Advice?

[tripperfunster]

My father (who lives in another province) failed to aknowledge my son's 10th birthday, with either a card, gift or phonecall. .... for the second time.

Last year he missed Kid H's birthday, but remembered to send a card to kid Q on his birthday.

My dad and I have a ... somewhat strained relationship, but generally do the bare minimum of sending a small gift at christmas and at least a phone call on birthdays, plus a couple of random phone calls throughout the year.

Little history: My parents split when Harry was just a baby, and I was preggo with Quincey. (he left my mother for another woman). Despite a gentle two week reminder from me, my dad missed Harry's first birthday. I was a new mom (and pregnant with #2) and still picking up the pieces of his shattered marraige to my mother.

I wrote him a SCATHING letter, spelling out to him that he could either be a part of our lives, or he could not, but the choice was up to him. I explained to him EXACTLY what that would involve, ie: letters/cards/gifts/phonecalls (one of, not all) on major holidays, plus yanno, some sort of activity from him, be it visits or calls or cards, just to say hi, etc.

I was specific, because ... well duh, I wanted to be clear of human my expectations. I also told him that if he chose NOT to take part in my children's lives I would be disappointed, but would respect his decision. I also made it abundantly clear that there would be many people in the world that would disappoint my children and hurt their feelings, but I did NOT want them to experience assholes firsthand from their grandfather.

My dad was 'surprised and hurt' at my letter (whaaa) and emphatically said that he DID want to be part of our lives, etc etc etc.

I managed to not say anything last year when he missed Harry's birthday. My husband thinks I should stay quiet again this year, but staying quiet is just not working for me. I'm fucking livid.

I totally 'get' that I will never change my father, and he will continue to do what he does regardless of what I say or do, but SO MANY people let him do what he wants without any repercussions, just because of that. They ENABLE his assholism by letting everything slide.

I CANNOT BE AN ENABLER!!!

P.S. He has stated on more than one occasion that he doesn't really like Harry. He thinks he's a spoiled brat and doesn't enjoy spending time with him. (yanno, those one or two days every three years are reaaaally hard ...) He thinks I fail as a parent and don't discipline them enough. Granted, Harry has anxiety issues and can be hard to be around sometimes, but he's also a really smart, funny and creative child. His teacher actually told me that she shouldn't pick favourites, but Harry is one of her favourite students that she's had in years. As much as he can be difficult, he's an amazing peace keeper and wickedly insightful.


*sigh*

I guess my question to you, lovely flist, is Should I Say Something? Or not? I understand that regardless of my actions, the OUTCOME will probably not change. And if I DON'T say something, how do I reconcile that in my heart/head?

Comments

[joanwilder.livejournal.com]

My husband's parents had an odd way of remembering/celebrating birthdays and special occasions. It was sporadic and erratic, and I never could get used to it. They had never made a big deal of their own children's birthday, and I think it carried over. Some years my kids got gifts; some times they got cards; some years it just went by without notice. My husband was the same way with my birthday and other special couples' days, probably because he learnt this at home. I've taught my own children differently. Even so, one child remembers and the other one is like their father.

BUT, I've read everyone's responses and realize you've already got lots of advice. The thing that would really bother me is that one child is remembered and the other not--whether it's intentional of not isn't the issue (although I think it's horribly juvenile to take that tack with one's own grandchildren). I've found the way to keep myself unaffected by 'forgetfulness' is to lower my expectations, so that I'm pleasantly surprised, at worst. But if my kids were the ones affected, I think I'd have to say something (I never did back then, but I've grown a pair since then, yanno?) I'd want to say, 'You know, you sent Q a card, but you just missed H's? Not sure if you forgot or it got lost in the mail, Dad, but what I'm going to have to do, since this isn't the first time, is hold back your cards unless you remember both of the boys on their birthdays. Starting with now, Dad. You can send H a late card if it was an oversight. If you don't, don't bother sending any more.' I don't know if that helps, but it gives him a chance to make a final decision.

If your dad doesn't want to participate in your boys' lives, that's really sad, and not just his loss, but theirs as well. If that happens, though, you want to be able to tell your boys that it was totally your dad's decision.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if I could lower my expectations any more. I guess it's time to realize that he doesn't give a shit, and I need to stop WANTING him to give a shit. It hasn't worked in 43 years, why do I keep banging my head against that wall?

Thing is, I'm not a big birthday person. The only dates I make myself remember are my husbands, my kids and my parents. My brother and i don't bother with each other.

My father only has two grandchildren, and will only ever have two.

As to your 'final decision', I honestly think I gave him that 9 years ago.