Advice?

[tripperfunster]

My father (who lives in another province) failed to aknowledge my son's 10th birthday, with either a card, gift or phonecall. .... for the second time.

Last year he missed Kid H's birthday, but remembered to send a card to kid Q on his birthday.

My dad and I have a ... somewhat strained relationship, but generally do the bare minimum of sending a small gift at christmas and at least a phone call on birthdays, plus a couple of random phone calls throughout the year.

Little history: My parents split when Harry was just a baby, and I was preggo with Quincey. (he left my mother for another woman). Despite a gentle two week reminder from me, my dad missed Harry's first birthday. I was a new mom (and pregnant with #2) and still picking up the pieces of his shattered marraige to my mother.

I wrote him a SCATHING letter, spelling out to him that he could either be a part of our lives, or he could not, but the choice was up to him. I explained to him EXACTLY what that would involve, ie: letters/cards/gifts/phonecalls (one of, not all) on major holidays, plus yanno, some sort of activity from him, be it visits or calls or cards, just to say hi, etc.

I was specific, because ... well duh, I wanted to be clear of human my expectations. I also told him that if he chose NOT to take part in my children's lives I would be disappointed, but would respect his decision. I also made it abundantly clear that there would be many people in the world that would disappoint my children and hurt their feelings, but I did NOT want them to experience assholes firsthand from their grandfather.

My dad was 'surprised and hurt' at my letter (whaaa) and emphatically said that he DID want to be part of our lives, etc etc etc.

I managed to not say anything last year when he missed Harry's birthday. My husband thinks I should stay quiet again this year, but staying quiet is just not working for me. I'm fucking livid.

I totally 'get' that I will never change my father, and he will continue to do what he does regardless of what I say or do, but SO MANY people let him do what he wants without any repercussions, just because of that. They ENABLE his assholism by letting everything slide.

I CANNOT BE AN ENABLER!!!

P.S. He has stated on more than one occasion that he doesn't really like Harry. He thinks he's a spoiled brat and doesn't enjoy spending time with him. (yanno, those one or two days every three years are reaaaally hard ...) He thinks I fail as a parent and don't discipline them enough. Granted, Harry has anxiety issues and can be hard to be around sometimes, but he's also a really smart, funny and creative child. His teacher actually told me that she shouldn't pick favourites, but Harry is one of her favourite students that she's had in years. As much as he can be difficult, he's an amazing peace keeper and wickedly insightful.


*sigh*

I guess my question to you, lovely flist, is Should I Say Something? Or not? I understand that regardless of my actions, the OUTCOME will probably not change. And if I DON'T say something, how do I reconcile that in my heart/head?

Comments

[vividescent.livejournal.com]

Christ, what? He's *actually* said he doesn't really like his own grandchild? WTH? What kind of person says something like that? Much less to the parent of their grandchild. I don't even...

Ugh. Well, I don't know that there'd be much point in even saying anything - you already wrote that letter, and it's had no effect on his actions. Saying something would just be rehashing what you've already told him, and that didn't seem to work very well. :/ I think you'd probably just end up stressed and angry and as you've said, it probably wouldn't do anything.

I guess you just need to convince yourself you've already done what you could so it doesn't continue to bother you. It was up to him to do what was expected and he failed to do so. It's not your fault that this has happened, and judging from the letter you wrote to him it sounds like you almost expected something like this. :( That's very sad.

I do hope Harry had a happy birthday, though. Good luck with deciding what to do about your dad! *hugs* I hope things will get better for your family.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

I don't recall if he actually SAID he didn't like him, but he said he was difficult and spoiled and didn't like being around him and/or spending time with him, so yeah ...

My parents have always equated like/love with behaviour. Do what we want/act like we want you to and we can be a big, happy family.

I know he doesn't particularly like me either, and obviously the feeling is mutual.

I'm still not sure what to do, but just bitching about it and getting such lovely, insightful replies from everyone has been calming for me. Thanks for adding your two cents, I appreciate it.