Advice?

[tripperfunster]

My father (who lives in another province) failed to aknowledge my son's 10th birthday, with either a card, gift or phonecall. .... for the second time.

Last year he missed Kid H's birthday, but remembered to send a card to kid Q on his birthday.

My dad and I have a ... somewhat strained relationship, but generally do the bare minimum of sending a small gift at christmas and at least a phone call on birthdays, plus a couple of random phone calls throughout the year.

Little history: My parents split when Harry was just a baby, and I was preggo with Quincey. (he left my mother for another woman). Despite a gentle two week reminder from me, my dad missed Harry's first birthday. I was a new mom (and pregnant with #2) and still picking up the pieces of his shattered marraige to my mother.

I wrote him a SCATHING letter, spelling out to him that he could either be a part of our lives, or he could not, but the choice was up to him. I explained to him EXACTLY what that would involve, ie: letters/cards/gifts/phonecalls (one of, not all) on major holidays, plus yanno, some sort of activity from him, be it visits or calls or cards, just to say hi, etc.

I was specific, because ... well duh, I wanted to be clear of human my expectations. I also told him that if he chose NOT to take part in my children's lives I would be disappointed, but would respect his decision. I also made it abundantly clear that there would be many people in the world that would disappoint my children and hurt their feelings, but I did NOT want them to experience assholes firsthand from their grandfather.

My dad was 'surprised and hurt' at my letter (whaaa) and emphatically said that he DID want to be part of our lives, etc etc etc.

I managed to not say anything last year when he missed Harry's birthday. My husband thinks I should stay quiet again this year, but staying quiet is just not working for me. I'm fucking livid.

I totally 'get' that I will never change my father, and he will continue to do what he does regardless of what I say or do, but SO MANY people let him do what he wants without any repercussions, just because of that. They ENABLE his assholism by letting everything slide.

I CANNOT BE AN ENABLER!!!

P.S. He has stated on more than one occasion that he doesn't really like Harry. He thinks he's a spoiled brat and doesn't enjoy spending time with him. (yanno, those one or two days every three years are reaaaally hard ...) He thinks I fail as a parent and don't discipline them enough. Granted, Harry has anxiety issues and can be hard to be around sometimes, but he's also a really smart, funny and creative child. His teacher actually told me that she shouldn't pick favourites, but Harry is one of her favourite students that she's had in years. As much as he can be difficult, he's an amazing peace keeper and wickedly insightful.


*sigh*

I guess my question to you, lovely flist, is Should I Say Something? Or not? I understand that regardless of my actions, the OUTCOME will probably not change. And if I DON'T say something, how do I reconcile that in my heart/head?

Comments

[sabrebabe.livejournal.com]

I too, have/had issues with my father as well, and I was utterly crushed by his passive/aggressive behaviour, as well as his low opinion of me on top of it. And the deal breaker, ultimately, was the fact that he walked out on us. Divorced my mom (and us, by proxy), because he didn't want a family dragging him down anymore. The military ruled his life and for him, having a family was just too much responsibility. He couldn't even commit to a weekend visitation. I literally went *years* without even getting a phone call from my father. let alone a birthday card.

The last time I saw him was about 20 years ago when I went to Corpus Christi to see my Grandmother. Lo and behold, there he was! But had grown up and held him to a completely different standard and no longer worshiped the ground he walked on, and wouldn't even leave him alone with my kids (who were 6, 1&1 at the time). I think I've talked to him on the phone a dozen times since then, although I sent out teh obligatory Christmas card with the kids school pictures. And last year was the first Christmas card in a few years, but I had my grandson's pictures in it.

Plain and simple, I finally realised I didn't *have* a father. It hurt and it took several years to get past that pain. I just don't have one at all, and I never did. He was just a picture on the wall and a name on a page. As my own kids were growing up, they asked about him, and I only gave little pieces of information at a time, as they got older and were able to process more. He is an asshole. He was abusive and an alcoholic. He is/was manipulative. He's a jerk. And he abandoned his family for his "career" (but it didn't stop him from remarrying). My kids don't even *remember* visiting him, but they remembered Gramma Chavez (his mother, same visit!). That speaks volumes right there.

My advice: walk away. Slowly. Let it gradually drift away and rid yourself of years of pain and anguish. Your own children are watching you and learning how they are to deal with characters like him. Teach them they can walk away without being mean about it. If he comes by for a visit, then be polite and not make a big fuss, but don't treat him like he's your father. Treat him like a distant cousin coming by for a visit because they're in town and let it go no farther than that. Teach your kids that just because he's an "important name on a paper", it doesn't give him the right to slowly poison your lives with his asshattery.

A balloon on a windy day. You've been trying like crazy to hold on to what you needed as a child and didn't get. Let it go, accept what it is, and love your own family all that much more. You're the only one who is missing him. Not your kids.

just my experience with assholes who pretend to be parents (My own mother is just... emotionally distant. There just came a point where I raised myself while she lived her own life. She was too focused on keeping my brother out of trouble to bother to see what I was up to.)

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

You have a lot of great advice here. Thank you. I find it heartbreaking that so many people on my flist have family troubles.

All we really want is to be loved and accepted. It shouldn't be so hard.

I think the distant cousin thing is just about perfect.