The sooner I can just write him off and forget about him, the sooner I'll be happy, but I'm just not sure how to do it.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Ha, yes. He has said a TON of ugly things to me. For my own good, of course. *eyeroll* He's just yanno, calling it like it is, 'cause he's such a helpful guy.

I know I need to say SOMETHING, but I guess I just need to think long and hard about what it is, and be sooo careful to keep the butthurt emotion out of it, because, like all trolls, they feed off that shit.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Well, he doesn't visit them now, so I'm not sure how that would be any different. ;)

The only problem would be when we go to Toronto, to see my mom. Not that we do it often, but there's no way we could just 'forget' to visit him.

I'm thinking that I'll send him a card this month for HIS birthday, and mention that this was the second year in a row that he missed Harry's birthday. No chastizing, no emotion, just a presentation of the facts. Then, like you said, just ...cut him out and pretend he doesn't exist after that.

Perhaps i could think of him as some long, lost uncle who shows up at the odd family gathering. Be polite, but emotionally detached.