Advice?

[tripperfunster]

My father (who lives in another province) failed to aknowledge my son's 10th birthday, with either a card, gift or phonecall. .... for the second time.

Last year he missed Kid H's birthday, but remembered to send a card to kid Q on his birthday.

My dad and I have a ... somewhat strained relationship, but generally do the bare minimum of sending a small gift at christmas and at least a phone call on birthdays, plus a couple of random phone calls throughout the year.

Little history: My parents split when Harry was just a baby, and I was preggo with Quincey. (he left my mother for another woman). Despite a gentle two week reminder from me, my dad missed Harry's first birthday. I was a new mom (and pregnant with #2) and still picking up the pieces of his shattered marraige to my mother.

I wrote him a SCATHING letter, spelling out to him that he could either be a part of our lives, or he could not, but the choice was up to him. I explained to him EXACTLY what that would involve, ie: letters/cards/gifts/phonecalls (one of, not all) on major holidays, plus yanno, some sort of activity from him, be it visits or calls or cards, just to say hi, etc.

I was specific, because ... well duh, I wanted to be clear of human my expectations. I also told him that if he chose NOT to take part in my children's lives I would be disappointed, but would respect his decision. I also made it abundantly clear that there would be many people in the world that would disappoint my children and hurt their feelings, but I did NOT want them to experience assholes firsthand from their grandfather.

My dad was 'surprised and hurt' at my letter (whaaa) and emphatically said that he DID want to be part of our lives, etc etc etc.

I managed to not say anything last year when he missed Harry's birthday. My husband thinks I should stay quiet again this year, but staying quiet is just not working for me. I'm fucking livid.

I totally 'get' that I will never change my father, and he will continue to do what he does regardless of what I say or do, but SO MANY people let him do what he wants without any repercussions, just because of that. They ENABLE his assholism by letting everything slide.

I CANNOT BE AN ENABLER!!!

P.S. He has stated on more than one occasion that he doesn't really like Harry. He thinks he's a spoiled brat and doesn't enjoy spending time with him. (yanno, those one or two days every three years are reaaaally hard ...) He thinks I fail as a parent and don't discipline them enough. Granted, Harry has anxiety issues and can be hard to be around sometimes, but he's also a really smart, funny and creative child. His teacher actually told me that she shouldn't pick favourites, but Harry is one of her favourite students that she's had in years. As much as he can be difficult, he's an amazing peace keeper and wickedly insightful.


*sigh*

I guess my question to you, lovely flist, is Should I Say Something? Or not? I understand that regardless of my actions, the OUTCOME will probably not change. And if I DON'T say something, how do I reconcile that in my heart/head?

Comments

[schemingreader.livejournal.com]

I don't think you should say something. I think no matter what, he won't be able to respond in a way that makes you feel better.

The natural consequence of your dad's behavior is that you are disappointed in him and not close to him, and your children aren't warm with him and don't react to him the way he wants. You warned him that could happen. He was too foolish to understand then. If you want to say to him again, "You know, if you blow off having a relationship with my children, you won't have a relationship with them, because they won't know you and won't like you," he's just going to give you the whole, "duh, I don't know what you're talking about," thing again.

Instead, accept hugs from all of us. Parents are difficult and children are wonderful, that's my opinion.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if I give a shit what his response is. I'm just not very good at keeping my mouth shut. ;)

But you are completely right, of course. I'm honestly not sure if I could speak with him without losing my shit. If I DO contact him, it will be through a very short, emotionless note.

Thank god we have call display and can avoid speaking with him.

And you are right. Children are wonderful. I just hope I never get to the point where they are at a loss of what to do/say to me.

[schemingreader.livejournal.com]

Oh, I see. Well, on the other hand, if it will feel better to you to say something, you might as well. Either way I strongly doubt he's going to understand.

It's really taken me years to realize that some people don't understand no matter what I say!