Advice?

[tripperfunster]

My father (who lives in another province) failed to aknowledge my son's 10th birthday, with either a card, gift or phonecall. .... for the second time.

Last year he missed Kid H's birthday, but remembered to send a card to kid Q on his birthday.

My dad and I have a ... somewhat strained relationship, but generally do the bare minimum of sending a small gift at christmas and at least a phone call on birthdays, plus a couple of random phone calls throughout the year.

Little history: My parents split when Harry was just a baby, and I was preggo with Quincey. (he left my mother for another woman). Despite a gentle two week reminder from me, my dad missed Harry's first birthday. I was a new mom (and pregnant with #2) and still picking up the pieces of his shattered marraige to my mother.

I wrote him a SCATHING letter, spelling out to him that he could either be a part of our lives, or he could not, but the choice was up to him. I explained to him EXACTLY what that would involve, ie: letters/cards/gifts/phonecalls (one of, not all) on major holidays, plus yanno, some sort of activity from him, be it visits or calls or cards, just to say hi, etc.

I was specific, because ... well duh, I wanted to be clear of human my expectations. I also told him that if he chose NOT to take part in my children's lives I would be disappointed, but would respect his decision. I also made it abundantly clear that there would be many people in the world that would disappoint my children and hurt their feelings, but I did NOT want them to experience assholes firsthand from their grandfather.

My dad was 'surprised and hurt' at my letter (whaaa) and emphatically said that he DID want to be part of our lives, etc etc etc.

I managed to not say anything last year when he missed Harry's birthday. My husband thinks I should stay quiet again this year, but staying quiet is just not working for me. I'm fucking livid.

I totally 'get' that I will never change my father, and he will continue to do what he does regardless of what I say or do, but SO MANY people let him do what he wants without any repercussions, just because of that. They ENABLE his assholism by letting everything slide.

I CANNOT BE AN ENABLER!!!

P.S. He has stated on more than one occasion that he doesn't really like Harry. He thinks he's a spoiled brat and doesn't enjoy spending time with him. (yanno, those one or two days every three years are reaaaally hard ...) He thinks I fail as a parent and don't discipline them enough. Granted, Harry has anxiety issues and can be hard to be around sometimes, but he's also a really smart, funny and creative child. His teacher actually told me that she shouldn't pick favourites, but Harry is one of her favourite students that she's had in years. As much as he can be difficult, he's an amazing peace keeper and wickedly insightful.


*sigh*

I guess my question to you, lovely flist, is Should I Say Something? Or not? I understand that regardless of my actions, the OUTCOME will probably not change. And if I DON'T say something, how do I reconcile that in my heart/head?

Comments

[juniperus.livejournal.com]

My mother in law is a lot like this.

I just treat her, mostly, as an outside entity. Any real contact (real being something other than her saying hi to elderkind via facebook) is a pleasant addition to normal life so absence isn't a detraction. She's missed Xmas, birthdays (even having sent an invitation to parties) for both... and it was no different for husband and BiL (whey were raised by Basilisk and their grandfather for a reason) - she's utterly self-absorbed. And she lives less than an hour away.

My parents, across the state, are the grandparents.
She's... an occasional visitor.
I tried when elderkind was a baby/toddler to make up the gap in attention. I gave up on it - it wasn't worth my frustration.

I'd (and we know I'm kind of a mouthy bitch) be inclined to let him know that if he chooses to not recognize one child's birthday he need not bother for the other. That your children will not be hurt by him while you can still take a breath. And that if he decides, at some point, that he'd like to be their grandfather to let you know -- but until then they will live happy lives without him.

*hugs you and the boys*

He can't be changed. It's not your baggage to carry nor your problem to correct. Fretting over the fact that he's an asshole he is is putting your energy into something that will never provide returns on that energy - acknowledge, find mental and emotional distance, and move on. Mitigate the damage for your boys and hug them extra tight.

*more hugs*

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Oddly enough, if it was my MiL, I'd have less issues with it. I'd probably just tell her to fuck the hell off. But because it's MY dad, and I already have truckloads of daddy issues, I'm so emotionally ingrained in the whole mess, I'm not able to distance myself properly.

You are completely right though. He is not my baggage to correct. I gave him an OMG very clear message years ago, and he has chosen his own path.

I really like sabrebabe's advice to say nothing at all, not even a birthday card for him, but honestly? I'm much more mouthy and petty than that. :D

If I can't manage to keep my pie-hole shut, I will most likely send a note much like the one you described. Then I'll just back the fuck away.

<3