Advice?

[tripperfunster]

My father (who lives in another province) failed to aknowledge my son's 10th birthday, with either a card, gift or phonecall. .... for the second time.

Last year he missed Kid H's birthday, but remembered to send a card to kid Q on his birthday.

My dad and I have a ... somewhat strained relationship, but generally do the bare minimum of sending a small gift at christmas and at least a phone call on birthdays, plus a couple of random phone calls throughout the year.

Little history: My parents split when Harry was just a baby, and I was preggo with Quincey. (he left my mother for another woman). Despite a gentle two week reminder from me, my dad missed Harry's first birthday. I was a new mom (and pregnant with #2) and still picking up the pieces of his shattered marraige to my mother.

I wrote him a SCATHING letter, spelling out to him that he could either be a part of our lives, or he could not, but the choice was up to him. I explained to him EXACTLY what that would involve, ie: letters/cards/gifts/phonecalls (one of, not all) on major holidays, plus yanno, some sort of activity from him, be it visits or calls or cards, just to say hi, etc.

I was specific, because ... well duh, I wanted to be clear of human my expectations. I also told him that if he chose NOT to take part in my children's lives I would be disappointed, but would respect his decision. I also made it abundantly clear that there would be many people in the world that would disappoint my children and hurt their feelings, but I did NOT want them to experience assholes firsthand from their grandfather.

My dad was 'surprised and hurt' at my letter (whaaa) and emphatically said that he DID want to be part of our lives, etc etc etc.

I managed to not say anything last year when he missed Harry's birthday. My husband thinks I should stay quiet again this year, but staying quiet is just not working for me. I'm fucking livid.

I totally 'get' that I will never change my father, and he will continue to do what he does regardless of what I say or do, but SO MANY people let him do what he wants without any repercussions, just because of that. They ENABLE his assholism by letting everything slide.

I CANNOT BE AN ENABLER!!!

P.S. He has stated on more than one occasion that he doesn't really like Harry. He thinks he's a spoiled brat and doesn't enjoy spending time with him. (yanno, those one or two days every three years are reaaaally hard ...) He thinks I fail as a parent and don't discipline them enough. Granted, Harry has anxiety issues and can be hard to be around sometimes, but he's also a really smart, funny and creative child. His teacher actually told me that she shouldn't pick favourites, but Harry is one of her favourite students that she's had in years. As much as he can be difficult, he's an amazing peace keeper and wickedly insightful.


*sigh*

I guess my question to you, lovely flist, is Should I Say Something? Or not? I understand that regardless of my actions, the OUTCOME will probably not change. And if I DON'T say something, how do I reconcile that in my heart/head?

Comments

[demicus.livejournal.com]

Late response from me (sorry). We were at the hospital all day & most of the evening visiting the best dad in the world.

Firstly, I hope Harry had a wonderful birthday!

Secondly, I'd tell your dad (perhaps in his birthday card) that I was disappointed but not surprised by his 'forgetfulness'. That's it; no requests, no stronger words, not even any mention of expectations. That might let him know that you've pretty much had it & that you've no more dialogue to waste on him. He sounds like an emotional drain. You deserve so much better, & so do your children.

PS Congratulations to your mom for being lucky enough to not have to spend any more time with him.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm so sorry your dad is ill! :(

Harry had a pretty good birthday, regardless of 'Grandpa John'.

He still hasn't had a party, because he can't decide what he wants to do. *eyeroll*

Yes, both my parents are emotionally draining, my father especially so. And OMG yes! I am so happy that my mother found a wonderful, caring thoughtful man. She is over the moon. :D

Thanks for the advice hon. I'm still not sure if I'll say anything (ever again) to him, but the note you mentioned is probably what I'll do if I do anything at all. <3

[demicus.livejournal.com]

My dad has late-stage Alzheimer's Disease, mom's got advanced Rheumatoid Arthritis. Dad basically took care of her for years until his symptoms got out of control. I moved home in 2008 to take care of them both & realized, last year, that he was too ill to take care of at home. He's a WWII hero & is getting special care at the Veteran's Hospital about an hour away from us. We visit him every other day & I do his laundry, etc. but I still see this as a personal failure. Ugh, enough of this. This is obviously the day we stay home so mom can rest, & we're both a bit maudlin on those days. On the bright side, dad always knows who we are so I dare say that the symptoms of AD aren't the same for everyone.

Cool! I like a dude who plans his own party! ;¬)

Ah, perhaps in light of another day passing, doing nothing (in regards to corresponding with your dad) would perhaps be best.